You might have possibly noticed that on rare occasions it could be argued that I have a slight tendency to make more out of something than I perhaps should. I do not know as to the veracity of such an observation, but I can say that I have struggled all day because I feel like I lost Jesus.

A while ago, Pastor asked if the cross my godmother gave me upon my public confession was a crucifix. He had been thinking that perhaps it would be better to wear one than have one on my wall, a stronger comfort to me. My first thought was pretty much absolute rejection of his idea, though I worked to be kind about it. Personally, I thought I would ponder more on my sin should I wear a crucifix than the forgiveness Christ hanging on the cross represents. But Sunday I wondered, since he hasn't really steered me wrong yet, if I should reconsider his idea.

I had a crucifix amongst a collection of crosses from my grandmother and thought that, while I did not have a chain for it, I could put it on a gold clasp bracelet I wear every day. The cross I now wear comes from that same collection and was on that bracelet. I choose the cross because it is quite heavy and I find comfort in the weight of it about my neck. Even if I cannot see it, I can feel it.

So, I placed the crucifix on the bracelet and well...found myself looking at it quite a bit. However, in mere hours, I have lost it. I lost Jesus. It was on my wrist as I left for the nooner bible study. It was gone when I returned to my desk. So disturbed am I about the loss and how it feels my boss actually allowed me to go home, crawl into my pajamas, and finish my work from the couch...probably so I could grieve/wallow in private. She wasn't even there and my mindset bothered her.

Although, perhaps it is the crucifix and my colossal blunder that is weighing me down.

For I have this especial talent for doing the wrong thing when trying to do the right one. A new friend from church mentioned the Book of Concord a few times and I thought that I would help her start reading it by making audio clips for her. I read aloud the two introductions, the First Commandment, the appendix to the First Commandment, and some Myrtle commentary.

Now, think back upon which I have been blogging of late (hint, hint...Walther) then, too, you will understand my crime. For I did not give my friend Gospel when I handed her the Law. I revel in Luther's teaching and have gained so much by studying the Book of Concord. This confession of faith offers pure teaching of the Living Word. Nothing...nothing can be better than that. But the Law crushes. Its burden is simply too great without the Gospel. I know this full well, my tears spilling before Pastor so frequently, my anguish spilled out here so often. How...how in the world could I not warn her, support her, help her read the instruction with its proper division?

She called me sobbing. I fumbled my way through reminding her of the sweet, sweet Gospel and that she is not alone in her anguish. Luther himself was crushed beneath its weight, and he wrote the very words she was reading! When I hung up the phone with her, I was so very worried that I called and awoke Pastor so that he could pray. I tried, but I was, am still, so very overwhelmed at my blunder.  I did stay up for the rest of the night trying to cover her in prayer and stewing in my own stupidity.

After having woken up Pastor to beg him to pray for his parishioner I had just hurt through my thoughtlessness, he decided to not prepare the next Psalm for the nooner today and instead give us all a refresher lessoning on Law and Gospel, combining the bible, the Book of Concord, the Treasury of Daily Prayer (November 4th writing), and his graphic that I posted here about how there are no end-runs around the cross with God since I came armed with many copies of it, including bookmarks!  [I was so very surprised when I walked in, though he had called my new friend to tell her what he had in mind.]  I added a bit of Walther since I was feeling so guilty having just spent two days blogging about the sixth evening lecture and how I can get so crushed by my sin it's hard to remember the Gospel...then to turn around and give someone only Law.

I relish reading the Book of Concord and was delighted to help her discover its joys. Luther is so clear, so compassionate, and so darned resolute.  Coming from churches that taught the bible is full of gray issues when I, myself, secretly believed it was full of black and white absolutes, I find Lutheranism to be most complete. Seriously, one of my favorite bits of the Book of Concord is the article on Original Sin in the Augsburg Confession, a lynch pin where by everything else is held together, especially the most wondrous Objective Grace and the true tipping point for understanding infant baptism. While not quite the Amway salesman, I never lose an opportunity to share something from the Book of Concord, tout the benefits of the Treasury of Daily Prayer, or extol the wonders of the Psalter now that I am learning to pray it. But, oh my, can Luther spin out the spirit of the Law from its letter to such a degree you realize that you cannot even keep a mote of it...and in not doing so, all you've offered God is stench, filth, and dishonor.

I've spent hours sobbing with Pastor as I struggled with the law bits and had to have him patiently remind me but you're forgiven, Myrtle, since the forgiveness I had been previously taught was forgiveness that is in the past at the cross and for my "fire insurance," not for here, today, in this very moment. I should have remembered to start her off with a warning and given her a very large copy of that graphic to use as a bookmark.

I did ask that we start the nooner with a hymn, though I admit I had hoped it would be one I know instead a new one. Selfish of me, I know. It was better that Pastor chose the chief hymn for Sunday, because singing hymns together is not about Myrtle, it is about praising God together. At the end of the nooner, we finished up with the close of the noon office of prayer and Pastor substituted Stark's prayer for mercy for the collect.  I admit that I could listen to that prayer many, many more times.

Disregarding the time, I stayed afterward to let my new friend know how sorry I was and how glad I was that Pastor is such a smart and caring undershepherd to feed us so this day and that I did a much better job in my reading and commentary of the Second Commandment to share the Gospel bits so that she need not fear to try again. I encouraged her to also consider asking Pastor to bless her and to do the confession/absolution liturgy. I told her that she need not enumerate her sins as she feared. Then, fearful I had blundered again, I checked that with Pastor on that part as I was walking out. But almost as he said yes and reminded me of the part of the Large Catechism where Luther teaches such, I remembered Luther's intent was to restore confession/absolution for the Catholics had distorted it so.  The important part is the forgiveness, not listing every possible sin you have done.

So, still shaking inside, I walked to the car deep in thought.  Back at my desk, all I could think about was my new friend and how much I stink at being a Lutheran, being a friend, and trying to help.  The crucifix, or rather Pastor's suggestion about why I should wear a crucifix, flitted through my mind so I raised my wrist to look at it, wondering if doing so would remind me of Gospel, only to discover that I had lost Jesus.

I know it must sound silly, but I am truly disturbed that I lost that crucifix in mere hours.  Yes, it bothers me I lost my grandmother's cross.  But more so because it was not merely a piece of jewelry to me.  It was a small symbol of trying to understand Gospel, trying to live beneath the cross instead of in the stain of the fruit.  

If I cannot hold onto it, how can I cling to Christ?  Could I not hold onto it because my attempt to help a fellow Lutheran was nothing short of disastrous?  Did l lose more than jewelry?