Last night, Pastor's response to my apology was not only to say he would still come, but to also send me his sermon from Wednesday (see below) and a prayer on mercy.  Pastor W has been working on updating Starck's Prayer Book, and Pastor had just received his in the mail yesterday.

All-loving God, Your mercy has no end, and Your kindness is new each morning. See, I, an afflicted and sorrowful soul, come before Your holy face to pour out the great grief of my heavy heart. My distressful condition and the great misery that has overtaken me are well known to You. My soul is sorrowful; my spirit is in anguish; numberless afflictions surround me. I look around me for helpers, but find none. Some people refuse to give me comfort; others do not know my distress and I do not reveal it to them. But to You, O God, I make complaint with a heart full of grief. I know that You are merciful and moved to pity by our distress. You took pity on the stricken widow weeping for her son. You were moved to compassion when You saw the people who had gathered to hear You and had nothing to eat, and Your compassion went hand in hand with Your mercy and comfort.

And so I come to You and plead: have mercy on me! O God, I am Your creature; do not forsake the work of Your hands. Yes, I am even more: I am also Your child whom You have taken into the arms of Your mercy in Holy Baptism. And so I say to You: O my Father, have compassion on Your poor and forsaken child. My Jesus, I have been bought with Your holy blood; I am Your portion and inheritance, purchased with Your precious blood! I know You will have compassion on Your own. O precious Holy Spirit, bear witness with my spirit that despite all my suffering I am still a child of God. And when I am faint in praying and can hardly put words together any more, You Yourself cry with me: “Abba! Father!”

Behold, I am sinking; reach out Your hand for me! Lord, help me and be at my side! Lord, let Your mercy spread over me and give me cheerfulness of heart! Yes, write upon my heart and constantly cry out to my soul these words: “You are not forsaken. I will have compassion on you. I am with you in your distress. I will deliver you and honor you.” O Lord, according to Your great mercy strengthen my faith, sustain me in my distress, give me each day new strength and fresh ability, so that my faith may not cease, my hope may not sink, and my confidence in You may not grow weak.

You say: “Is Ephraim my dear son? Is he my darling child? For as often as I speak against him, I do earnestly remember him still. Therefore my heart yearns for him; I will surely have mercy on him” (Jeremiah 31:20). Remember me also: You have promised mercy also to me. You have never yet forsaken me. Do not forsake me now! Help Your child who seeks refuge only in Your mercy. (185-186)

Not only did he find this for me, he typed the whole prayer out!  Not only did he pray it with me (more his voice than mine, to be honest) after finishing the large catechism, at the end of the liturgy, he prayed it again, recording it for me.  What is interesting about this prayer for mercy is that there is nothing of the I in this...it is all God.  But, alas, I leap ahead.

Well, with a bit of bossiness, I managed to practically shove Pastor back out the door closer to his goal time than ever before.  Even though I was not completely sure he would come...even though I wanted to somehow do confession/absolution as well as my lessoning...even though I wanted to pray the prayer he found for me...even though I still wanted to do his "food"...even though I still wanted him to read/record a Psalm.  Even though.

With the help of much pacing, extra sticky notes, and the oven timer, we plowed through everything.  I think it helped that the third petition of the Lord's Prayer is not particularly long in instruction nor was there any bits particularly distressing to me.

Because Pastor oft laments that he rarely has a chance to get fed as a pastor, writing passionately about the sermons he does get to hear, I started emailing him "food" that I found from other confessional Lutheran pastors' blogs.  Then, thinking upon how important it is to me to hear the Word aloud, I started reading his food to him instead of emailing it.  I didn't want to skip his food just to squeeze in something else, so I merely started right in and determined that if I went over time later, I would give up something else.  I also have been giving him small prayers based on scripture on sticky notes.  It occurred to me that I should be reading them  aloud, too, before I passed them over to him, so this week I did.  Then, I set the timer for 47 minutes, the time remaining in the first hour to leave a half hour for the confession/absolution liturgy.

What interested me this lessoning was that the petition of "Thy will be done" was filled with all this instruction on how much satan would prowl around us, fighting to destroy us, confuse us, tear us away from God. It struck me that there was no great explanation of how God's will would be done because there is the certitude that since it is God's will, rather than man's, that it will be done.  Nothing to discuss there!  Not might.  Not may.  Will!

[Once more, I wished that I had taken better notes and more notes.  I awoke quite ill this morning and spent several hours spewing my chicken, peanuts, and eggs from last night into the toilet.  When Pastor arrived, I was still shaking and nauseous, but was getting better.  So, not only are my notes less, they are barely legible.] 

Much of the lessoning was Pastor commentating on what we were reading, extending and clarifying the text.  One point he made straight off was that if we honor God at all in our lives, it is because of the Holy Spirit, not because of ourselves.  He also pointed out, the first time Luther talked about satan (the first of many in this section--how well does that man understand anguish, despair, and struggle in the Christian faith) that while satan does drag at our faith and attempt to despoil our lives, he cannot win, he will never win.

He also talked about how the end of the church year, which is closing upon us, is a time to reflect upon the end times.  Knowing that Christians will endure, a remnant will stand firm, we ask ourselves how that might be with all that is foretold about the trials and tribulation to come.  It's hard enough battling satan now.  How much more so will it be then!  Who will, therefore, will stand firm?  The answer is no one.  On our own, we cannot.  In truth, it is God.  He gives Himself, His gifts, and His kingdom so freely to us and it is He who will stand firm in the end. 

The real nugget was the sweet observation that to be "in Christ," a phrase Paul litters through his writing, is not a "works" command.  It is not our work at all; it is Christ's.  So, for me to live in Christ is not for me to be some super godly Christian, but merely to be a Christian, to receive the grace and mercy and peace and forgiveness  that is ours in Christ.

Is not the Gospel sweet?

I guess you would say that I am greedy if I admitted that I wished he had blessed me before he left.  He didn't remember.  I didn't remind him.  I had a sticky note observation about blessings that I had wanted to tell him and that I hoped would be enough of a hint, but he put it in his Book of Concord with the note of the other two Psalms I asked if he could record later when he was talking at one point and I forgot about the note later, though I held out hope for the blessing until the last possible moment.  There is something rather ineffable about an undershepherd of Christ asking God to bestow favor upon His child.  Pastors should do this much, much more...no matter their denomination.

I had hoped to go to my godmother's concert this evening, but my stepmother and father called this morning asking me to dinner.  My father could not complete the question, handing the phone back to my stepmother time and time again as she tried to help him ask.  He is just 70 and is nearly gone. Listening to him struggle was horrible.  No matter what he did to me as a child...no matter what he did not prevent...no one should be trapped in a healthy body that has lost its cognitive ability.  No one should know that terror.  No one should know that grief.  I did not feel like battling food.  I most decidedly did not feel like being the target of my step-mother's ire, being bathed in her utter disappointment/dislike of me.  I went anyway.

Once back home, I delved into Kleinig, into the book Grace Upon Grace Pastor gave me.  If you remember, he gave me the book because one of the later chapters on prayer inspired his own meditations on prayer he sent out via the church's In Touch eNewsletter a long while ago.  I wanted very much to just leap ahead to that chapter, but I got caught by the introduction that set up the idea of receptive spirituality, that all we have is from God, that although we are nothing but beggars before Him, God gives to us fully and completely because of Christ's sake.  I have been plowing forward ever since...in between Walther, praying the Psalter, reading aloud the Living Word, studying the Book of Concord, and listening to Pastor's hymns.

This evening I gained the first smidgen on prayer, though not quite what I am sure will be in that much anticipated chapter.

Hear, O Israel! The LORD is our God, the LORD is one! You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart.You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead.You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.  ~Deuteronomy 6:4-9

This is the Shema, the guiding devotions of the Isralites, given to them by God in place of the amulets so prevalent amongst the pagans of their time that denoted allegiance to a particular god and were believed to ward off evil and bring good luck. Through the Shema, the Israelites named God (gaining holiness as they bore His name), professed faith in God, and proclaimed that He was the only God.

The Shema was not a mere amulet.  It was also not a mere work by man.  By reciting this, the Israelites heard it.  By hearing it, by hearing the Word, they were given faith.  The Shema was Life. 

That this was the next bit in the book is slightly ironic for only last night I mentioned that Pizza Man should tattoo his latest chastisement on my forehead for then I might better remember the Gospel.  He said that I would then need to carry around a mirror.  I countered that my wrists would just be fine. I was joking, but I confess I have long savored the idea of having God's word written upon my doorposts, my forehead, my hands.  That part of being a Jew I thought, perhaps, should not have been lost to Christians.

But it occurred to me tonight that I actually do have God's truth written upon my forehead.  For in my baptism, He placed the name of the Triune God on me by tracing the sign of the cross upon my forehead!  When he retraces the cross, he is writing, once more, all that I believe, all that I have, all that has been promised to me in Christ.

It is a truth Pastor writes once more each time he blesses me.

In the cross, I bear the name of God and, thus, His holiness.  In the cross, I am given faith by the Holy Spirit and receive all the gifts of God.  In the cross, I proclaim, through His only Son, that He is the only true God, the One who gives grace and mercy and forgiveness and peace.

At the end of the confession/absolution liturgy, Pastor traces that cross upon my forehead as he bestows the forgiveness of Christ.  He does the same in the blessings he gives me and in the ones he gives to the children who come to the alter who have not yet been confirmed.  I am sure there are other times this is done, but I know them not. What I actually know about Lutheran Liturgy would fit on the head of a pin, a mere page out of a very thick tomb.  I can sing exactly two bits of the five Divine services:  the Agnus Dei from page 198 of the LSB that Pastor recorded for Reformation Sunday and the Doxology that I learned years ago.  That aside, I realized tonight that his action represents not merely bestowing forgiveness or asking for favor.  Instead, it is the confession of my faith...that I receive it from an undershepherd of Christ, not do it myself, only reinforces the proper relationship between God and man in that faith.  I, the beggar who has nothing to give, still receives all.

Thus, those blessings are not mere words to me.  They are Life.

In thinking about the Shema, more and more and more am I struck by how very, very important hearing is to faith.  Over and over and over again Scripture speaks of having the Word of God in our mouths, on our tongues, falling from our lips.  Why speak if not to hear?

Pastor keeps telling me that he wants to post an entry on his blog on hearing, for I reminded him about its importance when I started reading him his "food" instead of merely handing it to him.  I must admit that I very eagerly await such a post for I am sure to learn from it!

In the meanwhile, he dabbled in hearing with a rather interesting twist during his Wednesday Evening Service sermon.  It is very Myrtle-ish, in that had he the opportunity to record it, I would have played it at least a dozen times since last night for Christ's song to me permeates the pages.  I wonder if I can get someone to read it to me...

Jesu Juva

“Let Your Ears Do the Watching”
Text: Luke 17:20-30 (Exodus 32:1-20)

When it comes to Jesus’ return on the Last Day, we need to be watching with our ears and not with our eyes. For the Holy Spirit works faith through the Word of God that is spoken into our ears and the sheep know not the looks, but the voice of their Good Shepherd. So as Christians, we are to be all ears.

Our Lord spoke against the Pharisees for being all eyes. They wanted special signs, and signs are seen instead of believed. The Pharisees did not trust in the Lord’s spoken words, but rather their own vision and experience. They walked not by faith, but by unbelief that said, “I’ll believe it when I see it.”

And so it is in today’s Gospel. The Pharisees ask Jesus about “when the kingdom of God would come.” They think it hasn’t come yet because they cannot see it. But, in fact, the kingdom of God had already come; it was already a present reality, though hidden to their sight. And so Jesus to tells them, “The kingdom of God is not coming with signs to be observed, nor will they say, ‘Look, there it is!’ or ‘There!’ for behold, the kingdom of God is in the midst of you.”

In the midst of you, and yet they couldn’t see it. Or perhaps we should say instead, they could not see Him. For in Jesus, the kingdom of God had come to earth. In Jesus, the King of the Universe is hidden in human flesh. In Jesus, God’s kingdom with all its blessings in present among us. There is no part of God or His work that is absent or not in Jesus. All the fullness of God dwells in Him. And so the kingdom of God is wherever Jesus is - wherever He speaks His Word, wherever He gives His body and blood, wherever He forgives sins and gives His life. When we have Jesus, we have the kingdom of God!

But the sin in us is not satisfied with that. How often do we want something we can see rather than trusting what Jesus says. We are, in fact, often like the Israelites at Mt. Sinai. Moses had gone up the mountain to receive the Word of God, but he was gone so long the people became restless. They did not want to walk by faith in an unseen leader - they wanted something they could see. And so they made a golden calf - an idol for sight, not for faith. And so they traded the true God for their own version of what they wanted God to be.

We have our golden calves, too. We are no better. We want visible, tangible signs that God is with us, that His kingdom is among us, that He is answering our prayers and keeping His promises. Maybe it is in restored health, or less troubles in your life, or greater numbers at church, or financial stability. We want something we can see, something we can quantify, something we can get our hands around. Evidence.

But just as Israel’s false god was torn down and ground up, the God who loves us will do the same to our false gods. That we trust them no more. That we see them for what they are - false signs. That we repent and return to the God of our salvation. Sometimes that’s not easy. It hurts. Its hard. But our loving God does what’s hard, because its good, and for our good.

And that includes the reason why Jesus was standing in the midst of the Pharisees that day - for out of great mercy and love for you, He had descended from heaven in order to ascend the cross. To take the judgment of all your sin and unbelief upon Himself, be nailed for it, and die in your place. He knew it was coming soon, that’s why He said that “first He must suffer many things and be rejected by this generation.” To become the sign of God’s love for you. To shed His blood and redeem us from our false gods and golden idols, that we may be His own.

And you know what? You can’t see that on the cross. All you can see there is a dead man. But you can hear it! You can hear it as He says: “Father, forgive them.” You can hear it as He says: “Today, you will be with me in Paradise.” You can hear it as He says: “It is finished.” For there, on the cross, the judgment was finished. The judgment of God against the sin of the world was given in full. He endured that dreadful day of God’s fiery wrath and destruction so that you never would. That for you and all who live by faith, Judgment Day be not a dreadful day, but a glorious day. The day when you enter into His glory.

So even though we do not know when that day will come, and life will be going on as normal, you need not fear that day. For just as the Lord provided deliverance for Noah and his family, and for Lot and his daughters, so He has also delivered us from sin and death and brought us into His kingdom. For He has brought us into Christ Jesus. And in Him, in His grace and mercy and forgiveness, we are safe.

How do you know? You can hear it. You hear it in Word of God hidden in the water that washes away sins. You hear it in the Word of God hidden in the man that pronounces the Absolution. You hear it in the Word of God hidden in the bread and wine of our heavenly food. Those things don’t look like anything - but when our ears do the watching, we see the kingdom of God in our midst. We see Christ in our midst. We hear the voice of our Good Shepherd and follow Him.

So we must learn to trust our ears. That is not easy. What our eyes see often contradicts the truth we hear. Our eyes may see only sin and sickness, trouble and death. But the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness, to listen to and trust the Lord’s words, to hear the hidden reality that we are His chosen people, His royal heirs of eternal life. When we listen to and trust the Lord and His words, He sustains us and strengthens us to endure these last days in His kingdom revealed. To walk by faith, not by sight.

In the Name of the Father and of the (+) Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.