Today was another up and down one, but certainly one filled with the Grace of God.

The Wednesday nooner bible study is so very different from the Wednesday evening one that I have been attending off and on for a few years. Yes, there is a marked age difference, but the feeling around the nooner table is just plain different.

Today, poor Pastor D was trying to make a particular point, while we were busy making our own observations. For a man who has no problem teaching, he was hard pressed to get a word in edgewise for a bit. So, just as he was ready to launch into some great instructive comment, J pipped up with her own insight. Oh, my goodness! The look he shot her was enough to stop an elephant in its tracks! I thought she was going to go into labor then and there from the shock. Of course, we all had a great guffaw over the matter, twitting Pastor a bit mercilessly. You see, his wife had arrived late, but happily just as I had arrived so I missed nary a moment. She was noted as late by him. I was not. Truly, at that moment, he had no defense; he couldn't have been right if his life depended on it. Much commentary was had on his looks and his observations of tardiness or lack thereof. I sat there, reveling in the moment, thinking that it was strange to have laughter during bible study. But does not God laugh with us in our joy as He does weep in our sorrows? It was strange to me. When Pastor commented in the evening study that he had never seen me laugh so hard, I proffered my concern for J was the source of why I protested his glare. He rightly observed that she would have been most grateful to him had he triggered the arrival of her fourth child. It seems quite content to remain where it is.

I, then, noticed this little book Pastor had on the table and picked it up. I think the title was something like Pastoral Companion Book, maybe Pastoral Care. After setting it down, I asked what it was. Ever the teacher, Pastor flipped it open and showed me that it had different prayers and such for people in different circumstances. Running his fingertip down the table of contents, he pointed out a few examples. Thinking about the past couple of months, I asked him where I would be. His quick retort: Where are you not! Sad. But still I had to laugh again!

The strange part of the day was that I began and ended it with the same bit of Scripture, the same topic, but that will have to wait a bit.

In 2001, when my friend gave me this blog as a present, she told me that I should use it to write about having Multiple Sclerosis, that I was such a good writer that perhaps someone might take heart. I found the idea compelling and yet off putting. Who would want to read about my life? Yet, I loved the name she helped me choose for the blog and the domain was purchased, so away I wrote.

I personally believe that some of my worst writing has been that about MS. Take the 1,001 times I have written about pain, none of them touch the heart of my experience. To me, they all sound like mighty complaints instead true insights to the disease.

SIGH.

The days of the last week have been long and frightening for me. Granted, I would be the first one to point out that stress affects MS and so the heat of that night could not be the only factor, not since I am still wobbling so much now. I take slow and careful and tiny steps because my legs feel as if they are made of Jello. Were I to stand in one place, I wobble and sway. Shuffling from place to place makes me winded. And all I want to do is crawl back into bed.

In the past, I have written about my struggle with blurred vision and the abortive attempt to see a neurological ophthalmologist. Well, this morning I had a new first for me when it comes to my eyes. I am used to aching pain when I move them. I am used to stabbing pain when the light is too bright. I am used to having to wait for my eyes to adjust when I look from one place to another that is a different depth of field. I am used to the blurriness that waxes and wanes. I am used to the constant headaches from my eyes trying to focus and never quite being able to do so. And I am almost getting used to the need for reading glasses (old age, not MS). What I am NOT used to is that my left eye was completely blurry. I thought, perhaps, when I first put on my glasses that I somehow left my contact in that eye the night before. After rubbing it with my fingertips and then checking my contacts case, I realized that my left eye was just not going to be working today. At least not this morning.

Now, having a blurry eye is not painful. Nor is it terribly difficult since the right one was working as well as ever. But it is quite frightening. Not something I wish to reflect upon for very long. [Pardon the pun.]

So, my day did not begin in the manner in which I would have wished.

However, I spent the early morning (yes, you read that right) talking with Bettina about 1 Corinthians 11 and (yes, you guessed it) some of what I have been learning about Lutheran doctrine. The main topic was head covering, but to me it was another chance to turn over this idea of Grace being objective.

While I have enjoyed the fellowship of the Augsburg Confession, there are a few bits that strike such a chord within me that I feel as if I am a harp vibrating with music. Strong words, I know.

With reference to the crucifixion (Article III): "He did this to reconcile the Father to us and to be a sacrifice, not only for original guilt, but also for all actual sins by mankind (John 1:29)." Sometimes it is easy to think about how Christ died on the cross for us that one moment in time, but in Truth that crucifixion is still happening this moment, a sacrifice for my sins of this day. Just as with baptism, we can say I am washed with the blood of Christ. Granted, I am probably the worst person to hold as an example of that blessing, but that does not make it any less true!

With reference to the Sacraments and Scripture (Article VII): "Both the Sacraments and Word are effective because of Christ's institution and command, even if they are administered by evil men." I personally believe this to be a very bold, yet quite simple example of the pervasive stance we are justified by faith and not by works that is woven throughout Lutheranism. The Lord's Supper, Baptism, and Scripture are all of Christ, His actions, His words. They are not created by man, nor are they affected by our great triumphs or severe defeats. Our purest altruism cannot enhance them. Our basest nature cannot defile them. They are independent of us and their power and blessing depend not on the strength of man, but on Christ. What an absolute relief it is that God's Grace depends not on my own works! Article XIII further explores this understanding: "Our churches teach that the Sacraments were ordained not only to be marks of confession among men, but even more to be sings and testimonies of God's will toward us." That will? To save us!

With reference to that which should be taught in church (Article XXVI): "The Gospel should stand out as the most prominent teaching in the Church, in order that Christ's merit may be well known and faith, which believes that sins are forgiven for Christ's sake, be exalted far about works." Couple that with (Article VI): "The faith given by the Holy Spirit is a living and active power in our lives, bearing the fruit of good works." Add in (Article XXVII): "Paul teaches everywhere that righteousness is not to be sought in the self-chosen practices and acts of worship, devised by people. Righteousness comes by faith to those who believe that they are received by God into grace for Christ's sake." Luther oft talks of being misunderstood about works, as if he taught they were not necessary. Instead, he most often discusses the fruits that will come, should come, from faith. The key is that that faith is from God. Frankly, were the Gospel, the message of mercy and grace, more prevalent in church's, I would surmise that there would be more Christians walking around with the peace that is the wonder of that which was given for us, shed for us on the cross. Instead, I have experienced and seen so much emphasis on all the things we should do/can do to make ourselves worthy by living holier lives. How futile! What can possibly be more holy that the Son of God dying on a cross?

Which comes back to the texts that began and ended the day. I Corinthians 11 and I Timothy 2.

After a very long mid-day with more discouraging news that my heart could bear, I found myself outside the house where we meet for evening bible study, struggling to work up the resolve to shuffle inside.

So, now I am back at the table, still smiling over Pastor D's quip about my fitting most of those circumstances needing special care listed in his little book, when someone began reading the opening passage, a passage next up in cue in the study. It was essentially on just was Bettina and I were discussing that morning! Tears sprang to my eyes because I felt as if God was guarding me fore and aft in that moment. I had wanted more teaching on that very topic. God's timing is perfect.

In short, the issue Bettina brought up with head covering is a perfect example of what I am studying. If a woman wishes to cover her head as a symbol of the right relationship between her and Christ, as an acknowledgment of headship, then I am fully behind that act. Should she do so because it is a part of a list of dos and don'ts plucked out of Scripture and she believes she will make herself more worthy of Christ's mercy and salvation, then I am saddened and wish that she could know the freedom that is in the Work of God, not man.