I had a conference call this morning at 9:00, so I set my alarm for 8:45.  Again, I accidentally set it to PM instead of AM.  Again, I awoke because of a nightmare.  I awoke at 8:59.  Again, my first thought was thankfulness as I raced downstairs to let Kashi out so he wouldn't be howling whilst I was on the phone.

I was oh so foolish tonight, trying the same thing expecting different results.

I went to bible study early, with six questions for the Ask the Pastor time.  I only got to ask two of them.  Neither were answered.  In fact, the second one elicited a comment of puzzlement over why I was asking about the passage in the first place.

The first question was that I understood the passage, but the two scripture references did not seem to match up.  Theory is all well and fine, but I personally believe it should be backed by scripture that is clear explanation, example, support. But I guess I also question the point of the passage, the argument that before Christ there was an angelic chorus of praise and an earthly one and now the two choirs are joined.  If Christ was and is and will be, if the Spirit indwelt those in the Old Testament, such as David, a man who sang the praises of God all the time, then what was it about His incarnate status changed songs of praise from separate to joined?  Why would they have been separate in the first place?  Is is that we were not justified before the Cross and so now, as sinless via His shed blood, we can join the heavenly chorus?  That would fit with the imagery of the alter, that we, the early saints are on one side and those who are in Heaven are on the other side with the Eucharist in the middle joining us together.  If this is the case then, why in the world choose Psalm 29  and Luke 2:14-18 as your Scripture references?  Especially Psalm 29!

As to question number two, I was trying to find comprehension for Bonhoeffer page 52.  I've read that book so many times now that I have lost count.  I struggle with page 28 and page 52.  I tried to explain that while I understood parts of the paragraph on page 52, I do not understand how they fit together.  Why is that so strange a question?

No answers.  Long silences. 

I shouldn't have tried.  Or maybe I should have just asked about 2 Corinthians 4:3.  What is veiled grace?  Shouldn't it be unveiled grace?  Or does it mean that because only the Law is written on the hearts of man whereas grace is veiled from our understanding apart from the Holy Spirit?

SIGH.

The man whose house we use already had the heat running.  I was risking my health by remaining for Ask the Pastor and shouldn't have bothered.  Driving home, I was shaky and turned on the AC to arctic.  In truth, I was already panicking about the heat after about 10 minutes, so I kept trying to push Pastor onto the next question.  All he wanted to do was think about the one I had already asked.

I left before bible study started.  The arctic air helped with the stress of the heat, but it did nothing for the tears streaming down my face.  I wanted to study the bible.  I wanted to learn.  I missed Monday's nooner because my boss bailed on me and I will miss next Monday for another doctor appointment.  I cried because I felt stupid for trying to ask questions and expecting anything different from last time.  I cried because I just don't think studying the bible should be so difficult.  I cried because his using the heat means that I probably will not be able to return to bible study there until next Spring.  I cried because the nursing home is sure to be too hot as well, barring me from Evening Service.  I cried because I really, really wanted to be with others studying, too.  I cried because it seems as all I ever encounter is another obstacle.  If not my heart, then my health.  If not my health, then my work.  If not work, then Pastor's schedule.

I really feel as if I am banging my head against a brick wall.  My inclination is to stop doing so.  But should I?