This morning was Kashi's next accupuncture treatment.  While it is not his most favorite activity, the regular treatments do help with his hindquarter weakness.

I have to say that I find my vet's clinic to be the greatest haven in my life, even more than the nooner bible study.

Remember the appointment where I just cried the whole time and the staff came and visited me and talked to me about their lives and just let me cry?  Well, no tears today, but great weakness.  That didn't matter to them.  It  never does.  Never do I have to pretend to be anything other than I am.  Never do they seem to be tired of my weakness or my ill health.  It is just who I am, where I am in my life, in that moment.  They take me as I am, care for me and mine, and proffer any assistance that might come to mind.  I do not weary them or try their patience.

Ever since the weeks leading up to the anniversary event at work, I have been grossly fatigued.  Work has piled upon itself to where I am hastily moving from task to task.  The event last Tuesday I had to plan, prepare, and manage completely by myself.  That four people from my church, two adults and two youth, volunteered is the only reason the night was the success it was.  The staff at the elementary school have been rather effusive in their praise and gratitude.

Still, not even Wednesday could I relax because we are in "grant season" and are also engaged in a plethora of Fannie Mae's Help the Homeless activities.  Truly, I shall not gain rest until after November 21st when the walk on the National Mall takes place.  My one bright spot is that next Thursday I get to teach the first and second grade classes at the elementary school!  Oh, how I miss teaching...

So, I have been tired and weak all the time, pretending I am not.  This morning, I didn't have to pretend.  In fact, in short order I was lying on the floor of the exam room.  When I am dizzy or shaky, I prefer to be on the floor...less distance to fall should that occur.  Lying on the floor also relieves my anxiety about feeling so poorly and what may come of it, so I am wont to "get low" whenever I feel the need.  At the clinic, they didn't bat an eyelash, sort of like the time I lay on the floor during the nooner at Pizza Man's house.  In fact, the vet merely sat down on the floor next to me, talked with me, tended to my puppy-dog, and then suggested that she turn out the lights and leave us alone for a while.  Kashi's treatment takes an hour, so I got in a good nap!

This afternoon brought another lessoning with Pastor.  He came bearing a gift!  It is a wall plaque of Jesus Christ with a lamb slung across His shoulders.  Pastor keeps telling me that he needs to give me a crucifix for my wall.  I never responded to his remarks because I would like one and I would actually prefer it as a gift.  I have checked some out on the Internet, but mostly I just think about the idea of one.

Pastor W's church recently was gifted with a crucifix for their alter.  Oh how excited he was to receive it, blogging about its impending arrival, its arrival, its blessing, worship before it, and two others about its features.  Below is his response to the first service with the new crucifix:

Yes, it did change things. The image of that love before my eyes. I was drawn to it again and again throughout the Divine Service. Each time I looked it hurt and yet it filled me with joy. He did that for me - for us! Oddest thing is the hands of the Crucified Lord. The right hand is arranged to give the Western blessing (three fingers straight, two bent inward); and unless I am much mistaken, the hand on the left is giving the Eastern blessing, actually spelling the name "Christ" in Greek. I don't know who thought of that, but it was a positively stunning insight. West and East the Lord embraces with His blessing, His hands pierced for both and nailed to the cross to bring blessing to both, hence to all the world. "On my heart imprint Your image!" 

I confess I was one of those Protestants who eshewed all religious art, icons, and crucifixes and such as "Catholic" and really more idols than anything else.  Yet imagery does help.  When in Italy with Bettina, I reveled in some of the most beautiful stained glass windows I have ever seen.  Often, when I am in churches with such windows, I find my mind dwelling upon their subjects.  So, I have been a bit curious about having a crucifix in my home.  My primary thought since Pastor first mentioned that he would like to get me one?  I wonder if I have that to gaze upon if it would be easier for me to remember that I am forgiven...

However, if you remember, I posted the sermon from Pastor Y's ordination because it spoke to me so very strongly...I am a sheep of the Good Shepherd!  The fullness of that wondrous truth filled my heart and soul that day.  Thus, Pastor's gift is a precious reminder of that lesson.

Today's lesson had a very hard, but welcome moment for me.

We are studying Part III of the Large Catechism on the Lord's Prayer in the Book of Concord.  Today, we actually finished the introduction!

Whoever, therefore, does not believe this promise [that He will hear and answer us] must note again that he outrages God like a person who thoroughly dishonors Him and accuses Him of falsehood.  (LC, Part III, 21)

My comment was that I didn't want to be an outrage to God and wondered if I was because the way Lutherans view the promises of God.  I mean, I sort of learned that a promise of God is a verse that contains the word "promise," plus the covenants God made with man.  I told Pastor his next homework assignment for me ought to be an expository piece on what is a promise.

From Dictionary.Com:  Promise

–noun

1.	a declaration that something will or will not be done, given, etc., by one: unkept political promises.

2.	an express assurance on which expectation is to be based: promises that an enemy will not win.

3.	something that has the effect of an express assurance; indication of what may be expected.

4.	indication of future excellence or achievement: a writer who shows promise.

5.	something that is promised.

–verb (used with object)

6.	to engage or undertake by promise (usually used with an infinitive or a clause as object): She promised to go tomorrow.

7.	to make a promise of (some specified act, gift, etc.): to promise help.

8.	to make a promise of something to (a specified person): Promise me that you will come.

9.	to afford ground for expecting: The sky promised a storm.

10.	to engage to join in marriage.

11.	to assure (used in emphatic declarations): I won't go there again, I promise you that!

–verb (used without object)

12.	to afford ground for expectation (often fol. by well or fair): His forthcoming novel promises well.

13.	to make a promise.

 
Either noun or verb, a promise seems to much more.  Or is it simply a declaration of what will be?  By that definition, then all of God's Word is a promise.  And is not Christ is the ultimate Promise?

In any case, my first thought was:  I didn't know that was a "promise"!  How many other promises do I not know and therefore outrage God with them?

I was not, however, prepared for Pastor's response:  You're whole life has been an outrage from the day you were born....but you are forgiven.

What hit me, in that moment, was that I had spent the first 37 years of my life trying to please my mother, knowing that I would never be good enough, never be acceptable.  Yet I had not really seen how that I had been doing the same thing with regard to my faith, that I had, in fact, been taught, in a sense, that I was supposed to be pleasing God, when I will never be able to do so, nothing I do will ever be acceptable.  But, remember the graphic from last week?  God only sees me through the Cross.  So whatever outrage I might deserve, it has already been covered.

When your faith, your spiritual well-being depends on your own works, you are doomed to failure, anguish, and the deepest of despair.  This I know.  This I have lived.

Almost as great at Objective Grace, the world shifted for me again.

I did cry at the realization, but Pastor patiently gave me the time and space until I could share with him what passed through my mind.  He understood my anguish and, I believe, welcomed with me the magnificent gift of that moment.

Of the introduction, the part to which I cling, despite my distress over prayer, is the following:


Besides this, we should be moved and drawn to prayer.  For in addition to this commandment and promise, God expects us and He Himself arranges the words and form of prayer for us.  He places them on our lips for how and what we should pray (Psalm 51:15), so that we may see how heartily He pities us in our distress (Psalm 4:1), and we may never doubt that such prayer is pleasing to Him and shall certainly be answered. (LC, Part III, 22-23)

At the alter, Pastor places the Word, the body of Christ, on my tongue.  How great is it that God places the words of our prayers on our lips!  Pastor also pointed out the promise of  Romans 8:26-27

In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groaning too deep for words and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.

Selah.

Some of the things I have read about prayer still confuse me, still trouble me.  Today's lesson helped in part because Pastor adjured me to remember that Luther and his cohorts were writing in response to the human traditions that had crept into the Catholic church, obscuring the Gospel and placing false burdens upon man.  So, when I read Luther's warnings about prayer, I should keep them in context.

People thought it was enough to have done the act of praying, whether God would hear it or not.  But that is taking prayer on a risk and murmuring it at a venture; therefore, it is a lost prayer. (LC, Part III, 14-15)

Prayer is not really prayer apart from faith, faith based on the promises of God.  So, he was not saying that my prayers might not be "good enough," because I was praying in faith.  But to be assigned prayers as a penance will earn you nothing.  To pray in order to hear the sound of your voice gains you nothing.  To pray flowery speeches in order to impress others with your faith gains you nothing.  We pray because God commanded us to do so.  We pray because we are to not take the name of the Lord, our God, in vain.  We pray because we are His children and He is our Creator.

As Pastor pointed out, that is enough to obligate our prayers.  He owes us nothing.  Yet He promises that He will hear us and answer us.  That He considers our prayers, not because of ourselves, our sinful selves, but because of the Word.  Now that is absolute comfort!

I still am troubled, but I have learned. I have gained ground. 

After Pastor left, I lay on the couch thinking about his words.  But just a few moments later, I fell asleep.  Nearly five hours later, I awoke.  I am tired.  Truly tired.  However, I am very thankful for my lesson this day and for the grace God gave me this morning at the clinic.