A woman at work has been trying to thank me for a long while for restoring her computer.  She wanted to buy me lunch.  Today, I gave in and ate some pizza and drank a Coke.  The meal did not remain with me long and I was ill for hours afterward.

The funny thing was that my boss actually showed a bit of sympathy for me when she spotted me huddled over the color printer waiting for it to spit out the pages I needed.  She asked how the meal went and did not really seem to mind that tears pooled in my eyes as I rather bitterly told her it didn't last.  I then whispered that I am so very tired of not being able to eat.  For once, she seem to truly exude compassion as she told me she didn't know how I faced it day after day.

I can eat protein.  I eat plain chicken and turkey, eggs, and peanuts.  Seriously, Planter's ought to thank me for the rise in its profits.  [Or maybe I ought to be thanking the company for the amount of calories one can consume in peanuts.]  There is a very plain salad at Panera's that I have had several times now.  And, well, that's about it.

I cannot decide if the nausea is better or if I am just used to it, the way I am used to much of the pain I have.  Yes, the agony of yesterday was disturbing, but I did not even wail or weep.  Huddled in the green chair, I spent the evening listing to Pastor's recordings and waited for its passing.  It was with great relief that I did not awake with fire in my arm this morning.

I would surmise that the answer is that I am just growing used to the nausea, given the rather violent response I had to eating.  I am not sure if the Coke pushed it over the edge, but I was being a bit belligerent about the whole problem.  Of course, when I have dared pretty much anything other than protein, I do not fare well.  Although I do wonder if I had more mental fortitude I would be able to just gut it out and keep the food down and if doing so eventually would right the ship.

Still, this afternoon I would say that I had quite a bit of a mental breakdown in my office.  While my boss went off to sign some paperwork, I closed the door to my office and cried copious amounts of tears before I could manage to lay aside my frustration and weariness of this issue.  I wanted to call Pastor to ask him to pray with me, but Friday is his day off and I have disturbed him enough times on this day. So, I turned to the bible thinking to read through some Psalms, when I found myself in Lamentations.  A couple of years ago, I worked at memorizing chapter 3, in part because I feel like a woman who has seen affliction.  What I found interesting was that as I read through the familiar words, I began to wonder just what little tidbits Pastor would be teaching about this chapter were he there...surely he would be grinning about the Gospel shining through!

I began wondering for I immediately saw Hebrews 12 and Psalm 103 in here,with a bit of Job and Jonah sprinkled in..and, of course, Christ.  What do you see?

I am the man who has seen affliction
          Because of the rod of His wrath.
He has driven me and made me walk
          darkness and not in light.
Surely against me He has turned His hand
          Repeatedly all the day.
He has caused my flesh and my skin to waste away,
          He has broken my bones.
He has besieged and encompassed me with bitterness and hardship. 

In dark places He has made me dwell,
          Like those who have long been dead.
He has walled me in so that I cannot go out;
          He has made my chain heavy.
Even when I cry out and call for help,
          He shuts out my prayer.
He has blocked my ways with hewn stone;
          He has made my paths crooked.
He is to me like a bear lying in wait,
          Like a lion in secret places.
He has turned aside my ways and torn me to pieces;
          He has made me desolate.
He bent His bow
          And set me as a target for the arrow.
He made the arrows of His quiver
          To enter into my inward parts.
I have become a laughingstock to all my people,
          Their mocking song all the day.
He has filled me with bitterness,
          He has made me drunk with wormwood.
He has broken my teeth with gravel;
          He has made me cower in the dust.
My soul has been rejected from peace;
          I have forgotten happiness.
So I say, "My strength has perished,
          And so has my hope from the LORD."
Remember my affliction and my wandering,
          the wormwood and bitterness.
Surely my soul remembers
          And is bowed down within me.
This I recall to my mind,
          Therefore I have hope.
The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,
          For His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
          Great is Your faithfulness.
"The LORD is my portion," says my soul,
          "Therefore I have hope in Him."
The LORD is good to those who wait for Him,
          To the person who seeks Him.
It is good that he waits silently
          For the salvation of the LORD.
It is good for a man that he should bear
          The yoke in his youth.
Let him sit alone and be silent
          Since He has laid it on him.
Let him put his mouth in the dust,
          Perhaps there is hope.
Let him give his cheek to the smiter,
          Let him be filled with reproach.
For the Lord will not reject forever,
For if He causes grief,
          Then He will have compassion
          According to His abundant  
          lovingkindness.
For He does not afflict willingly
          Or grieve the sons of men.