Another extraordinary week, another time lost.

Truly, I did not believe I would have made it through the festival.  I honestly believe I could not have done so without the magnificent woman God created in Bettina.

So much work I had to do, so much that I could not do.  I did not complete all that I was given, not by a long shot.  I compromised.  I drew lines in the sand. I blatantly refused.  Struggling to hold the pieces of myself together just one more moment, I called Bettina, barely restraining my wailing, and begged her to come NOW.  Friday, midday, she jumped in the car and made her way to my office where I flung myself at her.  She then worked four long hours, only to work many more the next day, while I merely wilted in the heat.

Such a price I pay.  Last night, while reading aloud, there were words I stumbled to speak, not because of what they meant to me but because I stared at them and struggled to grasp them on my tongue.  My walking has deteriorated; I am dragging my feet and missing steps; the pain in my legs has been constant for days.  My boss did allow me to arrive late and leave early (mostly because the Magnificent Bettina announced she was taking me home), but I never should have been there in the first place.

A part of me is bitterly angry about that and I wish I could go to confession.  I should not be angry.  And what's done is done.

I am angry because my physical weakness is not simply going to disappear with a good night's sleep.  Not by a long shot. And I am angry because I was/am too frightened about my future to risk losing my job by telling my boss to stop what she is doing.

It was not merely the heat.  It was working 64 or so hours last week, working and working and working until I thought I would burst with the frustration I felt at the price I was paying...and would be paying. 

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The cardiologist visit was very hard for me, full of fear and shame, as all times of being examined are.  Having someone there for me made it at least more bearable.  And the nurse was very, very kind.

What was very interesting, to me, is that the cardiologist is learned about MS!  There are two strange things (hence forth to be called wonky) that have been happening related to my heart:  1) when I have engaged in great exertion, I can feel my heart rate/pulse in my lower back; it is quite painful and frightening and 2) when I get up after sleeping just a few hours in the middle of the night, my heart rate skyrockets and my heart pounds violently in my chest; it is quite frightening and make me feel ill.  Both of these are MS things!  I barely got out each explanation when she said, "That's the MS."  What joy!  What utter joy and relief and mercy and blessing to know these two things are merely wonkiness rather than something wrong with me!  I mean, the MS is definitely something wrong, but I had imagined all sorts of horrible things and have tried to explain them to my regular physician and a few other doctors, but none of them understood what I was saying.  She knew straight off!  What joy!  Christ be praised!

There was the outside possibility mentioned...that if my low heart rate continued and it was low heart rate and not low blood pressure that is making me dizzy and faint...one treatment could be a pacemaker.  That news was hard to hear even as a mere possibility.

On the 21st, I am going back for testing that will take somewhere around 4-5 hours in order to check for blockages and several other things to rule out what it might be and try to discover what it is.  Part of it will be a physical stress test, but if I cannot do that because of either MS or asthma, I shall have a chemical stress test...though I am not sure if that would happen that day or another day.  Already I am nervous about this day, wishing I did not have to endure such alone. 



I am Yours.  Save me!