Such night terrors I have at times. Early this morning was the worst I have ever had. Perhaps because there have been many stresses and heartaches and trials of late. Being trapped on the basement floor being one of them. Writhing in pain trying to sleep once I calmed down this morning because I've missed two days of medication being another. My fear of tomorrow. The trial of work. The lingering confusion over leaving my first parish and struggling to find a home in the second one. The terror of watching my brain and body fade away. All of these things tearing at me, fracturing me, weighing upon me.
And yet.
And yet God provided for in such a mighty way, showing me such great mercy, as I can truly rest in Him. I did rest in Him, sleeping peacefully this afternoon.
Pastor C stunned me by offering first to hear my confession, should I wish, before we continued with the prayers he had for me. Should I wish! Oh, how I have longed for that!
In his pastoral care companion book is a simple rite, but he rather willingly allowed me to use the liturgy from the Lutheran Worship hymnal I prefer, so laced with tidbits from the Psalter it is. I admit that I did weep during my confession, but in part it was for joy in anticipation of hearing that Word of forgiveness and having the cross on my forehead. I admit I was the slightest bit disappointed when he only placed his hand on my head and made the sign of the cross over me, but I knew that I would still have the cross traced on my forehead later. I will say that for the first time, my heart did sing with joy as I read the final portion of the liturgy...the first time the joy of absolution came just after instead of that delayed reaction as I absorb what was said.
Sing to the Lord, you saints of his; praise His holy name. For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. O Lord my god, I will give You thanks forever. ~Psalm 30:4-5,12b
What was truly wonderful is that part of his words of comfort were the prayer of the centurion that I have at the end of most of my posts: Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief! He also spoke about how the struggle to grasp the true reality of being daily and richly forgiven is common to many, even he. That fighting my sin, being remorseful and longing for absolution is a beautiful work of Christ in my life. That changed for me how I heard the final portion of the liturgy:
[Pastor] Go in the strength, the peace, and the joy of the Lord, and come soon to receive Christ's body and blood and, being joined to Him, live toward the word and the beauty He would fulfill in you for Himself and for others. Go, you are free.
Afterward, I asked him if he would sing for me. He did gulp a bit and murmur that I have not heard him sing, but I care not about that. He sang for me the hymn I long to sing myself:
Lord Jesus, Think on Me (LSB 610)
Lord Jesus, think on me
And purge away my sin;
From worldly passions set me free
And make me pure within.
Lord Jesus, think on me
By anxious thought oppressed;
Let me Your loving servant be
And taste Your promised rest.
Lord Jesus, think on me
Amid the battle's strife;
In all my pain and misery,
O be my health and life!
O be my health and life!
Lord Jesus, think on me
Nor let me go astray;
Through darkness and perplexity
Point out Your chosen way.
Lord Jesus, think on me
That, when this life is past,
I may the eternal brightness see
And share Your joy at last.
Definitely a Myrtle hymn, eh? .
He then sang the Agnus Dei from page 198 with me.
Oh, Christ Thou Lamb of God, that takest away the sin of the world, have mercy upon us.
Oh, Christ Thou Lamb of God, that takest away the sin of the world, have mercy upon us.
Oh, Christ Thou Lamb of God, that takest away the sin of the world, grant us Thy peace.
Amen.Pretty good stuff there, but he had more for me! He spoke to me about the Gospel for this day and talked about Christ work in casting out the demons from the man, a poignant reminder that all, that everything, is within His dominion. Both my boss and the doctor and technicians tomorrow. These things Christ has under His dominion, all things are in His control. Such is His peace that all things proceed from Him and are in His control. Being marked with His name, I am His
I just love hearing the Gospel read to me. Oh, how I do. But the best part, the absolute best part, was being anointed with oil as he traced the cross upon my forehead. This is so because I can still feel it there now! The weight of the oil lingers as does the fragrance. So all this time, hours and hours later, it as if that moment is still happening. I, Myrtle, miserable, wretched sinner that I am, have the holiest sign in the universe marked my forehead, for, in Him, I am pure and clean and holy!
Personally, I think this is most wondrous, a most merciful gift of God. I did not know it would be like this, but I took a shower just before Pastor C came so that I wouldn't have to wash it off tonight. I am glad I had such a thought! I did not know having a cross anointed with oil would be such a palpable presence. Such a gift. Such a blessing!
Before he left, Pastor C also gave me a blessing. Truly, the only thing I could have wish for would have been for him to bring the Lord's Supper to me. Still, the prayers and hymns and Gospel and blessing and Absolution and anointing were so absolutely precious to me.
Even so, God was even more merciful to me, for the new pastor posted his sermon today! He does not always, which is a sorrow to me. Oh, my, does he divide Law and Gospel. One bit leapt out at me:
And in your fear, look at the crucifix, and see what your Shepherd has done for you. He stepped before the lion, and felt his vicious teeth, like nails driving through skin and bone. But the lion’s teeth bit into a man and found God. He who would devour was himself torn apart; his belly burst from what he could not consume. The Shepherd, JESUS, is the God-Man, whom Satan could not defeat, whom sin could not capture, whom death could not hold.
But the lion's teeth bit into a man and found God. What a thought! Satan could not contain Christ in any fashion and it is His freedom that Christ gives us in our baptism, freedom He won for us despite the cost to Himself.
Below, however, is the whole sermon. Oh, how I have savored it so, feeling the small weight of the oil still and smelling the fragrance of Christ upon me as I read of His love for me. Such a blessed day! Such mercy God has poured out on me this day..even in my fear...even in my struggle...this He has done!
Trinity Three
Texts: 1 Pt. 5 and Luke 15.1-10
Note: William Henry Theodore Naumann was baptized during the Trinity 3 Divine Service.
The discipline of the shepherd had gotten rather stifling. “Why did he put me with these sheep? They smell. They are noisy. They are most certainly not good traveling companions. If only I had some other sheep to be with; we could eat from a different pasture, go see different places, have a different life. I know, I know, it’s terrible to think it. It’s wrong. I’ll just go over here, just a little beyond the boundary the shepherd marked out for me. It can’t hurt to have a little look.”
When he returned, the shepherd asked him, “Did you know you went beyond my border?” “Oh, did I? It was an accident.” The shepherd looked at him for a long while, concerned.
And the next day, that brief trespass across the border became a little longer. The sheep lied to himself as he lingered beyond the border. “I’m drinking a little too much from the well the shepherd warned me about. But it tastes good, and I can handle it. I’ll make it back in time.”
Off in the distance, the sheep spied others. They were beautiful, more exotic; the wind masked their stench while exacerbating the odors of the familiar flock. He heard the voice of the shepherd calling, and for a moment he struggled, knowing he should turn back. “I’m a member of that flock. But I’m growing tired of it. And yet … can’t I do both? Besides, they really haven’t been all that nice to me lately. It’s their fault that I’m out here. I yearn to run, to be free! I’ve always made it back before. I can handle it.”
And he did make it back, just at dusk. The shepherd called to him, but the sheep avoided his gaze. All that night, he rolled over and over. Every bleat and grunt annoyed him, and the stench was growing intolerable. He couldn’t get the image of the other flock out of his mind.
The next afternoon, he went farther than he ever had before. So far that he couldn’t hear the shepherd anymore, or see the flock. As the sun began to set, a low menacing growl terrified him. “I need to get home,” he said in a panic. He ran this way and that, but the more he searched for the path home, the more disoriented he became. He was terrified and exhausted. He heard the sounds of another sheep, bleating in terror. Then there was a roar, and the sound of tearing flesh, and the bleating went silent. He heard the sheep being dragged away, and he knew it wouldn’t be long before the same thing happened to him. For the first time since he was little, he cried. He hid. And he hated himself.
Eventually, the lion saw him. Closing in, the lion licked his chops. The sheep knew he had mere seconds left.
With astounding ferocity, a man leapt into the space between the lion and the sheep. It was the shepherd! He had come for him! The lion roared with fury, and said to the shepherd, “Fool! Why do you care for this sheep? He didn’t listen to you. He doesn’t love you. He went beyond the border. You know the rules. The ones that go beyond the border are mine!”
“Yes, they are,” said the shepherd. “But I want this one back all the same.” “It will cost you,” said the lion. “I know,” said the shepherd, and quietly lay down.
Well, that’s not quite the way that the parable Jesus tells ends. But that is, in fact, the way it ends. Or at least, appears for awhile to end, on Good Friday. For Jesus is the shepherd. And the Good Shepherd gives His life for the sheep.
But the problem with the audience is that they do not realize they are lost sheep. They imagine they are among the ninety-nine sheep who have not wandered away. In their delusion, they imagine they have no need of repentance. They have forgotten the words of their own prophet, “All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned, every one, to his own way, and the Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all.”
Have you been pretending that you are have no need of repentance? Or that the sham you have gone through suffices? I’ve been reading a book by the little-known German reformer Urbanus Rhegius, who wrote this admonition to true repentance: “Pay attention, therefore, pious Christian: Those who do not first acknowledge their own manifold sin and recognize and believe the pure grace of God in Christ our Lord, without any pretending at all, remain stuck in their sins.” Did you catch that? “Without any pretending at all.” Isn’t that what we do? We pretend to others, we pretend to the pastor, we pretend to God, we pretend to ourselves: that our problem is not all that serious, that our sin is not so bad, that our death is a long way off, that moral and spiritual disaster cannot come to us.
Jesus’ call to the Pharisees in today’s Gospel was, “Stop pretending and repent!” And that is His call to you today as well: “Stop pretending and repent!”
When the Holy Spirit was poured out on the Gentiles, the first Christians glorified God and said, “God has also granted to the Gentiles repentance to life” (Acts 11.18). This shows us that repentance is a gift, given by God, and not an an emotion or experience we create for ourselves. Take comfort in that, for God Himself gives even the repentance He requires.
For this reason God has been patient with you, and tolerant beyond measure with your sins. Do you not know, St. Paul writes, “that the goodness of God leads you to repentance?” (Rom. 2.4).
Baptism is repentance. And yet it is not a singular act of repentance, but a life-long pattern. That is the pattern to which William was joined this morning. That is the pattern to which we were all called in our baptism. When we witness the baptism of another person, be it a child or an adult, we are witnessing what our own life is to be: a drowning and emerging, the death of the old Adam (the sinful nature) and a rising to live a new life, all in Christ.
What still needs to die in you? Are you pretending to be a Christian? Have you been holding back on true repentance?
Be afraid, O child of Adam, for your sins are great, you have sought to deceive others about who you really are, and imagined that God Himself would be fooled as well. Be afraid, for God has decreed that man must die.
And in your fear, look at the crucifix, and see what your Shepherd has done for you. He stepped before the lion, and felt his vicious teeth, like nails driving through skin and bone. But the lion’s teeth bit into a man and found God. He who would devour was himself torn apart; his belly burst from what he could not consume. The Shepherd, JESUS, is the God-Man, whom Satan could not defeat, whom sin could not capture, whom death could not hold.
What Jesus is accused of is true: He receives sinners and eats with them. The accusation, whispered in a sneer against JESUS, is the very heart of the Gospel. Jesus receives sinners and eats with them. That is what today, and every Lord’s Day, is about. It’s why we gather here. Jesus receives us sinners and eats with us.
We have wandered. We have lied. We have pretended. We have resisted. Still He welcomes us.
Listen to Him. The things He says are designed for your good, that you might live and not die. The cross the shepherd has laid on you has been designed for you, and He who has borne the heaviest cross will sustain you as you follow Him.
Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief!
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