Being at work was strange today, thinking and watching what was happening as if I was an observer. 

I was disappointed wearing the monitors, both heart rate and blood pressure, because I felt that the time during which I wore them was an extraordinary one.  If nothing else, I was not still and quite, either on the couch or behind the keyboard or commuting, for my heart rate to drop.  Since I turned in the blood pressure monitor this morning, I wore it longer than 24 hours and it went off three times driving down the highway.  The nurse said that when it repeats it is because a reading was too high or too low.  Perhaps some data was captured.

I am quite doubtful about that...good data being acquired.  I mean, I walk into a doctor's lobby and my heart rate leaps at least 20 or 30 beats per minute... if not more.  My blood pressure jumps as well.  How can the cardiologist ferret out what is wrong if I cannot relax around her?  SIGH.

What was strange is that while I did not have the sinking episodes and consequent blood pressure drops while off from work, I did most certainly have them all day long.  Is it my job?  Or is it merely because I was still once more?

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In the Book of Concord, Luther speaks of the terrors of my heart and then gives the sweet, sweet Gospel to soothe them.  Sin is so ugly, so crippling, so pervasive.  But Christ crucified covers even that which I find horrifying.

A couple of weeks ago, when responding to my anguish over something that happened, Brother Goose wrote:  Was it something that revealed you to be an honest to God sinner?  But Goosie, we all know that.  It can't affect or change for a moment the love that is yours in Christ Jesus - from Him directly or from Him through us.


I am a silly goose in that, when confronted with the depths of my sin, I feel as if there is no place I should be, believe that no one possibly could wish to be around such a one like I...one so weak in faith at times.  I cannot see at all that I could still be loved if such a thing as that which brought me low were to come to light.  One knowing the truth of me, one not, yet both had the same words of encouragement.


Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief!