I have slept more than anything else this day.  One phone call to Bettina.  Two emails to Papa Dore.  Naps.  Naps.  Naps.  Right now, I am contemplating another, except that I have been hungering for Walther for weeks on end, too exhausted to delve into the next evening lecture, the 16th one.

Yesterday morning, in response to my admission that I spent so much energy I should not have really done whilst they were here, Papa Dore wrote:

There are no contingencies on our love for you, nor any strings attached, nor conditions for you to meet.  You do not have to work to please us; you do not have to make us like you; you do not have to earn our love.  Love doesn't work that way, in any case, but we already love you, and we like you very much, too, and we are pleased for you to be our daughter in the Gospel.  The Gospel, little lamb.  It does not demand or take, but forgives and gives life by the grace of God in Christ Jesus.  His righteousness for you, not your righteousness by works of the Law.  His grace, mercy and peace showered upon you from His wounded hands and sides.  His Holy Spirit poured out upon you generously.  That's all yours, free and clear.  And so is our love for you, our home and family.

The words that leapt out at me were not the ones about love, but that the Gospel does not demand or take.  Boy, does the Gospel I carry in my heart demand!  It demands that I enlarge my faith, deepen my relationship with God, and serve as a good witness.  All of these are impossible for me—as I now understand why—but the failure of the latter still haunts me.  I mean, seriously, even Swordman told me last night that he only skims my blog because he finds it discouraging...that I struggle to believe that which I confess so clearly.

I know my witness stinks.  I know it!  I mean, I am not out there doing great things for the Kingdom of God. I am not boldly thanking Christ for my suffering.  I certainly am conformed to this world, wounded so deeply by the experiences I've had that I struggle to walk in the sweet, sweet Gospel the Holy Spirit is pouring out upon me so richly, so freely, in such great measure that I am truly humbled...even when I am weeping.

SIGH.

What I love about Walther is that no matter when I pick up The Proper Distinction of Law and Gospel, I receive instruction germane to the very moment I am reading, to the very struggles I face.

For the confounding of Law and Gospel that is common among the sects consists in nothing else than this, that they instruct alarmed sinners by prayer and inward wrestling to fight their way into a state of grace until they feel grace indwelling in them, instead of pointing them to the Word and the Sacraments. (153)

Oh, does that sound familiar!  Chasing that feeling is so very futile, yet I chase away.  Maybe not now toward building my faith, but as evidence of my faith, in that if I feel so wretchedly, how can I possibly be walking with Christ?  Or as Mama Dore put it so very eloquently, if I cannot earn my salvation, certainly I ought to be able to feel as if I deserve it.

Theirs looks like a very godly and Christian procedure, and an inexperienced person can easily be deceived by it.  But God be praised! we have God's Word, which does not deceive us; a Word on which we can rely and by which we can abide in the present darkness, which it lights up for us.  When Death summons us hence, we can, though void of any feeling, follow him confidently and say:  "I shall gladly go with you.  I praise God for my escape from this terrible prison.  I entertain do doubt that I shall stand before the throne of a gracious God.  Why?  Not because I feel that way; not because I have performed good works; not because I have amended my mode of living.  All these things would be sinking sand; for it is quite possible that in the house of death feelings of gladness will forsake me.  Being accustomed to rely on the Word, I have the trusty staff which I need for support at my passage through the dark valley of death." (153)

In the present darkness...not death, but certainly darkness I face...work...health...learning the true depths of my sin...experiencing the brutal sin of another.  If nothing else, Christ, in His infinite mercy, has given me an undershepherd who is willing to pour out His Gospel upon me over and over and over again with a patience that is clearly born of the Holy Spirit, not a finite man, who has made a concerted effort that I begin my days with the Gospel and lay my head upon my pillow with it ringing in my ears.  If that is not Light in my darkness, I do not know what is.

And here, spelled out so beautifully, is exactly why my feelings matter not.  True, they are still something that God, in His perfect wisdom, has given us as humans, something that He uses for His glory and His instruction, but they are not a part of faith; faith is not borne of feelings nor is it sustained by them.

The lectures is actually very much about the means of grace, upon which he expounds in the opening section:

According to the Holy Scriptures, Baptism is not merely washing with earthly water, but the Spirit of God, yea, Jesus with His blood, connects with it for the purpose of cleansing me of my sins.  Therefore Ananias says to Saul:  "Be baptized and wash away thy sins," Acts 22, 16; and Jesus says to Nicodemus:  "Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the Kingdom of God," John 3, 5.  He names the water first and then the Spirit, for it is by this very baptizing with water that the Spirit is to be given me.  In Gal. 3,27 the apostle says clearly and distinctly:  "As many of you as have been baptized into Christ have put on Christ"; and in Titus 3, 5-7:  "Not by works of righteousness which we have done but according to His mercy He saved us by the washing of regeneration and renewing of the Holy Ghost, which He shed on us abundantly through Jesus Christ, our Savior, that, being justified by His grace, we should be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life."

According to the Holy Scriptures the Lord's Supper is not an earthly feast, but a heavenly feast on earth, in which not only bread and wine, or only the body and blood of Christ are given us, but together with these forgiveness of sins, life, and salvation is given and sealed to us.  For, distributing the bread which He had blessed, Christ said:  "This is My body, which is given for you...this do in remembrance of Me,"  by the words "for you" He invited the disciples to ponder the fact hat they were no receiving and eating that body by the bitter death of which on the cross the entire world would be redeemed.  he means that to remind them that they out to break forth with joy and gladness because the ransom that was to be paid for the sins of the whole world was, so to speak, put in their mouths.  Offering the disciples the cup which He had blessed, Christ said:  "This is the cup, the new testament in My blood, which is shed for you."  Why did He add the words "shed for you"?  He meant to say:  "When receiving the blood of redemption in this Holy Supper, you receive at the same time what has been acquired on the cross by means of this sacrifice."

Finally, according to the Holy Scriptures the absolution pronounced by a poor, sinful preacher is not his absolution, but the absolution of Jesus Christ Himself; for the preacher absolves a person by the command of Christ, in the place of Christ, in the name of Christ.  Christ said to His disciples; "As My Father hath sent me, even so send I you."  John 20,21.  What is the import of these words?  None other than this:  "I am sent by My Father.  When I speak to you, My words are the words of My Father.  You must not consider the humble form in which you see Me.  I come in the name of the Father, in the place of the Father, and the word of promise that proceeds from My mouth is the word of My Father.  Now, in the same manner as My Father has sent Me I am sending you.  You, too, are to speak in My name, in My place."  Therefore He continues:  "Receive ye the Holy Ghost; whosesoever sins ye remit, they are remitted unto them; and whosesoever sins ye retain, they are retained. (151-152)

SIGH.  Such comfort, is it not, to see how Christ is giving us all of this rather than demanding we somehow earn it or give something in exchange for it?  Given my wretched, sinful state, I am quite thankful my salvation does not rest upon me.

The problem for me, I believe, besides the whole twenty-six years of inculcation of a Gospel that demands my works, is that even salvation is sort of distorted for me.

Salvation.

I've written about the Protestant view that salvation happens once, based upon an act (the crucifixion of Christ) set in the past. When were you saved? being the most common question (but also meaning—erroneously—When did you ask Jesus to living in your heart and thus do the necessary work for your salvation?). But I am need of being saved all the time, not just that day when I was eleven years old...saved from my sin...saved from the assaults and accusations of the devil...saved from my own nature's unbelief.  These things are happening now and they will happen again tomorrow, no matter how I strive against them.

I think that I need to work on equating salvation more with forgiveness (I am saved = I am forgiven), even as I strive to remember the present perfect tense of salvation, He is still saving me, and the present perfect tense of forgiveness, He is still forgiving me.  I know my terror at the knowledge of my sin and doubt is why I crave confession/absolution.

While acknowledging longing for absolution is a very good thing—good for me and good that I struggle against my sin in repentance—Swordman, last night, admonished me and encouraged me to see that Gospel is absolution.  So, actually, I receive absolution in the reading of the Living Word, in the singing of hymns speaking of the Living Word, in the sermon properly dividing the Living Word, and in the Body and Blood of Christ instituted by the Living Word.

SIGH.  He is right.

I just find such solace and strength and comfort in confession, in making that grand exchange, in laying down my sins before God and receiving back His forgiveness in Words to which I can cling and remember when satan throws that sin back in my face.

Walther goes on to consider in depth the means of grace in the Confessions, so I wish to stop now and ponder further this first portion for a while, lest I gloss over this very important Word given to me....


Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief!