God held me in His hands today.  This I know.

Thanks to Sprint, Bettina rode to work with me, walked through the door with me my first day back from work without my beloved buttercup and played Scrabble with me.

I miss my puppydog. I do so very much.  I ache with the loss of him and am afraid of being left alone with just my feelings for company, with no joyous greeting after a long, hard day of anger, punishment, and colossal failure.

Today, my boss was terribly angry with me because I did not call her before I left for work.  She had texted me, but I did not notice it.  I did check my work email, before I left, but mostly I just left early because we are not ready...we are nowhere ready.

When she is very angry, she punishes me by talking to a co-worker and making that co-worker tell me what my boss wants me to do.  Any interaction with me is terse and livid.  Today, I was saddened by the realization that when she does this, I try harder to please her, to placate her, to make her like me again...even knowing she really, really dislikes me.  Coming to see such a pattern with me turns my stomach.  What is crushing is that I know that should she do the same tomorrow, I will be hard pressed not to try and placate her again.

There are, of late, too many things I am learning about myself that part of me cares not to know.  Too many things.  I am weary of such, longing for true rest.  Most of me believes such a thing is not possible.

I am watching myself change.  I see how much I have lost.  I know the growing struggle it is to hide that loss, hide my confusion, my weariness, my pain.  Small things, most days.  Small things that could take many years to add up to that which takes my life.  Still, they are there.  And they terrify me.

Every time I close my eyes, I still see my precious petunia's final agony, still hear his final scream, as he fought the cocktail going into his body.   Oh, would it were that I had never witnesses such a terrible death....




I am Yours.  Save me!