I cannot win for losing...

I know that I am being very churlish and very petulant right now. Part of me is ashamed.  Part of me cares not, for I want to SCREAM out loud that IT isn't fair.

In the mail today, I received money from my grandfather's estate.  Of course I know I should put it all toward my medical bills from the pit bull attack.  But I wish that I could enjoy this inheritance, not merely have it cover expenses from a violent attack, the cause of which is another's fault and the expenses from which should be another's responsibility.  But, alas, the world of Myrtle simply does not work that way.

I called my beloved Bettina to open the mail with me.  So often, it has been bad news.  At this point, I do want to be alone when I open it.  Today, however, I had an unexpected distribution from the estate.  I was so surprised.  And, well, I really wanted to get something I wanted with it.  Anything but pay bills.

Bettina, bless her heart, suggested that I purchase the new pocket version of my beloved Book of Concord.  I have been HUNGERING to own it, but at $44.99 (plus tax and shipping), have found it to be rather out-of-reach.  My heart leapt at the idea!  Such good a good thinker she is!  I was so excited to own this copy that I could more easily carry about with me that I turned around to go back downstairs to log onto the computer.

In my haste, I was not as careful as I should be going through any doorway and smashed my left foot into the door frame.  Poor Bettina had to endure much hollering and cussing as I tried to swallow the pain.  I am about 98% sure I broke two of the toes on my left foot.  Plus, something seems to be moving about in my foot itself when I try to walk on it.

However, I DO NOT want to spend any more money on my body!  I DO NOT want another medical bill.  I DO NOT.  I DO NOT.  I DO NOT!

[Picture Myrtle flailing about on the floor while she is shouting this.]

I did hobble to the car, drive to the bank, deposit the check, and then high-tail it over to Taco Bell to drown my sorrows and pain in food.  Yes, I did that even though I awoke at 4:00 this morning rather violently ill.  That spot on the back of my head had been pressed against by the weight of a bun I forgot was in my hair when I fell asleep.  Mostly, I forgot because I had an asthma attack last night and struggled to fall asleep in the first place.  Such misery.  I took down my hair, showered, emailed a friend who is also a pastor, and crawled back into bed weeping and afraid and ashamed of my fear when I know what was happening.

I figured that if I am going to be miserable with foot pain after being miserable from that stupid nerve I would like, very much, to have cut out, then I would at least be miserable with Taco Bell.

This afternoon, as a way of avoiding the whole idea that I probably should be at the ER, I used the inheritance money to pay the orthopedic surgeon, doctor, and hospital.  I now have the ambulance bill and the MRI bill outstanding.  Since the MRI bill was denied as was my first appeal, I girded my loins and had a weeping-free conversation with the insurance company to see what was the next step.  Then, I called the hospital and spoke with the billing department to ask that it file the appeal, based on the preauthorization that the facility was to secure, but was missing.  This put the bill in holding, while an investigation is launched and the appeal is filed.  Mostly, all that is guaranteed is that no interested will be charged until an answer is forthcoming from the insurance company regarding the appeal. Something at least....

I then called Toyota and set up an appointment for the two recall repairs that are outstanding on my Highlander.  I have avoided doing this because sitting in plain chairs hurts.  Period.  After a few minutes, I begin to ache and the pain builds and builds until I get up.  This is why, at my appointments, I primarily just lie on the floor.  However, I do not believe lying on the floor at the Toyota service center will go over well with both staff and other customers.  However, I would rather be sitting in a Toyota waiting room (for free service) rather than an emergency room waiting room (for not-free service).  Silly, I know.  Wednesday, from 1:00 PM to 4:00 PM I shall be tending to my vehicle.  [Do I get brownie points for that since the two notices date back to February?]

Finally, I girded my loins yet again to call Dell back, since I have not heard from the supervisor since Thursday, to ask about the replacement computer that was sent but does not work...crashes with software installation. The escalation team member said he would look into a third replacement computer and call me back before six this evening (it is now 6:07).  At least I tried.

After all that responsibleness, I very much wanted to purchase the BOC, but I keep thinking of all those bills.  So, I chose a smaller purchase.

You see, I have made two new friends, a pastor and his beloved wife who live out in North Carolina.  Kind folk are they.  I have not asked them for nicknames, so I thought perhaps I would just assign them Fred and Ethel.  You know...as in a couple of good neighbors!

Fred is the one who is reading my blog from beginning to end.  [Perish the thought.]  He is also as ardent lover of the Small Catechism as I am of the Large Catechism.  It is too long, really, to work through my thoughts and feelings (and fears) surrounding the Small Catechism.  Suffice it to say that I generally avoid this cliff notes version of our faith in favor of the Large Catechism.

As I wrote to Fred by way of explanation:  I love that there is no room for me in the Large Catechism. Even the brutality of Part One is a wonder. Luther spins out each commandment in such a way that there is no room for satan to twist a jot or tittle of it into helping you think that you could possibly keep them. In their impossibility, they drive you to the cross. Do not steal means do not steal, do not allow others to steal, protect the possessions of others and help them to increase their possessions. Do not lie means do not lie, do not allow others to lie, protect the reputation of others, even laying your honor upon their foibles. Enormity that can only be covered by perfection...and perfection is only gained through the cross. What a bloody conundrum! I LOVE that the next four parts sing of the sweetness of the Gospel, spinning it out to cover the entire existence of the human race, not just the whole world but all the worlds that have been and will be. I love that woven throughout his instruction is a litany of anguish, doubt, despair, and attacks of our foe. In the Large Catechism is my weak and weary faith, my doubts and despair, my bruised and broken body.

But I have not been able to set aside his own passion for the Small Catechism.  To give this piece of our Confessions better due, I decided to make a purchase I spotted on another friend's blog.  In one entry, she was reviewing her resources for this next year of homeschooling and mentioned those having to do with catechesis.  Something that caught my eye was Sing the Faith, which is the Small Catechism set to music for children.  At $7.99, I would barely notice this purchase from the inheritance funds (along with the $7.62 I spent at Taco Bell--yes, this includes burritos for tomorrow's lunch, as well as food for today's lunch and dinner).  I will admit, that I would MUCH prefer this not be children singing.  However, it is, at the very moment, playing.  I thought, perhaps, if I play it enough, I might think a tad bit differently about the Small Catechism.  [Did you get that, Fred?  Any brownie points from you??]

So, here I am, having spent 99% of the inheritance money on medical bills, staunchly ignoring the pain in my foot.  And I am weeping for once again I will not be receiving the Lord's Supper.  It has been an entire month, between difficult days and the holiday.  Now, another week will pass.  Hobbling to and from the car to go to the bank and Taco Bell was too much.  There is no way I would make it all the way to the sanctuary.  In less than half an hour, my brothers and sister will be given the sweet, sweet Word of Absolution, have the Living Word surround them, the sweet, sweet Gospel poured over them, and the forgiveness and healing of the very body and blood of Jesus Christ placed in their mouths. I rejoice for them, but I am bitterly disappointed for me.

Why, oh, why did I have to smash my foot today? Why not tonight...after church...or even tomorrow???



I am Yours, Lord.  Save me!