One of the worst parts of dealing with Dysautonomia is that I faint, often, when I am tending to my own "major business." It is a vasovagal response to stuff pressing/moving past the vegus nerve. Not only is it disconcerting, to me, it is the most shameful thing I have to deal with. Amos' wanting to help at such times just makes things worse.
I fainted today because of that. And I got ... angry. Angry at this darned disease and what is happening to me.
So, I washed my car. I have not washed it in 3.5 years and have been wanting it washed. Sandra told me that I had no business washing my car. I ignored her astute observation. She also said it was too cold, that the water would freeze, including in my doors and locks. I considered that which I had not considered. However, with this warm weather, I figured I should just do it.
I fainted 8 times. But my car is clean.
Still extraordinarily frustrated with this disease, I girded my loins and asked the seminary grad student if he would take me to church. With my pillow packed, I decided to to test out my pastor's assertion that it would not be "wrong" or disturbing/distracting to others if I went and lay down instead of sitting and suffering in the pews. After all, I have learned to sit down just about anywhere, when I need to, no caring what others think. This isn't about that. Honestly, it is not that I care what others think about my lying down. This is about not distracting others from the service. Rightly or wrongly, I have been told on more than one occasion in the past three years that my tears were distracting ... and that I have trouble meeting other people's eyes at times. And, to be fair, I am afraid that lying down might prompt someone to come "help" me and reach out and touch me. The PTSD and my startle response is still a battle. So, I hoped he was right, because I really, really, really wanted to hear and receive some Gospel. I really wanted some part of this day to NOT be about how sin ravages every facet of this world.
Because I am the most ungrateful wretch on the face of the planet, I am still struggling with the fact that even after interrupting the seminary grad's study evening to drive me, I had the Lord's Supper by myself with just the pastor because the ushers forgot to tell the pastor I was there and wanted to be served in the pew. I know I was in church, but it was an empty church with everyone else gone. I struggled with accepting his offer to go consecrate more elements after everyone was gone. I wish I could say my first thought was for the grad student waiting on me, but it was that I would be all alone again.
I do not ... honestly do not ... understand this almost visceral desire to be with others when the Lord's Prayer is prayed or the Creed is spoken or the Lord's Supper is consecrated. For a wall flower hermit, it is almost too strange a desire to bear. When I talked with my pastor about it last week, this was why he encouraged the pillow trial, especially if I had someone to ward off those who might perceive my lying down as a desire to be "helped." He understood--though did not really explain to me--why it was I wanted to be in church.
I had four choices of pillows that would fit in my Kenya bag (that I have had since I was a missionary). The one I picked turned out to be perfect. However, I forgot to bring an ice pack. And what I did not think of was to bring sun glasses for the overhead lights. I need to make a packing list for church if I am going to do this. [Of course, I could pretend I am a child and also include a drink and a snack! It would probably be sinful to chow down on Taco Bell in church (I pass by one on the way there).]
I did notice two things, one of which helps me feel less of a "bad" Christian. The first thing was finally understanding why I prefer the Apostle's Creed to the Nicene Creed, having just said the Apostle's Creed with my pastor last week. I do not know the Nicene Creed, and it is like those stories on the memory tests in that it is filled with lots and lots of facts. So, I cannot hold them in my mind when I am reading it. When that happens, all the text becomes merely noise to me. This happens with too much information in whatever I am reading or hearing. I was sooooooooooooooooooooo relieved to realize this. There is a good reason for me to prefer the Apostle's Creed! I am not a horrible Christian for struggling with the Nicene Creed; I am just brain damaged!!
The second thing, after having just sung Divine Service Three, I realized why I really like the Agnus Dei in that setting more than in Setting One. I thought it was the tune, which I do prefer, but I realized that in Divine Setting One, I can finally sing two parts: the Sanctus and the Agnus Dei. What I like about DS3 is the Thous and Thys! I am an old-fashioned gal. I like my Thees and Thous and Thys a whole bunch. Calling God "You" all the time sort of bothers me. That's one thing I like about my beloved NASB 1977 translation of the Bible. It retains some Thous and Thys and Thees.
For someone who spends a lot of her life confused by her own mind, her own thoughts, feelings, and responses, learning the whys and wherefores of two things was a bit of a blessing.
The sermon was on how we had three Advents, not just one: the Church year (celebrating Christ coming to us as a human), the Lord's Supper, and when Christ comes to raise our bodies up to Glory.[See, I can listen lying down.] Since I most conveniently had a seminary grad student in the car afterward, I finally worked up the courage to ask about the raising of the body. I am to go read I Corinthians 15.
Because I didn't allow enough time to get the car out of the garage, I made us miss the Absolution. I know we receive forgiveness in the Lord's Supper, but hearing the Absolution at the beginning of the Divine Service is one of the bestest parts. I felt bad that my poor planning affected the grad student, too. One of the pastors is a tad slow in starting the Monday night services and the other is exactly on the button (if not a tad early). I really need to be in the car at 6:15 instead of walking out the door at that time.
So the grad student might study better, I went upstairs to bed straight away after we returned, rather than watching TV in the GREEN chair, walking across the floor, and playing with Amos--all of which can be rather loud overhead to someone studying in the basement. Amos doesn't mind. He's still in the process of forgiving me for leaving on a day that is not my appointment. He knows my schedule better than I.
Hours and hours later, my the muscles in my limbs are still quivering for my angry washing of the car. So, lying in bed, where I am inclined to move less, is probably a good thing. Only I did forget to bring up an ice pack when I first walked up. And when I fetched something to drink. And then when I got some food to raise my blood sugar. And when I let Amos out one last time. SIGH.
I had four choices of pillows that would fit in my Kenya bag (that I have had since I was a missionary). The one I picked turned out to be perfect. However, I forgot to bring an ice pack. And what I did not think of was to bring sun glasses for the overhead lights. I need to make a packing list for church if I am going to do this. [Of course, I could pretend I am a child and also include a drink and a snack! It would probably be sinful to chow down on Taco Bell in church (I pass by one on the way there).]
I did notice two things, one of which helps me feel less of a "bad" Christian. The first thing was finally understanding why I prefer the Apostle's Creed to the Nicene Creed, having just said the Apostle's Creed with my pastor last week. I do not know the Nicene Creed, and it is like those stories on the memory tests in that it is filled with lots and lots of facts. So, I cannot hold them in my mind when I am reading it. When that happens, all the text becomes merely noise to me. This happens with too much information in whatever I am reading or hearing. I was sooooooooooooooooooooo relieved to realize this. There is a good reason for me to prefer the Apostle's Creed! I am not a horrible Christian for struggling with the Nicene Creed; I am just brain damaged!!
The second thing, after having just sung Divine Service Three, I realized why I really like the Agnus Dei in that setting more than in Setting One. I thought it was the tune, which I do prefer, but I realized that in Divine Setting One, I can finally sing two parts: the Sanctus and the Agnus Dei. What I like about DS3 is the Thous and Thys! I am an old-fashioned gal. I like my Thees and Thous and Thys a whole bunch. Calling God "You" all the time sort of bothers me. That's one thing I like about my beloved NASB 1977 translation of the Bible. It retains some Thous and Thys and Thees.
For someone who spends a lot of her life confused by her own mind, her own thoughts, feelings, and responses, learning the whys and wherefores of two things was a bit of a blessing.
The sermon was on how we had three Advents, not just one: the Church year (celebrating Christ coming to us as a human), the Lord's Supper, and when Christ comes to raise our bodies up to Glory.[See, I can listen lying down.] Since I most conveniently had a seminary grad student in the car afterward, I finally worked up the courage to ask about the raising of the body. I am to go read I Corinthians 15.
Because I didn't allow enough time to get the car out of the garage, I made us miss the Absolution. I know we receive forgiveness in the Lord's Supper, but hearing the Absolution at the beginning of the Divine Service is one of the bestest parts. I felt bad that my poor planning affected the grad student, too. One of the pastors is a tad slow in starting the Monday night services and the other is exactly on the button (if not a tad early). I really need to be in the car at 6:15 instead of walking out the door at that time.
So the grad student might study better, I went upstairs to bed straight away after we returned, rather than watching TV in the GREEN chair, walking across the floor, and playing with Amos--all of which can be rather loud overhead to someone studying in the basement. Amos doesn't mind. He's still in the process of forgiving me for leaving on a day that is not my appointment. He knows my schedule better than I.
Hours and hours later, my the muscles in my limbs are still quivering for my angry washing of the car. So, lying in bed, where I am inclined to move less, is probably a good thing. Only I did forget to bring up an ice pack when I first walked up. And when I fetched something to drink. And then when I got some food to raise my blood sugar. And when I let Amos out one last time. SIGH.
At least my car is clean....
I am Yours, Lord. Save me!
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