92...

Ninety-two days since my last meltdown ... or rather now it has been 0 days.  SIGH.  I do not like how I respond to things.  At all.

I got caught behind a train on the way to the GP's office and ended up being late.  Three minutes.  Yes, three. I called ahead to say that I was running a bit late and initially my appointment was going to be canceled.  I panicked.  And was afraid.  And wept.  Failing to regain control, I ended up shaking and weeping during my entire appointment.  My GP was great about moving through it anyway, but I was discouraged.  Mightily.

It didn't help discussing the continuing congestion in my head and chest after this cold.  I have a lot of congestion.  She suspects allergies keeping me from healing.  I refuse to have allergies again.  Absolutely not.  And she suggested that I get tested for them.  Absolutely not.  No way.  Never.

I sent an email to the immunologist with that recommendation.
SIGH.

She also started me on a new medication, azelastine.  It is absolutely knocking me back on my heels in one dose!  I am not looking forward to the second dose, but I am trying to keep an open mind.  It is an antihistamine to go with the anti-inflammatory I already take.

Since I was out, I dragged myself over to the furniture store to retrieve the other free cooling pillow.  I chose the side sleeper one (BedGear Night), which is the highest, the first time round.  So, this time, I chose the back sleeper one (BedGear Dusk), the middle height.  That way, I could have comfort both reading and sleeping!  I do not understand how they work, but the fabric really is cool.  Lying on them is as wild, to me, as lying on the iComfort Foresight foam mattress.  Definitely foam mattresses take some getting used to, but the adjustment is totally worth it, in my opinion.

At the store, I ended up collapsing on a bed for a while, because I was just so tired.  That gave me the opportunity to talk to the salesman with whom I had been working.  One very interesting tidbit I learned, as I lay shaking and wishing desperately someone would magically appear to drive me home, is that my mattress is capable of being on an adjustable bed frame!

The home nurse who visited on Tuesday to do an initial assessment, talked with me about further supports I could have in my home.  And adjustable bed, especially being able to raise the head, is something that has been recommended to me.  And the feet.  It was good to learn that I can leverage my mattress investment into further comfort and care later on.

I joked on Facebook that I have embarked upon Operation M3C (Make Myrtle More Comfortable).  Hence, the sofas.  Hence, the mattress.  After talking with the nurse, I decided my next step will be to install a handicapped height toilet in my bathroom.  I have one on the first floor and the basement, but not my bathroom.  I have been thinking about getting removable handles for the toilet, but I really just need to get a new toilet.  I called my plumber for an estimate:  $400.  Honestly, I am not sure how I can save for that whilst paying off the mattress, but I am determined to eliminate whatever discomfort I can as I live the wretched life that is dysautonomia.

After the toilet, maybe the bed frame ($800).
Or an electric travel chair.
Have I mentioned I sometime am envious of other folk's walkers?

I really wish that I did not meltdown today.  I am still struggling with the shame of it ... and the tears that are a bit too close to the surface.  But, from what I have learned reading the shame research book, I know that those tears and my emotions will leave and I will once more walk with my head held high when visiting the GP's office.

I am not my tears.
I am not my fears.
I am not my shame.