Sunday, July 03, 2005

"this grace in which we stand"

I have been thinking a lot about that phrase.

I find it nearly incomprehensible how words penned thousands of years ago can speak so clearly to me. I know that God's Word is a living document, that scripture can sustain and teach and comfort and chastise. I know this. Yet, a moment like yesterday, when I turned to the Bible to set aside what I was feeling and seek truth and found a passage that troubles and comforts at the same time, causes me to marvel anew.

I stand in God's grace. As a child of Christ, I have salvation and live beneath His grace.

Yesterday, that was never more evident when I was struggling with hurt from my brother's call and found a reminder of where I really am. Not in Alexandria. Not in a job that causes such anquish at times. Not in a body trapped by disease. I am in God's grace.

What ways does He let me know that His family can cover the hurts of mine?

I had resigned myself to not talking with my best friend again until the Tuesday morning commute. Naturally, the weekends are spent with her family, not on the phone with me or playing Scrabble. Not that we don't ever play on a weekend, but I just don't count on it. Her husband is home, both their families are off work, lots of things to do.

There I was, feeling a bit lonely, comforted by God's Word, but still stinging from hearing my brother hang up on me. And she called for a game or two! She hadn't read my post. She didn't know how my day had gone.

But God did! Even though I really don't like losing, I do so enjoy playing Scrabble and talking with her and hearing about all the things going on in her life. God gave me a family in her who does not mind that I am no longer svelte. Who is willing to walk at my slower pace. Who would never hang up on me. Who truly loves and appreciates me, foibles and all. Who reminds me to walk in truth. That is my comfort. My state of grace.

Why does the passage trouble me?

I stand in grace. This I know.

But... I walk in fear at times. And one of those times is now.

I realized something while talking with my boss during my review on Thursday... I genuinely fear the two vice presidents. One has yelled at me twice and threatened me. The other one I have heard yell at staff. Their anger frightens me. I do not feel completely safe when I am with them and avoid any chance at being caught alone.

I pop into the first one's office when I have a question so I can ask it and leave. I no longer make appointments to discuss something alone with him. I fear what he might say if the door were shut. If he was ready for my presence rather than being caught a bit off guard.

The other is extremely dismissive of me and of my work, my ideas. It is hard to talk with him when he looks at me as if I didn't really matter. When he tells me he is too busy to do the communications task I need. When he bypasses me and talks to the press. His latest tactic is to send my boss an email notifying her of a press contact after the fact. I do not matter. I am dismissed. When I try to get him to work with me, I know I irritate him and sometime anger him. Although he has not yet yelled at me as did the other vice president, I know that he yells at his staff and I do not want to be caught in his anger.

Neither is interested in working with me, so I have accommodated them by working around them as much as possible and limited my contacts with them when I needed to interact with them. The situation is not good for our company as well-managed communications, staffed by myself or someone else, is critical to growth. But how do you work with people who frighten you?

I stand in grace. I stand in grace. I stand in grace.

What does this truth mean for me at work?

And...I yelling SOP for the business world?

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