Have you ever had a day that turned out so utterly different from that which you expected, one filled with frustration or hurt or disappointment, and yet somehow you cannot honestly call it a bad day?

Today, I can say with all confidence that I am baptized! In fact, after the act, I repeated those words like a litany against the devil, against my hurt, against my disappointment, against the fear I felt in my helplessness.

Bettina and I spoke well into the night, actually more like nearly round the clock last evening. It is good to call a spade a spade. It is good to be honest, even when that honesty means admitting how very much you hurt, the reality of desperation. Fears and failures wash over us humans like a tide upon the beach, inexorably eroding our stability with distressing regularity.

We are not perfect. We live in a fallen world. Try as we might, we cannot change those two facts. Faced with the futility of our efforts to save ourselves, to shed those fears or failures, reality can be quite bleak.

Now, you might be thinking I am referring to those who live not beneath the blood of Christ, but in this case they are the very ones to which I am referring. Despite the absolutely complete, ineffable act of mercy in Christ dying upon the cross, we still try to sanctify ourselves, to make ourselves more holy, more faithful, deserving in some manner. The world--and sadly much of the Church--tells us that we must strive so. We must continue to work in order to grow in our faith. This fallacy, I believe, is the most egregious act of Christian leaders and teachers. We cannot do anything. Those good works which we do manage to accomplish on behalf of others are only done because the Holy Spirit enables us to do so. We live in a fallen world because mankind is fallen. Therefore that which we attempt to do on our own is not holy, is not good, and most certainly does not save us from eternal death.

Today was my baptism. I am baptized! I have a certificate and a candle and eventually will have a napkin (JW did not have time to finish the intricate stitching she is doing on it since Pastor only made his offer but 4 days ago and her home has been filled with friends and family come to celebrate the baptism of A so she took it back from me).

But, oh, how this day has not been as I would have wished or dreamed about since I first became convinced that I was not, in truth, baptized in the name of the Father, Jesus Christ His Son, and the Holy Spirit.

That long night never ended for me. Bettina went off to bed because she had but a few hours left to try and get some sleep before the needs of her children began again. I first wrote to Pastor D, trying to better articulate that which I failed to do yesterday during the confession/absolution I had requested before this day and then I prayed the rest of the night for Bettina, her husband, and her children. For one with MS, a very, very stupid thing to do. For a child of Christ an absolute necessity.

Somehow, we all managed to arrive at church in time for bible study (Sunday School), I being the most excited for the past two lessons on Genesis have fascinated me, thrilled me, and challenged what I had thought about creation and those first few steps of mankind in our world. And then there is the absolute beauty of God's plan for our redemption from the moment of our fall into sin.

But today the lesson caught me off guard. A normal, natural topic rose up within me such a wave of shame and hurt that I fled the room in search of a place to hide. Certainly the sin which was visited upon me as a child marks me too deeply, that I am too unworthy to walk down the aisle to the baptismal font. All I could think was that this lesson topic coming this day was a confirmation that this Sacrament was not for me--was not given before now, though I have walked with Christ for 31 years, because I have no right to it.

The closets in which I would have hidden, the dark places I could wrap around my shock and disbelief that this was to be how my baptism turned out to be were all in the basement where classes and cooking for the celebration meal were taking place. I wound up in the crying room, a small room at the back of the sanctuary where parents can go to ease their children's distress. After crawling in a corner, I began shaking in my anguish and wondering what I was supposed to do when in a very short while everyone was expecting me to walk down that aisle. I could not approach that baptismal font. I could not.

Pastor came in to change into his robes, not even seeing me. I shrank back further, hoping that he remain oblivious, but eventually he saw me. He has been trying mightily to step away from his you-need-to-be-direct-with-me-because-I-have-the-typical-dense-male-mind and today managed to do so. When I did not want to say why I was so upset but mentioned his lesson, comprehension dawned shortly thereafter. Much to my confusion, knowing how I felt made him even more certain that the baptism should take place. I only curled up into to a tighter ball. He fetched JW.

That woman, oh, how she troubles my waters! She arrived, most determined to have me join her daughter in baptism, speaking strange words to me. She explained that I was not really the one walking down the aisle. Instead, it would be Christ bringing me there. No matter what I told her about my past, about the lesson topic, about how I felt, she was resolute. Being just three weeks from giving birth, she somehow nevertheless managed to get me to a standing position and then, rather magnificently, placed her baby girl into my tremblings arms.

To say this has been a stressful week is an unbelievable understatement. Stress can bring on an MS flare as completely as can heat. I was already caught in that trap. Yet JW ignored the obvious, would not take back her daughter, and basically herded me down to the front of the church.

A has been fussing for a few days and had arrived screaming to that room. But in my arms she fell asleep. It was as if she knew that I needed comfort and gave herself over to that act, mirroring the peace she brings to me.

Shortly thereafter we were all at the baptismal font. I holding the baby and JW holding me up, keeping me from collapsing to the floor.

Oh, how I wish I could remember the baptismal liturgy. My whole being was consumed with my own fears and failures and the past that oft haunts me, while simultaneously concentrating on not dropping A, even though my trembling was worsening, wet noodles status had set in, and my hands and feet were beginning to tingle. When it was A's turn, Pastor took her from my arms and my last truly lucid thought was how tenderly he held her and the joy on his face as he washed her with the water and the Word. I wondered if he would have the same joy for me.

What kind of woman trusts me to keep her daughter safe when I was not safe myself? What kind of Pastor can know the vile acts visited upon me and still believe that there was nowhere else I should be but there with Christ to receive His gift of being washed clean?

Afterwards, JW got me back to the first pew, holding my hand as I wept through the rest of the liturgy I heard before I lost my grip on staying in the moment. Every mention of every act of mercy and grace and love bestowed upon us made me cry harder. I am baptized!

Then, the service ended for me. I fainted. JW caught me and held me upright until I regained consciousness some five minutes later. She then helped me to lie down on the pew because I could do no more than be trapped by my helplessness.

JW remained by my side, her hand a comforting weight on my shoulder. Long after the service ended, I remained trapped where I was, but Pastor came to tell me the essence of what I missed. Bettina and her children visited before taking my place in the celebratory meal. And JW ensured that I was not left alone.

When it was time to start leaving, Pastor's wife helped me to sit up, and then essentially held me because I would not have remained upright even should I have so desired. I mostly concentrated on listening to her heartbeat. There was another moment during which I lost consciousness, but I believe it was not too long. I asked her what I should do and still, in this moment, believe she was correct that going to the hospital would be the best course of action. But being alone there, being alone after this week, this day, I could not do. So, I once again chose to ask for help to get home.

To leave was an effort I am still amazed was successful. Pastor and JW's husband, my other baptismal sponsor, bore the bulk of my weight as I dragged myself to the car. Pastor was then to meet Bettina at the house to help me inside. Unfortunately, he had more to do at the church and Bettina had to end up some how dragging me inside and upstairs to the bathroom. That Bettina made her car similar to the North Pole on the trip home brought some strength back to my limbs. However, I believe that she was not alone in helping me. I believe I was not alone.

When Pastor arrived, ever willing to help, he received a rather strenuous workout getting me back downstairs where it is cooler and I had a greater chance for recovering from the MS flare. In a spate of wisdom, he suggested that I take a Zanax to try and help me relax. I wonder if it was to relax against the pain from my incision for I felt something tear a bit when I was being bundled into the front seat of Bettina's car or relax from the tremors that still wracked my body or to relax from the emotions of this day. His was a good decision.

Even though he was pressed for time, I asked that he read aloud to me, knowing he would be eager to do so if time were willing. He agreed and read to me Job 38:1 - 42:6, a passage that is near and dear to my soul, one that though I have read countless times, I heard anew this day...such is the power of the Living Word.

Ever the teacher, Pastor returned a few of my comments with additional teaching to help me further understand the majesty of these words and the greatness of God's work. He also repeated for me, not once, but three times, the Truth of Christ's work in our lives that the Holy Spirit might one day enable me to grasp it fully even though breaking through the lies and vile acts that mark my life so that I might fully see and know and taste the sweetness that is objective grace is probably the most difficult task he has undertaken and the medication was already doing that which he intended for me.

I spent the afternoon dozing, waking, and falling asleep once again as Bettina cared for me and for her children, despite her own fatigue and her own battle with fears and failures. I even managed to keep down a bit of cheese, a handful of peanuts, and some more of those baked sweet potato fries. She fetched and carried and saw to my every need, including walking Kashi while I slept again.

Christ had a mighty message for both of us this day in Pastor's sermon. Through the blessing of technology, I am able to receive it in whole, though I was not able to hear it this morning.

Again, I give you in part before the whole so that you might see and taste as well.

And so the cross is where the lovelessness of sin and the sinlessness of love come together, and love wins. The love of God. [The next seven statements based upon the seven last words of Christ from the cross.] The love of God who is forsaken, so that you will never be. The love of God who thirsts, that you may drink His living water and never thirst again. The love of God who lays down His life for His Bride, the Church. The love of God who promises us Paradise through His blood. The love of God who says “Father, forgive them.” The love of God who gives His Spirit to you. The love of God who dies your death, that you may live His life. His life, for He is not dead, but risen! For death cannot reign where sin is atoned for and forgiven.

And that is the love and truth and victory that came to Annalise and Patricia this morning - and which came to you - in the waters of Holy Baptism. For although it looked quite ordinary, or like something we were doing, what happened there was quite extraordinary and something our Saviour was doing. For there, the lovelessness of their sin and the sinlessness of God’s love came together, and love won. Their sins are washed away, they are children of God, and have the promise of eternal life.

Would you believe that while I was lying there helpless to move, barely able to talk, and mostly lost in the moment, I did notice that for the absolute first (and probably last) time that I actually knew every hymn (or at least tune for every hymn) this day? For once, I could have raised my voice in song without trying to struggle through notes and words. I could only listen to the comfortingly familiar music and cling to the praises I knew were being raised.

The sum of this day was that I could do nothing. I had not envisioned or planned or would have ever desired it to be so. After all this was my baptismal day! And yet...and yet...I am learning that this is how it should have been. Christ did it all for me. He does it all for you.

While he was here, Pastor fetched my baptismal certificate, read it to me, and then propped it up beside me so that I could know, despite the fog of this day, that I am baptized!

His sermon:

Jesu Juva

“Desolate Places Turned Green Pastures”
Text: Mark 6:30-44

Grace, mercy, and peace to you from God our Father, and from our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. Amen.

Three times today we are told that Jesus and His disciples were in a desolate place. Three times. Mark wants to make sure we know that. And that Jesus is there on purpose. For after His apostles return from their work, Jesus willfully takes them there to take care of them and give them rest. To a desolate place. Not to some feast or party or comfortable place of ease, but to a desolate place - because desolate places are often where Jesus does His greatest work.

But they are not there long before the crowds show up. In fact, the crowds got there before them. And when Jesus gets out of the boat and sees them, He has compassion on them too. For they too are in a desolate place - but not because they ran there on foot. The desolate place for the crowds was their hearts. For, we are told, they were like sheep without a shepherd. They were not being fed or cared for, and so they were lost and lonely and spiritually hungry.

So in that desolate place, Jesus does a great work - He feeds them all. He feeds them all first spiritually with His Word, and then He feeds them all physically, using only five loaves of bread and two fish. And they are filled in body and in soul. They receive the care that only He can give. For Jesus has turned that desolate place into the green pasture of the Good Shepherd.

And so it is for you.

For what desolate place - or places! - do you find yourself in? There are no shortage of them in this world. Places of isolation, or loneliness, or emptiness, or struggle. Perhaps you are there because, like the apostles, Jesus has led you there - not to punish you, but to care for you. To take away all in which you put your trust, that you trust only in Him. Or perhaps you are there because, like the crowds, others have let you down. You have not received the care they should have given and that you needed. Or perhaps you are in such a place because you yourself have wandered off, looking for what you thought were greener pastures and tastier pleasures, only to find yourself entangled in satan’s sinful web of lies and deception. Or maybe it is all of the above. But make no mistake about it, however you got there, desolate places are difficult places.

So sometimes we think we shouldn’t be in such places. That if Jesus really loved you, He wouldn’t take you there. Or that if Jesus really loved you, He wouldn’t let you be in such a situation. Or that if you really loved Jesus, you wouldn’t have wandered off. And with such thoughts, our desolate places become even more desolate, as satan uses these times and places to try to drive us to doubt and despair.

But do you see? Do you see, O child of God, how satan tries to use these lies and your sin to define you? To define your situation? To define love? He wants to make you think your experiences and feelings define the truth. That if it feels good it is good, that if it feels bad it is bad, and that whatever you feel is the truth.

But it is not so. Not all pleasure is good, and not all struggle is bad. And there are lots of changes in this world, and changes in you. To base truth on anything in you or anything in this world is to have a truth that you can never be certain of and never rely on, and so a truth that is constantly changing, constantly shifting, and so in the end no truth at all. It is to have no foundation on which to stand, on which to live.

But we do have such a foundation! For in the midst of this world of change and desolate places, there is one thing that never changes, where truth is to be found. One thing from outside of us, come into our world, upon which we can base our hope and put our faith. And that is the cross of Jesus. The cross, which is the desolate place of all desolate places, which our Saviour has turned into the greenest pasture of all.

For the cross shows us truth of the desolation of our sin. It is the cursed tree with no branches, the place of separation, the altar of agony and death. It is what you deserve because of your sin. But the cross also shows us the truth of the love of God, for when you look at that cross, it is not you on it - but another. Another who has taken your place. Another who has taken your sin, your curse, your guilt, your punishment, your death, that it all be His and not yours. That He be the prisoner and you be set free. And that is possible and true, because the One hanging there is not just another, but God Himself. The Son of God come in love to give Himself for you.

And so the cross is where the lovelessness of sin and the sinlessness of love come together, and love wins. The love of God. [The next seven statements based upon the seven last words of Christ from the cross.] The love of God who is forsaken, so that you will never be. The love of God who thirsts, that you may drink His living water and never thirst again. The love of God who lays down His life for His Bride, the Church. The love of God who promises us Paradise through His blood. The love of God who says “Father, forgive them.” The love of God who gives His Spirit to you. The love of God who dies your death, that you may live His life. His life, for He is not dead, but risen! For death cannot reign where sin is atoned for and forgiven.

And that is the love and truth and victory that came to Annalise and Patricia this morning - and which came to you - in the waters of Holy Baptism. For although it looked quite ordinary, or like something we were doing, what happened there was quite extraordinary and something our Saviour was doing. For there, the lovelessness of their sin and the sinlessness of God’s love came together, and love won. Their sins are washed away, they are children of God, and have the promise of eternal life.

And that is the love and truth and victory that came together for you this morning in the Absolution. For although those words sounded quite ordinary, or like something we are doing, what happened there was quite extraordinary and something our Saviour was doing. For there, the lovelessness of your sin and the sinlessness of God’s love came together, and love won. For His Word - which always does what it says - said to you: “I forgive you all your sins.” And in that forgiveness you were raised from death to life again.

And that is the love and truth and victory that comes to us this morning on the altar in the Lord’s Supper. For although this looks quite ordinary, or like something we are doing, what happens here is quite extraordinary and something our Saviour is doing. For here, the lovelessness of our sin and the sinlessness of God’s love come together, and love wins. We eat and drink the body and blood of Jesus, our sins are forgiven, and we receive His life and salvation.

And so in the midst of our desolation - the desolation of sin, the desolation of the world, the desolation that seeks to overwhelm you - Jesus has firmly planted His cross, to do His greatest work in you. To turn your desolate place into the greenest pasture of all with the abundance of His gifts. To feed you and care for you and shepherd you. Though all the world forsake you or leave you or turn against you - He never will. For you have His promise, that He is here for you. Always.

Perhaps, though, sometimes He will have to lead you to that desolate place Himself, like with His apostles, that you lie down in these green pastures. Perhaps sometimes you will run to them, like the crowds, because you are hungry. Or perhaps, lost in your sin, your Saviour will send a messenger to you, to bring that green pasture to you. For remember, there were twelve baskets full leftover. One for each apostle. Not for them to eat, but as Jesus said, for them to give “you something to eat.” And so for them to continue to give His gifts, His life, His salvation. Wherever they go. In every place and every time. That no one be without. That in big churches or little churches, in groups of fifties or hundreds, all be fed by our Saviour, who is the Bread of Life. Fed first by His Word, then fed by His meal, that our desolate places be desolate no more, but be green pastures of life, forgiveness, and love.

And so it is as we sang:
The Church’s One Foundation is Jesus Christ, her Lord.
She is His new creation, by water and the Word.
From heav’n He came and sought her To be His holy bride;
With His own blood He bought her, And for her life He died. (LSB #644, v. 1)

That is the foundation proclaimed by the prophets and the apostles, and the truth upon which we now stand. And there is no other. There is no other truth on which we can rely. No other Shepherd who can give us life. No other Saviour who can overcome sin and death. Only one. And He is here, for you.

And that makes a difference in everything we do. That we have a place to stand and a truth that will not change or let us down. That no matter what others say, no matter what others do to us, when we stumble in sin and fall flat on our faces, when we feel like we are in exile and desolation, when we finally succumb to death and the grave - in all these things there is one constant which will never let us down: our Saviour, whose Strong Word created you, redeemed you, and will one day restore you, when He calls you from your grave and is for you forever what He is for you now: The Lord our Righteousness.

So even,
Through toil and tribulation And tumult of her war
[We] wait the consummation Of peace forevermore
Til with the vision glorious [Our] longing eyes are blest,
And the great Church victorious Shall be the Church at rest. (LSB #644, v. 4)

At rest in green pastures forevermore.

In the Name of the Father and of the (+) Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Now the peace of God which passes all understanding, keep your hearts and minds through faith in Christ Jesus, our Lord. Amen.