I have spent the evening studying Article XII (V) Repentance of the Apology of the Augsburg Confession. I wish I could say that I was greatly enlightened, but I still admit that I am not the most learned when it comes to reading this document. The stupidity still reigns.

However, I would like to note a few things that I have been noodling. I had started reading about confession/absolution, primarily because of the video blog I mentioned last night and because of wanting that myself. But soon I settled into trying to wend my way through Melanchthon's words on repentance in which he tried to separate out grain from the chaff as he sifted through the teaching of the time.

To deliver godly consciences from these mazes of the learned persons, we have attributed these two parts to repentance: contrition and faith. [AAC, XII (V), 28]

Ah, but this sounds so simple, eh? SIGH.

Something I find interesting to think about is that we cannot have contrition without faith and we cannot have repentance without faith. This mean that we cannot have confession/absolution without faith. Without faith, we have no awareness of our sins--no fear and love and trust of God. The Ten Commandments are just words. They might spark a response from a person's mores, but they do not convict, chasten, and ultimately crush us beneath the weight of our sin before God. They hold no truth for us.

You might think I digress, but I would like to add a bit from Bonhoeffer's treatise on Psalms Pastor D gave me from the first part:

But it is a dangerous error, surely very widespread among Christians, to think that the heart can pray by itself. For then we confuse wishes, hopes, sighs, laments, rejoicings--all of which the heart can do by itself--with prayer. And we confuse earth and heaven, man and God. Prayer does not mean simply to pour out one's heart. It means rather to find the way to God and to speak with him, whether the heart is full or empty. No man can do that by himself. For that he needs Jesus Christ (pp 9-10).

Now, I know that prayer apart from God is just meaningless babble, but I have been thinking a lot about the fact that so much, oh so much of my prior teaching has been utterly laced with works. Even in prayer. Even in repentance.

I keep thinking that I can do this, I will do that. After all, the whole of our lives is really about the "I." I was born. I grew up. I work. I play. I love. I. I. I.

I tell my godfather that I wanted to work on getting better about being comfortable around him and he gently reminds me that it is Christ who will be doing that work. Christ who teaches. Christ who defeats sins. Christ who heals its repercussions in our lives, be they from our own sin or collateral damage from that of others.

I. I. I.

We say that contrition is the true terror of conscience, which feels that God is angry with sin and grieves that it has sinned. This contrition takes place when sins are condemned by God's Word. The sum of the preaching of the Gospel is this: to convict of sin; to offer for Christ's sake the forgiveness of sins and righteousness, the Holy Spirit, and eternal life; and that as reborn people we should do good works. So Christ includes the sum of the Gospel when He says, "Repentance and forgiveness of sins should be proclaimed in His name to all nations" (Luke 24:47). [AAC, XII (V), 29-30]

[Read Psalm 38:4,8; Psalm 6:2-3; and Isaiah 38:10,13]

In these terrors, conscience feels God's wrath against sin. This is unknown to secure people living according to the flesh. The conscience sees the corruption of sin and seriously grieves that it has sinned. [AAC, XII (V), 32]

The Gospel, in which the forgiveness of sins is freely promised concerning Christ, should be presented to consciences in these terrors. They should believe that, for Christ's sake, their sins are freely forgiven. This faith cheers, sustains, and enliven the contrite, according to Romans 5:1, "Since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God." This faith obtains the forgiveness of sins. It justifies before God, as the same passage testifies, "since we have been justified by faith." This faith shows the distinction between the contrition of Judas and Peter, of Saul and David. The contrition of Judas or Saul (Matthew 27:3-5; I Samuel 31:4-6) is useless because faith is not added. Faith grasps the forgiveness of sins, given as a gift for Christ's sake. So the contrition of David or Peter (2 Samuel 12:13; Matthew 26:75) helps because faith, which takes hold of the forgiveness of sins granted for Christ's sake, is added to it. [AAC, XII (V), 35-36] [Emphasis mine.]

Notice that it does not say we grasp. No, it is faith which grasps forgiveness. By faith we become aware of our sins and our need for Christ. By faith we recognize and understand what He did for us on the cross. By faith we see our sins. By faith we receive forgiveness. By faith. There is no I in that. If there is no I, then there is no place for our works in the process.

Were I at the nooner bible study (I missed it this day), Pastor would be grinning ridiculously and say, "See, the answer always is Christ!" Yes, it is.

I personally think that much of my previous teaching has been de-Christ-ed. His work is relegated to the past. Its power and fruition linger to the present, but most everything else becomes about the I of our lives. I accept Christ. I live by faith. I do good works. I work at being godly, being holy. I have loved Christ for 31 years. I am a great prayer warrior. Every I we claim refutes the cross. Every I declares that Christ's death was not completely necessary, that He is just a man, rather than God-man, as Pastor Y so aptly described. Do you think that a harsh judgment? Perhaps. However, I have been bathed in more Gospel in three months worth of sermons than I have in three decades. Truly.

My good and gracious Savior is giving me such rich teaching, such valuable resources. Yet all I keep thinking about is how much more I can stand, I can handle.

I hate the Is of my life. I hate that it is easier for me to believe the things that are not of God than those that are. I hate that my faith is absolute in eternal matters, yet absolutely weak in the temporal ones.

I will say that the last time I talked with Pastor, he gave a rather impassioned diatribe on the dangers of confusing emotion with faith, with feeling and faith. [It would make for a very good sermon.] Faith is based on the Word. Nothing else.

What has made things so much more difficult for me is how much I think MS has destroyed my emotional filters, how much more so in the past year or so.... I can be mildly perturbed inside and yet have tears streaming down my face. It is as if I am trapped within myself, watching something that is happening of which I am not a part. It has also made pretending the things that bother me do not increasingly more difficult. I cannot hide behind impassivity. And I tend to blurt out things I am thinking, things I would normally never say. I voice some of the distractions I have when conversing because I cannot stop following the train of thought. Consider all the crazy things we think about simultaneously in our minds and think how you'd feel if even a part of your stream of consciousness spilled out into your conversation.

Then there is the cognitive dysfunction about which I have blogged repeatedly, primarily because it frightens me so and because I do not believe anyone has truly heard me when I try to speak of it. I am greet most often with like examples that are a pale, pale reflection of what I experience. I want to scream at them. How often do you forget your name? How often do you forget how to form a letter, how to spell your own name? How often do you spend an hour at a gas station because you cannot figure out if you have just arrived or need to leave?

So, I am trying to unravel the previous lessons of my faith to separate out the grain and chaff, while battling a disease that compromises my mind and my emotions. A mighty task I would proffer. One I feel/believe, at times, is frankly impossible. However, shift from I to Christ and then perhaps it is actually doable.

For God is able, right?