Another life punch to the gut today. Truly, I simply cannot envision facing the loss and starting over. Many tears shed again. And...apparently...my stomach is now directly connected to my heart. The news made me so ill I have not yet managed to eat and I am still so nauseous that concentrating on anything is difficult. Personally, at this point, I am quite offended at my body. Frankly, I believe it should be far more supportive than it is being.
However, a dear, dear, dear woman talked with me after I emailed her my news. She is not a phone person, so her calls have been especially sweet. The bestest part, the most merciful, is not only that she pours the Psalter over me, but that she does so with such understanding of what it means to me and such appreciation for the wonder of how God gives us the very words of our hearts to pray. Plus, frankly, she channels the Holy Spirit quite well straight to my wounded soul, choosing the most perfect psalm for the moment...although...there simply are no not-good psalms. Period. They are all lovely, amazing, and absolutely perfect. They are also like baptism. Luther teaches us in the Large Catechism that you can spend a life time studying Baptism. I have spent prayed through the Psalter so many times I have lost count. I have prayed many of them many of dozens of times. Yet I barely have scratched the surface of what this treasure trove has for us. For me. Myrtle.
I will bless the Lord at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul shall make its boast in the Lord;
The humble shall hear it and rejoice. O magnify the Lord with me,
And let us exalt His name together.
I sought the Lord, and He answered me,
And delivered me from all my fears.
They looked to Him and were radiant,
And their faces shall never be ashamed.
This poor man cried and the Lord heard him,
And saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him,
And rescues them.
O taste and see that the Lord is good;
How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!
O fear the Lord, you His saints;
For to those who fear Him, there is no want.
The young lions do lack and suffer hunger;
But they who seek the Lord shall not be in want of any good thing.
Come, you children, listen to me;
I will tech you the fear of the Lord.
Who is the man who desires life,
And loves length of days that he may see good?
Keep your tongue from evil,
And your lips from speaking deceit.
Depart from evil, and do good;
Seek peace, and pursue it.
The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous,
And His ears are open to their cry.
The face of the Lord is against evildoers,
To cut off the memory of them from the earth.
The righteous cry and the Lord hears,
And delivers them out of all their troubles.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted,
And saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Many are the afflictions of the righteous;
But the Lord delivers him out of them all.
He keeps all his bones;
Not one of them is broken.
Evil shall slay the wicked;
And those who hate the righteous will be condemned.
The Lord redeems the soul of His servants;
And none of those who take refuge in Him will be condemned.
~Psalm 34 (NASB 1977)
I emailed her afterward that what I like best is how utterly compassionate she is and refreshingly honest. I do need honesty and frank and blunt speech, but I most definitely need it to be couched in compassionate words. She also emailed a post from Susan's Pendulum, a blog I added to my list written by a dear friend of hers.
"God Will See You Through It"
Scars.
When things go wrong, upbeat Christians will sometimes cheerily assure you that God will see you through the troubles. When things go wrong, people point out how God has brought you through trials in the past, and He will be faithful and bring you through these current trials too.
But some of those past trials left scars -- death of a loved one, divorce, irreversible health problems, etc. There is no assurance that these current trials will not also have their ramifications and leave their own scars.
It is true that the Lord will work for our benefits even when harm comes to us. It is true that He will preserve us in the faith and see us through these trials to bring us to our heavenly home. But sometimes the prospect of new scars is daunting.
It made me think of some admonition/insight I was given by an undershepherd:
Quit trying to walk when you can't. Let Him carry you. Don't be offended. That happens when you look at yourself, but not when you look at Him and what He wants to do for you. I know it is hard because you look at what others close to you have done. It is hard to believe that someone would not hurt you the same way. But look at His scars and see. He doesn't make scars on others. He takes them and He wants to take yours. Cry to Him. It is ok. He will listen.
Two people talking to me about scars.
Something important she said is that nothing changed today. She is right. It will change in two weeks. So, for two more weeks, I have this gift of my Good Shepherd. All I have to do is see what He will do with its loss.
Boundaries. I wrote about them recently commenting on a blog. I do want them. I struggle to understand them. It is a mess of my own making. Yet I need them even more than I understand. I need them. I need them.
The Psalter is a boundary for me. It contains my emotions, holds them, renders them safe. It contains my faith, frees it from the fetters of the false instruction I have had, the terrible burden of Jesus being the new Moses instead of Christ crucified. It contains the near unbearable weight of "How in the world can I do this?"
The LORD is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the defense of my life;
Whom shall I dread?
When evildoers came upon me to devour my flesh,
My adversaries and my enemies, they stumbled and fell.
Though a host encamp against me,
My heart will not fear;
Though war arise against me,
In spite of this I shall be confident.
One thing I have asked from the LORD, that I shall seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life,
To behold the beauty of the LORD
And to meditate in His temple.
For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle;
In the secret place of His tent He will hide me;
He will lift me up on a rock.
And now my head will be lifted up above my enemies around me,
And I will offer in His tent sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the LORD.
Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice,
And be gracious to me and answer me.
When Thou didst say, "Seek My face," my heart said to Thee,
"Your face, O LORD, I shall seek."
Do not hide Thy face from me,
Do not turn Thy servant away in anger;
Thou hast been my help;
Do not abandon me nor forsake me,
O God of my salvation!
For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
But the LORD will take me up.
Teach me Your way, O LORD,
And lead me in a level path
Because of my foes.
Do not deliver me over to the desire of my adversaries,
For false witnesses have risen against me,
And such as breathe out violence.
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the LORD.
~Psalm 27 (NASB 1977)
One psalm at a time.
Numbers.
Two weeks.
Four opportunities.
Three alternatives.
One thing.
One thing I have asked from the LORD, that I shall seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life,
To behold the beauty of the LORD
And to meditate in His temple.
One thing.
Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief!
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