I am so tired of being ill and of missing the Lord's Supper. I am stupid and made that worse, so I thought I would just make Sunday pass without my noticing. I can do that. My metabolism is so blooming slow that medication that might make you sleepy completely knocks me out. So, here is it 24 hours later and I can barely walk or anythng and am off to be again. No football, no nothing. Honestly, why anyone takes drugs voluntarily is beyond me, but then again, that is exactly what I did, isn't it.
I told someone I just do not understand why I crave the Lord's Supper so very much, why missing it hurts more than anything I have ever experienced. She said something along the lines that it is the very body and blood of Christ and that since I have been so deeply wounded in body having healing that is in body is probably why it means so much, why I crave it without really understanding why.
I hate how I feel right now, so fuzzy headed and barely able to walk and seeming as if I am not really here in the moment. Yet a very large part of me is wondering if I have enough pills that make you groggy to keep me groggy, even if it is merely Benedryl or something like that, until I am well enough to return to church.
Somewhere along the line, the frustration of my innards has been surpassed by the frustration of longing for what I cannot have. I have acted stupidly and fear more stupidity on the horizon.
I am Yours, Lord. Save me!
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