Tuesday, January 03, 2012

And more...


Last night was truly the worst I have ever experienced.  Even trying to find a comfortable spot for my head on a down pillow felt as if I was lying against concrete.  And it felt as if any moment it was going to explode from the pressure building inside.  Inside. Outside.  Pain all over.  Specific. Diffuse.  Agony.  I do not know how anyone lives with regular migraines.

Tonight, I am better, though my headache is still here.  For a while, I had hoped the easing and other symptoms meant that it was passing.  However, heat and aspirin, two suggested remedies, have not really banished this foe that has felled me so low.

So low.

The miracle mattress arrived today.  Perhaps, my high hopes for better sleep will not be misplaced.  Perhaps.

I wish I were stronger. I wish...truly...my cry was more faithful than desperate.

Lord, have mercy...even as I begged for my life to have ended last night...even as I did not think I could make it one minute past 4:30 a.m. today...even as watching the clock turn round again was no victory for hanging on when I was sure I could not.

Christ, have mercy...even as I am frightened for the support I have lost right now...even as I stand alone facing battles on so many sides and something I fear will fell me further.

Lord, have mercy...even as I head up the stairs in fear, terrified at the thought of another battle of pain or nausea or both....even as wish for a moment free from this wretched body of mine...even as I cannot imagine that You created it for good for me.

In sin, I deserve the agony. In sin, I deserve the nausea. In sin, I deserve the fear.  Yet I beg for mercy...even if that mercy is merely the grace to endure another night.


I am Yours, Lord.  Save me!

4 comments:

ftwayne96 said...

Psalm 56 For the choir director; according to Jonath elem rehokim. A Mikhtam of David, when the Philistines seized him in Gath.

1 Be gracious to me, O God, for man has trampled upon me; Fighting all day long he oppresses me.
2 My foes have trampled upon me all day long, For they are many who fight proudly against me.
3 When I am afraid, I will put my trust in Thee.
4 In God, whose word I praise, In God I have put my trust; I shall not be afraid. What can mere man do to me?
5 All day long they distort my words; All their thoughts are against me for evil.
6 They attack, they lurk, They watch my steps, As they have waited to take my life.
7 Because of wickedness, cast them forth, In anger put down the peoples, O God!
8 Thou hast taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Thy bottle; Are they not in Thy book?
9 Then my enemies will turn back in the day when I call; This I know, that God is for me.
10 In God, whose word I praise, In the LORD, whose word I praise,
11 In God I have put my trust, I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me?
12 Thy vows are binding upon me, O God; I will render thank offerings to Thee.
13 For Thou hast delivered my soul from death, Indeed my feet from stumbling, So that I may walk before God In the light of the living.

Glory be to the Father. . .

ftwayne96 said...

From NASB '77, of course!

Myrtle said...

Thank you, Dolph. Thank you!

ftwayne96 said...

You are certainly welcome, Moitle.