Nothingness...

I have done practically nothing since Thursday at 10:15 AM.  I have slept, napped, dozed before mindless television, and avoided even the smallest thought.

The doctor said I had a virus, albeit a pernicious one.  Her own husband was going on Week Four of battling this particular foe.  She advised what over-the-counter medications might best soften the effect of the symptoms best in my own battle.  More importantly, though, she also took the time to reorder my medications so that I could shift the Loestrin to the morning.  My blood sugar has been plummeting most nights and this is most concerning to me...at night...worried that it might happen when I am sleeping and helpless to help myself.

Taking it in the morning confirmed the medication was the cause of my blood sugar issue because I plummeted the first day mid morning.  At least now I know that it is not a failure of my insulin resistance mediation, but rather the side effect of another medication.  So, I merely need to remember to eat with the Loestrin and again every few hours throughout the day.  Remembering...though...is no longer my forte.

SIGH.

I failed in my hosting endeavor in that I failed to nap a single day.  I drove myself to be out and about and up and active when my body really cannot do that.  I suppose it is the combination of both the virus and the exhaustion that has made the past four days pass primarily without notice.  Amos, being the best puppy in the world, has spent most of the time curled up in my lap in the GREEN chair or beside me in bed. He has not minded all the sleeping and resting and nothingness.  It is my plan to continue to pursue this path of sleeping, napping, and dozing in front of mindless television.

However, I should add that in the past week, I learned something I would rather have not known, something too large in agony, too large in reality. I did not hear what I longed to hear.  And I cannot bear both the speaking and the silence.  I know that my Savior can bear it, but I cannot figure out a way to lay the burden down.  So, amid all the sleeping and napping and dozing, I have sought the nothingness of eschewing all thought...even here.

However, one small thing both comforts and irks me.  And I wonder if the latter should be happening.  I wonder if it is merely another sign of how much my perspective is skewed.  Here is the thing:  I now have two glass pitchers that have GREEN tops to them.

I love the color green.  I just do. I love it in nature (especially all the lovely, rich shades found in moss) and I love having it on things that I use.  The sight of that particular color--nearly every shade of it--simply brings a bit of pleasure to me.  A while ago, I replaced my decades old Brita pitcher with one of the new ones.  Of course, I chose a GREEN one.  Each time I get it out of the refrigerator to use it or to fill it again, I savor the sight of it, of owning a GREEN pitcher.

When I was picking up my prescriptions, I saw this holiday item sale of glass pitchers and was excited to see that the soft rubber stoppers were colored.  I bought a GREEN one, since I actually do not own a pitcher any more.  I turned them sideways for the photograph so that you could see the pretty ridges in the glass and the rather helpful indented place to grip the pitcher.  What you cannot see is that there is a lip for easy pouring and that they are skinny enough to go in a refrigerator door shelf.  I found the first pitcher so perfect (I very much prefer glass over plastic any day), that I rashly spent another $5 and bought a second one.  My rationale was that I need to be drinking more juice, so I now have one for orange juice (no pulp) and once for cranberry juice (no sugar added).  Just opening the refrigerator door brings such pleasure to me at the sight of these very handy pitchers that are quite pretty and are a bit of GREEN in my kitchen.  Plus, by putting the cranberry one in the center, the light shines through it casting a lovely glow whenever I open the door.

When my blood sugar plummets, it is far better to use juice than soda.  So, now I can get to some rather easily.  Following the juice with nuts and cheese helps ensure the plummet is not repeated.  But, also, when I am shaking and sweating and scared, I find a small smile creeping across my face because that is what the sight of GREEN things do for me.

But they are just things.  Should not their color matter so much????


I am Yours, Lord.  Save me!