Overheard...

After thinking about yesterday, I was thinking about the other two times that I overheard folk speaking about me.  All three were very ... well ... not the things you want to hear.

The first was back in high school.  I was in the gym locker room, changing clothes.  In our locker room were rows and rows of lockers and benches that were more of a stall than what I see on television today.  Far more privacy was afforded the student, save for the fact that none of the walls of the stalls went up to the ceiling.

In high school, back in the dark ages, there was a group for Christians called Young Life.  Being the dewy-eyed, new-to-the-church sort of girl, I was rather excited that there were places I could learn about faith, about the Bible.  Now, looking back, I wish I were involved with Higher Things, only I am not even sure the person who eventually created Higher Things was old enough to be thinking about creating organizations.  Maybe so.  But I had never heard of Lutherans then either.

Being that dewy-eyed person, I actually wrote a research paper comparing the spread of Young Life Campaign to the spread of the early church.  Yes, in public school.  Yes, I got an A+.  Yes, I cringe whenever I come across that research paper in my files in the basement.

Anyway, if you noticed the name change, Young Life actually started out as Young Life Campaign, before ultimately splitting up into Young Life and Campaigners.  The former was for harvesting the fields and the latter was for equipping the saints.  So, think summer camp and seminar.

I was introduced to Young Life at the end of 9th grade (which was actually at the junior high school), by outgoing seniors.  It was wild and crazy and zany and freaky and had Jesus.  I really did not like all the other parts, but I did like hearing about Jesus. After all, Jesus was still new to me, having met Him at 11, but not having started attending church (since my family did not), until I was 15.

Campaigners was the bible study that the "serious" Christians attended.  With "evangelism" all packed up and tied with a bow in Young Life, Campaigners was a chance to delve into the Bible.  I loved it.  And I cannot tell you a thing I learned.

Well, I learned that it was for the popular people, one of which I was decidedly not.  Each week, I would try to hitch rides to Campaigners between Monday and Friday.  Always I received vague answers about whether or not those with cars were going.  So, each Friday, I would walk the 2 miles or so to the Bible Study ... even when it was already dark.  Each week, I would get chastised about not being safe by one of the leaders, who would then ask for volunteers to take me home.  The very people who could not be bothered to bring me fell all over themselves to offer rides and state loudly I could have ridden with them there.  SIGH.

Still, even with the obstacles, I went.  I read the Bible. I did the homework. I reveled in the chance to study.

I went to Young Life because I was supposed to go.  I was really, really, really uncomfortable with all the social interaction and the zaniness.  I wish I had known then what an introvert was.

At our school, Young Life went on a skiing trip each year.  We had a fundraiser that was seeing how many laps you could run around the track in an hour, getting sponsors for each lap.  [Have I ever mentioned that I hate running?]  I ran six miles in an hour and raised enough money for the skiing trip.

When I was changing my clothes, I over heard a Did-you-hear? conversation.  It was about me. About me going on the Young Life ski trip.  The girls were talking about how I was going to ruin the trip with all my Bible questions and with them having to make nice to me 24/7 in front of the leaders.  They were discussing backing out.  I knew that I was not popular.  I didn't realize just how much so.

I skipped gym class.
I forged a note about a dentist appointment.
I left school.

Yes, for all the ways in which I was highly ethical and well-behaved, I spent much of high school forging notes to escape.  I had enough credits from transferring from my former city, having taken advanced courses in junior high, to graduate a year early, but I was not allowed to do so.  My senior year was primarily fluff classes to fill a schedule.  But that is another story.

I sinned even further by lying to my grandmother, in the times before I got a license and a car, to get her to pick me up.  She never suspected that my school allowed study hall students to do their work at home if their hour was at the end of the day.  When she dropped me off at the dentist's office, for when I left school too early for the study hall excuse, I would just wait until she drove off and then walk home.  Need I mention that I have only had one cavity in my life and that was in my twenties?

I was the good child.
I was the perfect student.
No one suspected.

Having never skied before, I went despite what I overheard.  It was a disaster.  Another long and painful story.  Parts of it funny ... I guess ... since I never learned to stop so when I started going too fast on my skis and got scared, I would just sit down and eventually tumble to a stop.  After which, I would collect my poles and skis, put them on again, and ski until I was scared once more.

The other two years of high school, I raised the money for someone else to go on the ski trip, handing it over to the Young Life leaders, not caring no one knew, not caring who went.  I honestly cannot tell you why I did, especially since I hate running, i.e., utterly loath it.

The second time I overheard what folk actually thought of me was when I was working on my doctorate.  I was in the bathroom at church, taking care of business, when some other singles walked in to freshen up their make-up before Sunday School.  A newcomer asked who I was.  The answer:  The Jesus freak/ Bible freak, spoken at the same time.  Then she got chapter and verse on how all I wanted to do was talk about the Bible and ask questions.  They were okay with that in Sunday School, because it meant they could just sit back and let me keep the teacher engaged.  But at Bible Study it was another story.  I kept everyone from fellowship time since I actually read ahead and filled in the answers in our booklets.  Apparently, when I was absent, since no one else had answers at the ready, they would just sit around and about their lives, they would fellowship with each other.

When I was a teenager, I was engrossed in learning all that I was supposed to do in order to grow my faith, to be a better Christian, to be right with God.  A decade later, I was well aware that all my efforts had failed to get me right with God so that I wouldn't struggle with my sins.  I was desperate.  So, I continued to go to that church, hoping to discover how I could be a better Christian.  But I made sure that I never answered more than two questions in Sunday School, no matter how much the leader stared at me, and I stopped coming prepared to Bible Study and then stopped going altogether.

Psalm 18—which I have written before, much to my surprise, is a psalm I've heard people do not care for—is one that has the promises I long to hear, to dare to believe are really for me:

God rescues me.
He rescues me because He delights in me.

He fights great battles to rescue me.

He rewards me because of my righteousness.

He rewards me because of my cleanness.

He lights my lamp.

He illumines my darkness.

He arms me.

He shields me.

He sets me on high places.

He makes my footing sure.

He delivers me from my enemies.

He is my salvation.

He rescues me from the violent man.

God rescues me.

The things I have overheard about who I am make believing these promises given to me in Christ by the Holy Spirit are really for me, for Myrtle.  Each time I make strides in setting aside the voices either in my head or in my ears, I am deafened to the sweet, sweet Gospel by them once more.  A life time of being a disappointment, of not fitting in,  of being labeled by/bound by both my sins and the sins of those committed against me, of being a bother, of not being good enough, of being too much.  That life belies the promises I read.

How?  
How could they possibly be?  
How could God ever delight in me?


"I love Thee, O LORD, my strength."
The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge;
My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised,
And I am saved from my enemies.

The cords of death encompassed me,
And the torrents of ungodliness terrified me.
The cords of Sheol surrounded me;
The snares of death confronted me.

In my distress I called upon the LORD,
And cried to my God for help;
He heard my voice out of His temple,
And my cry for help before Him came into His ears.
Then the earth shook and quaked;
And the foundations of the mountains were trembling
And were shaken, because He was angry.
Smoke went up out of His nostrils,
And fire from His mouth devoured;
Coals were kindled by it.
He bowed the heavens also, and came down
With thick darkness under His feet.
He rode upon a cherub and flew;
And He sped upon the wings of the wind.
He made darkness His hiding place, His canopy around Him,
Darkness of waters, thick clouds of the skies.
From the brightness before Him passed His thick clouds,
Hailstones and coals of fire.

The LORD also thundered in the heavens,
And the Most High uttered His voice,
Hailstones and coals of fire.
He sent out His arrows, and scattered them,
And lightning flashes in abundance, and routed them.
Then the channels of water appeared,
And the foundations of the world were laid bare
At Thy rebuke, O LORD,
At the blast of the breath of Thy nostrils.

He sent from on high, He took me;
He drew me out of many waters.
He delivered me from my strong enemy,
And from those who hated me, for they were too mighty for me.
They confronted me in the day of my calamity,
But the LORD was my stay.
He brought me forth also into a broad place;
He rescued me, because He delighted in me.

The LORD has rewarded me according to my righteousness;
According to the cleanness of my hands He has recompensed me.
For I have kept the ways of the LORD,
And have not wickedly departed from my God.
For all His ordinances were before me,
And I did not put away His statutes from me.
I was also blameless with Him,
And I kept myself from my iniquity.
Therefore the LORD has recompensed me according to my righteousness,
According to the cleanness of my hands in His eyes.

With the kind Thou dost show Thyself kind;
With the blameless Thou dost show Thyself blameless;
With the pure Thou dost show Thyself pure,
And with the crooked Thou dost show Thyself astute.
For Thou dost save an afflicted people,
But haughty eyes Thou dost abase.
For Thou dost light my lamp;
The LORD my God illumines my darkness.
For by Thee I can run upon a troop;
And by my God I can leap over a wall.
As for God, His way is blameless;
The word of the LORD is tried;
He is a shield to all who take refuge in Him.

For who is God, but the LORD?
And who is a rock, except our God,
The God who girds me with strength
And makes my way blameless?
He makes my feet like hinds' feet,
And sets me upon my high places.
He trains my hands for battle,
So that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
Thou hast also given me the shield of Thy salvation,
And Thy right hand upholds me;
And Thy gentleness makes me great.
Thou dost enlarge my steps under me,
And my feet have not slipped.
I pursued my enemies and overtook them,
And I did not turn back until they were consumed.
I shattered them, so that they were not able to rise;
They fell under my feet.
For Thou hast girded me with strength for battle;
Thou hast subdued under me those who rose up against me.
Thou hast also made my enemies turn their backs to me,
And I destroyed those who hated me.
They cried for help, but there was none to save,
Even to the LORD, but He did not answer them.
Then I beat them fine as the dust before the wind;
I emptied them out as the mire of the streets.

Thou hast delivered me from the contentions of the people;
Thou hast placed me as head of the nations;
A people whom I have not known serve me.
As soon as they hear, they obey me;
Foreigners submit to me.
Foreigners fade away,
And come trembling out of their fortresses.

The LORD lives, and blessed be my rock;
And exalted be the God of my salvation,
The God who executes vengeance for me,
And subdues peoples under me.
He delivers me from my enemies;
Surely Thou dost lift me above those who rise up against me;
Thou dost rescue me from the violent man.

Therefore I will give thanks to Thee among the nations, O LORD,
And I will sing praises to Thy name.
He gives great deliverance to His king,
And shows lovingkindness to His anointed,
To David and his descendants forever. ~Psalm 18 (NASB 1977)


SIGH.  How could anyone not just LOVE Psalm 18?

Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief!