Fort Wayne folk are just plain nutters about fireworks. Amos and I have been dealing with them for a week now and it is not even yet the 4th. Living with PTSD is rather difficult if you happen to reside in this city. SIGH.
Tonight, my neighbors across the street spent over an hour setting them off. Amos was inconsolable and trembled so hard that I wept. It is hard to comfort your puppy dog when you are in want of comfort yourself. Amos finally stuffed himself behind my back (we're sitting on the couch) where I could smother him. Despite my considerable weight, my little Fluffernutter is making me shake as he quakes in fear.
Am I a female curmudgeon? A termagant? For I would gladly vote to outlaw all personal displays of fireworks in the city. Heck, I think I would vote for the cessation of all fireworks displays. SIGH.
I can talk to myself, speak reasonable thoughts aloud as my body shudders with terrible memories. But I cannot speak reasonable thoughts to Amos. He has gotten stronger in so very many ways, but his startle response is worse now than just after the pit bull attack. And his list of fears grows ever longer.
Breaks my heart that even my own touch startles Amos. Of course, I really am the hypocrit, aren't I. After all, I am not welcoming of most touch either. Just like Amos, I want to be the one who chooses contact ... not have that choice made for me.
The vet, who has clinically diagnosed Amos with PTSD, talks with me about putting him on benzodiazepines. I don't like the idea of putting him on that class of drugs for the rest of his life, nor the idea of risking him going through withdrawal. However, sometimes I wonder if he would not be happier all drugged up ... enforced mellowness. The vet has not pushed the issue, because she says it is patently clear to her that Amos is happy with me, that I am, literally, his safe place. I don't argue with her on that.
But, right now, being physically agitated by my terrified puppy dog, I wonder just how safe I am for him. And I wonder if he could have a better life than he does.
Oh, how I adore and am blessed by my little Fluffernutter!
1 comment:
I don't think it is hypocrisy. I think it is self-sacrificial. Now, I'd like to be clear that I don't mean "sacrificing yourself," which I think you should avoid for your health and wellbeing, but sacrificing some of your desires isn't the same thing. That can be one of the hardest yet healthiest things we manage.
I think the line would be, don't break for another person, but entering into pain with other people may be one of the basic social things we can do.
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