I have been trying and trying and trying to write, but I cannot put the words together. For example, I have this thought I wanted to explore about the use of repetition in The Chronicles of Elantra. But everything I try to write ends up not saying much about the repetition. I think that what Michelle Sagara does is unusual and effective, but darned if I cannot write about it.
Something else on my mind has been equally elusive with regards to trying to record it here in my online rememberer. SIGH. But, then again, maybe that is part of the point of what I want to write about: I am not a warrior.
I like this, a bit. The part about gravity makes me chuckle and chuckle in a way that is totally insider humor. But mostly I do not like this. I am not a warrior. I am just me, frail and weary folk.
I get that the great battle in my life with with my body and that I am fighting that battle whether I want to or not. But I am not a warrior.
In trying to write even this, I had to stop to lie on the floor to deal with my plummeting blood pressure—and all that wretchedness that brings—because some darned chunk of stool was pressing on my vagus nerve. And, because it's taken me hours and hours to try and write even this, I had to stop again to lie on the floor after vomiting and shaking trying to endure a bowel movement, fairly certain that what I felt moving earlier was not what passed. It was too high up. I am not a warrior.
All the memes and posts about being a warrior neither encourage or bolster me; they just make me feel more like crap. I am not an inspiration to show others how to fight. I am only someone who is weak and weary, trying to get through the day. All that warrior stuff leaves me feeling like I am not doing enough ... not hopeful enough, not strong enough, not enough of an advocate, not determined enough .... the list goes on and on and on ... the pressure is immense. I am not a warrior.
Maybe what I am trying to say is that, eons ago, when I was learning to be a teacher, I learned that there were multiple types of learners, so that one mode of teaching would not be effective for all. So, I wonder, why is it that all the ... encouraging ... stuff out there in the dsyautonomia and chronic illness worlds is one mode? That of being a warrior.
I am not a warrior.
And I want that to be okay.
1 comment:
Myrtle, you don't need to self-describe or call yourself a warrior. You don't have to seek comfort in war as though there is strength inherent to onslaught.
I do think there is a commonality between warrior and soldier. I don't know why warrior seems to hold more connotation than the other.
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