Feeling and fact...

I do not feel as if Fort Wayne is a violent city, nor mine an unsafe neighborhood.  However, in less than a calendar year, there was a homicide down the block from me on my street, another homicide on my street a few blocks down in the opposite direction, and another suspicious death the other day two blocks over, where the body was burned in an alley, presumably to hide evidence.

After the second homicide on my street, the motion sensor on the light on the side of my house above the door to the basement outside entrance broke.  I decided not to replace the fixture, only a few years old, because I would rather the light stay on all night.  My neighbor was so terribly angry with me over the light.  I swapped out the 100 watt bulb for a 40 watt bulb, but I did not change my mind about having the light on all night the way I have lights on at the front and back porches throughout the dark hours.  Besides, I think, she sleeps upstairs, not down and the light does not even hit her window.  SIGH.

My neighbor is rather mercurial.  I used to blame myself for her foul temper, but I understand, now, that it is how she is.  She didn't speak to me for about seven months over the light.  After a while, I struggled with feeling hurt over it.  But, like her current anger that my haircut (my cutting her hair) has resulted in such fanfare from fiends and colleagues, I cannot really do anything about it.

However, because she brought up the light again today, when I was out harvesting lettuce and cucumbers, I struggled anew with guilt.  Or what I tend to think of as guilt, but really is shame:  Not I did bad, but I am bad.  I am a bad neighbor.  Even with what I have learned, even with true thoughts, right thoughts, in my head, I still struggle.  SIGH.

And yet, when I read this evening about the burned body just two blocks away from me, my very first thought was that I am so very grateful the light motion sensor broke and for my decision to keep it on all night long instead replacing it.  If I am honest with myself, the decision had very little to do with money and very much to do with wanting to feel safe.

Six months later, I also remain so very thankful for the decision to get the alarm system ... and for Firewood Man's help installing it.  I admit that when the $19.95 charge comes along each month, I gulp a bit, and question whether or not I really and truly need it.  It makes me feel safe.  Hearing about a third dead body mere blocks from my home, safe is a feeling I welcome.  But it makes me feel safe not about nefarious killers, but about someone coming into my home ... about looking up from packing a box and seeing who I saw before I fled Alexandria.

I would never have thought I would like the LCD screen on the alarm, but I do.  I like scrolling through the history, especially the history of the motion detectors.  I like knowing I have been safe.  I like seeing that I have been safe.

I do not feel as if Fort Wayne is a violent city, nor mine an unsafe neighborhood.  However, in 2014, there were 12 homicides and in 2015 there were 25.  Thus far, in 2016, through the month of May, there were 13, three more than there were in the first five months of 2015.  In the recent mayoral race, the incumbent mayor, who won, campaigned on crime being down in Fort Wayne.  Yes, some crime is, the one that stands out to me is rape.  However, homicides have sky-rocketed.  Violence has crept into this smaller city in a big way.

I do not like bearing the brunt of my neighbor's anger, but I am thankful for a light outside all my doors, not just the front and back, ensuring there are no dark and hidden ways to access my home.  And I am thankful for LiveWatch and its efforts to provide economical alarm systems so that all income levels can feel safe.  For despite how I feel about Fort Wayne, the facts prove otherwise.