Thinking...

I am ... very worried about meeting the gastroenterologist tomorrow.  For one, she is the only female one in all of Fort Wayne, so this is my only shot at working with a female doctor.  For another, I have no clue if she even knows what dysautonomia is.  If  specialist does not, well, then, medical life is pretty tough.

The other worry for me is that now four different medical personnel have told me to expect the gastro doc to first ask for an endoscopy, which means anesthesia, which is something that I do not process well.  It takes a very long time for me to wake, even with fast acting drugs.  And when I do regain consciousness, I am not all there.  It is a very, very, very slow process.  It frightens me.  And I very much struggle with not being in a position to ... to ... well ... protect myself.

I have been dreading this appointment before I even had it.

Plus, well, having an endoscopy is anesthesia and having the surgery to break the Shotzki's Ring is anesthesia.  I don't want to go through it twice.  Alone.

The other day, I did some freezer organizing to help assuage some upsettedness.  Whilst doing so, I found the pork cutlets that I bought after watching a cooking show about tacos al pastor.  I haven't used them yet because I haven't tracked down the ingredients that I need for the recipe.  Since I bought the cutlets eons ago, I took one of the two packets I made from the larger package I bought out to thaw.  After thinking about it a while, I decided to use that most awesome chili lime marinade and rub recipe for chicken, thinking it might make for some tasty pork that I could put into a taco.

This rub recipe truly is versatile!

My friend Mary had been giving me ideas on how to use the cumbers I've been growing.  She suggested cucumber salad, so I thought about making a creamy cucumber salad/sauce to go on my chili lime pork tacos.  After some searching, I found a recipe to adapt and made it, using cucumber, garlic, and dill from my raised bed.

Again, with Mary's help, I cooked the pork cutlets on my cast iron griddle.  I was really nervous, not knowing what to do.  She advised two minutes per side, which is what I did.  The pork was just as tender and moist as was the chicken using this recipe.  Really ... very tasty.

The tacos were just what I was wanting, something tasty and light and fresh!

For a while now, I have been cooking my tortillas on the cast iron griddle.  It is hard to put into words, but I think the tortillas taste more authentic when cooked on the cast iron griddle than on my non-stick griddle.  Well, maybe it is not authentic per se, so much as it is that they taste like Texas.  They are still soft and fluffy, but the caste iron makes them ever so slightly ... crispy.  Not crispy hard, but a firm surface even as they fold well.

My friend Emily had a late night Facebook conversation with me to help me figure out about cooking meat on cast iron.  I should have had it before I cooked the cutlets, but at least I learned some for the next time.  For one, the pan was too hot for the oil and I filled the first floor with smoke!  For another, I totally forgot about using salt to clean when you have some wicked stuck-on bits.  Emily said that what I was seeing was char, like a grill, and that helped me to reframe what I was thinking about how to approach cooking on cast iron.  I look forward to doing so again.  Especially if I can track down the ingredients I need for the tacos al pastor.

Tonight, I talked with Becky about the thoughts I have been having.
Conflicting thoughts, really.

Even though the constantly barking dog problem has been solved, I still deeply desire a privacy fence.  I crave it.  I'd like to say that I need it.  I do not yet have the words to speak what is in my head (and heart) about that, but I think about the privacy fence a lot.

The other thoughts I have been having are about how .... bolstering ... it has been for me to harvest things from my raised bed.  The herbs were one thing, but all that lettuce and the cucumbers and (eventually) the carrots ... well, I really like the idea of creating food for my table, growing it ... contributing in some fashion.  So, I have been thinking about having Firewood Man build me another raised bed (or three).   There is space in three different places along the fence in the back of my yard. I would like to grow lettuce, cucumbers, and carrots again (just less crowded).  I would like to add a few more herbs.  And I would like to grow summer squash, which is my favorite vegetable, and maybe some eggplant.  I was thinking ... put the salad stuff in the bed near my house, with a cucumber plant at the back of both corners so that they can grow on the fence again.  Then the herbs all in one bed.  Then the new stuff in the other two beds, if my plan works (one along the side fence  behind the ornamental magnolia and two meeting at the back corner of the fence).

The point is, I would like to expand what I can ... contribute to my life, as long as I can work out a ... plan ... that will not end up with my working beyond my capability.  Or maybe another way to put it is that I would like to add to my pile good things in my life, lest the bad things overwhelm me.  And growing things for my table is defining a good thing.