Words, wounds, and clouds...

A few days ago, I tried to engage with a family member of a friend online.  I know that she and I come from different world views, but I also know that we have lots in common.  Concerned about some false teaching she had about the bible, I tried to talk with her about it.  I ended up getting attacked, but attacked in a way that has really felled me.

Words can create such deep, deep wounds.
I was flayed with my most secret fears.

I am not angry at the person.  That's one thing that came up in counseling.  I don't get angry.  It strikes such fear in the little girl in me, the little girl who came forth several years ago and has yet to find safety.  Anger, in our family, often meant drunken violence.  And if not drunken violence then it meant being flayed with words.  Ugly words.  Stabbed with fears and insecurities, twisted within you, and then pulled out and used to scrape off all your skin.

I fear that if I get angry, I will never stop.
I fear that if I get angry, I will wound others the way that I have been.

The thing that I have not yet learned is how to live with the deep wounds of words, of your fears being used to flay you.  SIGH.

I have also been battling more nausea than ... usual.  [What an odd thing to write.  Usual nausea.]  For several weeks, I have had nausea in the early evening, in addition to the violent waves of nausea that toss me about usually starting around 4:00 AM.  I have been trying to gut my way through it, though from time to time I break down and take more Zofran.

Today, I had nausea round the clock.
Nausea.  A dose of Zofran.
More Nausea.  A dose of Zofran.
More Nausea.  A dose of Zofran.
SIGH.

Zofran does work.  Sometimes it takes a while, but it does work.  The nausea subsides.  Up until a few weeks ago, that was it.  Once I got through the nausea each morning, I was good for the rest of the day.  The past few weeks ... nearly a month now ... that hasn't been the case.  Twice a day STINKS.  I've now had three days where it was all day.  Not three in a row, mind you, but three.

I did notice yesterday and today that the gastroparesis has been particularly bad.  My stomach has not been emptying all that quickly.  It made me realize that it has not been a real problem for a while now.  Cycles.  All this crap often goes in cycles.  Or,  more specifically, flares.

I suppose I need to be a bit better at ticking off those silver linings.  All I can think of the moment (and I hope I'm not jinxing myself) is that for months, I couldn't get through the night without having at least one blood sugar crash, if not two or three.  Something like July through October-ish.  Since then, I have had but one or two crashes and no more.  None since Christmas, for certain.  That is a big, fat silver lining.

I cannot think of any others, though.
Just more storm clouds.
Especially the fierce, black ones of Sjogren's.
SIGH.