Thursday, July 05, 2018

No change...

I had such disappointing news today.  I posted about on Facebook and was surprised that no one responded with consolation.  After all, despite two months of treatment, there has been absolutely no improvement in my lung function.  My function has held steady, which is something, but no improvement.  My ability to draw a breath remains at only 50% of what it should be.

I hadn't known the percentage of my dysfunction until today.  I am not sure why not or why she chose to tell me.  I am not sure why I didn't ask more questions the other times I have seen my pulmonologist.  Perhaps it is because this is just so very overwhelming.  After all, breathing is such a primal need.

All those "thumbs up" responses.
Not a single sad face.
No consolation.

It doesn't matter that my therapist tells me that most folk don't know what to say to those who are ill and/or suffering.  I still feels so absolutely and utterly alone.

It seemed to be a cosmic sucker punch when my tire low pressure warning system came on whilst I was driving out to the hospital.  I had my oil changed, a service inspection completed, and my tires rotated just yesterday.  There I sat, back in Goodyear, wanting to cry and to cut and to hold my beloved Fluffernutter.  Instead, I was waiting for a mistake to be corrected.

Instead of losing it, I very quietly asked to speak to the manager and requested that the serviceman who worked on my car have a bit of re-training.  Not checking the tire pressure after rotating the tires is a pretty basic fail.  I adore the men who work at that Goodyear and am grateful for all that they have done for me over the years.  I was annoyed at having to both drive all the way out to the shop again and sit again in one of their hard plastic chairs.

Besides, it is hard to be devastated in public.  I just wanted to go home.

I have been rather ill with the new medication.  I have been sitting here for a few hours tonight, wondering why I am trying to so hard to find a medication to help my hands.  It seems as if I am the only one that wants the shocks to cease.  SIGH.

What a crap day.
No change.

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