This day...

Oh, my goodness!

I've had four two-hour naps today and am struggling to stay awake at the moment.  I've got 41 minutes until my last meds of the day and I am trying to hang on for that.

It is as if I have taken too much baclofen or something, but I haven't.  Something is off.  Or not.  Well, I do feel more drugged than exhausted.  Only I don't feel dizzy-drugged.  Just drugged.  So sleepy that I just cannot stay awake.

It is a good thing that Amos likes naps!

A part of me wonders if it is because of this day.
This day that is so very hard for me.
And terribly lonely.

Seven years ago was the most violent experience I have ever had.  It tore away pieces of Amos and I that both of us have never gotten back.  I doubt we ever will.

I have flashes of the pit bull attack that bring up such horror that I dare not touch them.  It was such a ferocious battle between he and I over Amos.  Being dragged to the ground again and again and again, knowing that each time I got up brought me closer and closer to the last time I would be getting up.

Violent is not really a sufficient word to describe what happened.  Neither is brutal.  They are too hollow, too empty of what I experienced then and oft experience now.

Life has never been the same.
It won't be the same.
And I feel so alone with this.