Yesterday I had a great evening. I sat in Starbucks (no…I have not yet succumbed to the coffee craze…I had the strawberries and cream drink) for a couple of hours with two really smart people. Talking. Thinking. Learning.

One was a woman from India who is here in the States studying engineering and other sorts of stuff I do not understand. What I did understand is that she is burdened by the poverty in her country and desires to do something, anything to help.

Her vision? Water. She has a vision of building a house on a piece of land she owns to provide a home for her mother and older sister. There she plans to begin working on providing better water source to a nearby village, where she and her family could also do volunteer work.

It matters not that as a woman trying to do business in a corrupt place her life may very well be forfeit. It matters not to her because she would not count her life worth living if she merely chose to life a life of relatively luxury here in the states while her countrymen were suffering. A noble vision she has.

Though, as a Hindu, she believes that she has another life to move on to if she dies. But does that make her decision any less noble?

I admire her vision and drive and intellect. I admire her willingness to do something, anything, in the face of such opposition. Yet I am saddened because I do not believe in reincarnation. I would hate to see her life spilt out at the hands of those who would be against her simply for her gender or because they were threatened by her unwillingness to either give or receive bribes or to take advantage of her countrymen in supplying water. Not when she has no relationship with Christ. Not when her future is of eternal death…as I see it.

Yet fighting that emotion, I still reveled in time spent truly discussing the largeness of life…. It most certainly was an enjoyable evening.

After she left, I went to my friend’s place for a bit more conversation and such. So there I was, just after midnight, sated with fellowship and a pleasurable evening. My friend walked me back to my car. But just as I stepped between my car and another I felt my right leg give way.

With MS, from time to time I simply lose the ability to use my legs. Most often it is when I try to get out of bed… and boom…they suddenly are not functioning. At those times, I usually sleep it off. I know that in a while, the function will be regained. So rather than railing against the situation, I try to just sleep until they are working again. But this time, for the first time, I was out and about…and trapped.

I had a shooting tingling pain in my lower back down to my right thigh. Every time I tried to bear weight, the pain sharpened and it felt as if my leg were simple gone. I could move it, but not bear weight. I stood there, trying to decide what to do and battling my anger over feeling as if the evening were spoiled. My friend had never experienced this with me. I felt stupid and helpless and angry and frightened.

With his help, I managed to get into the car and drove home with my left leg. Driving wasn’t difficult, but I risked whiplash with my breaking.

Once home, I wanted to just stay in the car until I could use my right leg again. But my friend insisted in getting me inside…even though I outweigh him considerably and doing so was a true labor of sacrifice. Shuffle my right leg forward…step with my left…lean on him…shuffle forward….step…try to suddenly become lighter…dread the steps…I was, understandably glad to collapse in my green chair (the favored leather wing back reclining chair with ball and claw feet).

My friend helped me get a little more comfortable in my clothes and brought me some water to set on the table next to me. He let Kashi outside, gave Fancy and Madison food and water and then covered their cage, set the alarm, and left.

Three hours later my leg was still not cooperating, I had to go to the bathroom in the worst way, and I realized that I had forgotten to ask my friend to put the phone within my reach. I had no way to call anyone for help.

I lay there for another three hours, trying to ignore the pain of my bladder and battling frustration. I was exhausted but unable to sleep. I felt trapped and alone. All I could do was think…and think….and think. What if this had happened at work? What would I have done then? Should I be thankful that I was at least with someone I knew?

I believe that God is sovereign, that there is a purpose to everything in this life... in my life as well. Therefore, for reasons I may not ever understand, there is a purpose to living with multiple sclerosis (and asthma and arthritis for that matter). Because I believe this, I don’t think that my anger is directed at God. For where would I be without my relationship with Christ? Where would I be without salvation, without unconditional love, without peace?

But can I truly be angry only at the disease?

All I want is a few times where everything is not so difficult. No asthma attacks. No bee stings. No car wrecks. No unemployment. No broken sewage pipes. No pain and stiffness. Remembering my name, how to spell, my age. Time spent with others where none of that infringes on the moment.

Is it wrong to want that?

Paul said he was content in all circumstances. Certainly he faced pain and suffering, trials and frustrations… prison…conflicts within the church…journey after journey where he faced opposition and battled disbelief even among his fellow Christians. Yet he was content in all circumstances.

I would have welcomed a measure of contentment last night.

Early this morning I was able to get around again. After relieving myself and letting Kashi outside again, I climbed the stairs to collapse in bed to finally rest for a while.