365 days ago I started my new job.

After waiting nearly six years, I finally found a job outside education where my degree is seen as an asset, my skills in literacy and organization are valued, and I have a voice.

I found a job where it is an honor to work because of the population we serve. I found a job where I have a boss with whom I am honored to work.

365 days ago I started my new job.

It has been an extraordinary year for me. I have been challenged as a writer and given the opportunity to learn from someone I truly admire as a professional. I have experienced life in a non-profit and been introduced to the housing industry.

Being challenged as a writer was clearly the bonus. For a while, I was writing from bullet points on topics I didn’t quite understand. I was pushed to clearly communicate a vision and a mission in an industry that was foreign to me. I reveled in the challenge and was eager to learn the language of affordable housing.

Then, it dawned on me one day that the editing that my boss was doing was another area in which I could learn as a writer. I have worked with other writers and am fairly adept at editing their work. Half of me, as a writer, enjoys editing as much as composing. After all, someone else gets to do the hard part while I am left with the polishing. But editing is not just spit-and-shine. Good editing is teaching about the craft.

That is what my boss does.

However, in honest reflection, I have come to depend on her editing skills in the face of the sheer volume of work yet to be done. I have thus moved out of the “expert” role as communications manager and moved into the dependent student. That I do not like. In part because I want to do my best at work and I know that I am both qualified and capable of much more than I am currently doing. And… in part because I know she has far too much on her plate.

But this year has also been a great strain. I have been yelled at on more than one occasion. I have been pressured to change my political beliefs, part in jest and part in earnest, all while communicating that these people hold no respect for my beliefs when I, in turn, have never belittled or mocked theirs. I have been threatened with my job and then had the episode ignored as if it never happened by the person who did. My integrity and motives have been questioned and disparaged. I have been ignored and marginalized by members of senior management when the work I am doing is not about putting myself forward but about putting the company forward. But that does not seem to matter…

One of the people I admire most at work for the shear commitment this person has had to the company likens our work as an abusive relationship. When it is good, it is good. When it is bad, it is very bad. Time and time and time again, people let things go, work at the last minute, and disregard the cost to the company and to those around them. People in senior management say one thing and do another. Problems fester. People work on their homework or other jobs or even games during the work day. They disrespect company policies and lie about their timesheets. And all the talk of being a team player I’ve come to believe is just a euphemism for letting yourself be taken advantage of by others, for pouring yourself out with no respite or refreshment, for abandoning standards and settling for mediocrity.

We cannot all be as organized as you…An excuse for poor planning…and a slam against mine?

I have worked and worked to try and win over those who have rejected the efforts I’m trying to make on behalf of the company just because I am the one making them. I have bribed with food and favors. I have listened to rants and raves and kept silent when I would have rather spoken. I have set aside my true self in trying to be someone who is more pleasing in order to persuade them to participate in working toward better communications in our company. I beg, plead, and cajole to get my job done. Does this make me a good manager? Is this success?

Is this the way it would be everywhere?

Believe me, the world of higher education had its pitfalls, as much as I miss teaching I do not miss ineffectual, political faculty meetings, being given too many advisees to do them any true good, and watching other researchers falsify or manipulate findings to achieve their purposes. And jealousy and catfights certainly were not foreign territory. But all in all, it just didn’t seem so ethically void and egocentric as this world of business seems to be.

I wonder, when all is said and done, if working at this job is a good thing. I wonder if I am better off working there. I wonder if the company is better off. I wonder if my boss is better off…for while I certainly have accomplished loads and loads, I have leaned upon her enormously and rather selfishly to survive the harsh words and frustrations…but what have I given her?

I am angry too often. I weep too often. I have forgotten to pray too often. I am so stressed that my face looks like I am back in high school and I often miss my periods. I am tired beyond belief and worry what toll this job is taking given the MS. I often find myself dreaming about work and not being able to solve problems or accomplish anything. I have snapped at my boss a few times when all I want to do is be a help to her. And I am a walking, bumbling idiot with the new president when he is handing me a cake on a silver platter... because somewhere along the way this past year I have lost my voice, I have lost my confidence, I have lost me.

Selah.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

~Philippians 4:4-9, NASB

Selah.

May I learn to rejoice more from 9:00 to 6:00. May I learn to be a gentle spirit to those around me. May I lay my anxiousness and requests before the Author and Perfector of my Faith, Jesus Christ, so that I may bring His peace to work with me. May I remember Truth. May I seek excellence. May I know loveliness. May I be a better witness for you at work.

Help me to set aside my self. Help me to relinquish my hurts and my frustrations. Help me to be a better manager, a better employee, a better example. Help me to humbly face the tasks before me…for I have much to learn.

Thank you, Lord, for this time to learn. Thank you, Lord, for the example of my boss. Thank you, Lord, for the gentle admonishment and constant encouragement of my friend. Thank you, Lord, for your Word that comforts and guides and sharpens me.

365 days ago I started my new job.

What will the next 365 days bring?