Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Cousin D thinks I should take up professional wrestling...that's about the only profession where my frequent grunting would be part and parcel to the job.

Sometimes the arthritis pain is so overwhelming that I cannot do anything else but endure it. My temper grows short, the grunts grow near constant, and my grows

Pain if strange, if you think about it. There is sharp pain, dull pain, aching pain, throbbing pain, pressure pain, burning pain, tingling pain, tight pain, nauseating pain, bone pain, muscle pain, joint pain, nerve pain, and probably more that I have yet to experience.

Embrace the pain. Ignore the pain. Fight the pain. Endure the pain.

What makes one day good and another bad? What makes pain come and go? Signals from the brain? Changes in barometric pressure? Stress? Exhaustion? Diet? Too much rest? Activity? Inactivity? All of the above? None of the above?

I want to step up to the next dosage level on my Celebrex prescription, but it is the controversial one, 400 mg twice a day. The only real working thing in my body seems to be my heart, so I say take the risk. For several months now, I have had more bad days than good when it comes to my battle with arthritis. Of late, I have spent more time lying beaten on the field than yelling victory insults at my enemy.

I cannot sit on the floor for any length of time without excruciating pain building up in my lower back. I cannot stand without stiffening up until the pain is unbearable. I cannot bend over without the same.

I could barely contain the pain while playing Chicken Foot Domino's (a most wonderful game) at my birthday party. I nearly chewed off D's head last week when working with her on an assignment for her master's program. Sunday, I was considering having roast cockatiel for dinner. Last night, I practically threw my beloved Kashi off the bed when he wouldn't stay still. Getting up from a chair or out of the bed is enough for me to scream in agony. While I suppose I could let go a bellow at home, I cannot do the same at work. All I can do is grunt.

Now, I am most thankful that the pain in my legs I battled a few months ago is currently gone. I am thankful that the pain in my head that lingered for weeks is currently gone. I am thankful that the pain in my wrists and ankles is muchly abated in comparison to that which riddles my lower, lowest back. It could always be worse.

However, having arthritis is crappy. Pain stinks. Grunting is neither professional, nor attractive, nor graceful. I guess if all I can do is endure it, then I should be thankful that I can, at least, do that. Just don't expect me to be gracious while doing so.

Sadly, I am not rising to the occasion in this matter. I am not considering it all joy. I am not joining in the fellowship of suffering. Perhaps, with time and much prayer, I might grow to be gracious, to find joy, to fellowship with a Savior who deserves my attention rather than mere pain.

I know that no one can really do anything to help me, but I just wish...for just one moment...I just wish that I had someone holding my hand as I shudder, grimace, grunt, or leak tears and tell me that it will get better...eventually.

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