endurance...

I awoke in the middle of the night rather ill and have been struggling ever since, though the illness is easing slowly now.

Last night, hour after hour, all I could do is stay curled in a ball while waves of nausea and stomach cramps washed over me.  Well, that and think.  I tried to pray the prayer that the new parish pastor wrote out for me and I keep tucked in my hymnal:

Lord, Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

He called it the "Jesus Prayer," assumed that I knew it, was familiar with it.  I had come across Brother Goose's reworking of the prayer and was amazed at what he wrote, but even then, I did not know he was writing about this prayer.

I did spend time praying this, crying it out loud.  But I also spent far too much time thinking about things that have been said, new wounds, fresh scars laid down upon the old ones when I never expected such would happen.   So, I was praying and crying and crying and praying, all the while writhing in misery. 

Somewhere around 9:00-ish, I finally fell asleep, only to be awakened by a relentless pounding on my door.  I ignored it for at least ten minutes.  When I finally went down to see who it was, I found a man who wanted to mow my grass for money.  I don't know him, but he said he kept knocking because my car was there and he knew I was home.  I did not care for his words, but told him kindly that I was not interested in his services.  I wish I had not opened the door, but someone knocking like that usually means something important.

As much as I wanted to fall back asleep, so tired am I from last night and from the past two weeks on the new medication and all the early morning appointments and...well...worrying, I could not.  I am too uncomfortable.

"Manna" called, since I emailed her to let her know that I was home.  We talked and she sang me a hymn, Jesus Priceless Treasure (LSB 743).  After basking in its sweet, sweet Gospel, I told her she could sing that one to me any time she wished, every call even!


Jesus, priceless treasure,
Fount of purest pleasure,
Truest friend to me,
Ah, how long in anguish

Shall my spirit languish
Yearning Lord for Thee?

Thou are mine, 

O Lamb divine!

I will suffer naught to hide Thee;

Naught I ask beside Thee.

In thine arms I rest me;
foes who would molest me
Cannot reach me here.
Though the earth be shaking, 
Every heart be quaking,
Jesus calms my fear;
Lightnings flash 
And thunders crash
Yet, though sin and hell assail me,

Jesus will not fail me.

Satan, I defy thee;

Death I now decry thee;

Fear, I bid thee cease.

World, thou shalt not harm me

Nor thy threats alarm me

While I sing of peace.

God's great pow'r 

Guards ev'ry hour;

Earth and all its depths adore Him,

Silent bow before Him.

Hence, all earthly treasure!
Jesus is my pleasure,
Jesus is my choice.
Hence, all empty glory!
Naught to me thy story
Told with tempting voice.
Pain or loss 

Or shame or cross
Shall not from my Savior move me
Since He deigns to love me.

Evil world, I leave thee;

Thou canst not deceive me,

Thine appeal in vain.

Sin that once did blind me,

Get thee far behind me,

Come not forth again,

Past they hour,

O pride and pow'r;

Sinful life, thy bonds I sever,

Leave thee now forever.

Hence, all fears and sadness,
For the Lord of gladness,
Jesus, enters in.
Those who love the Father,
Thought the storms may gather,
Still have peace within.

Yea, whate'er
I here must bear,
Thou art still my purest pleasure,
Jesus, priceless treasure!

"Manna" is very kind to me.  Gentle and kind, yet very bald in her words.  And I really like how her mind works.  Well, after singing the hymn to me, when we were talking, she mentioned the devil.  She likes how this hymn is sort of telling him to just get lost, sort of shoving all his crap back in his face. She talked about how often we do not acknowledge how active and how fierce he is in his assaults against us.  Don't let him win, she admonished me.  Stefan dies.  You are ill and facing battles on many fronts.  So satan is attacking and has taken those things from us, my son, your health and reputation.  Well, he can't take Jesus from us unless we let him.  We cannot let him have Jesus. Don't let him have Jesus.

Those are not exactly her words, but close.  They are the heart of them.

I do not want to let satan have Jesus, too.  I do not. Maybe that part of me is why I hunger so deeply for people to read the Living Word aloud to me and sing hymns to me and pray the Psalter with me...and to take in the Lord's Supper.  I know that I have the opportunity for such each Sunday, but I oft feel that is not enough...not enough to face such assaults and accusations when I am so very weak and weary. 

I do not want to let satan have Jesus, too.
 
I do not.


Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief!