I start my newest medication today, the one that is supposed to help even out the dips in blood sugar. The endocrinologist warned that I might struggle with the side effects, but I quipped that nothing could be worse than the theophylline. It is funny, last week's episode of Royal Pains had theophylline as a major storyline.
I have noticed, however, that I am significantly less short of breath. Merely going up a single flight of stairs left me huffing and puffing. The climb to Accounting (two floors up) left me unable to speak. [I try to take the stairs at work since I basically spend my non-work life on the couch.] Thursday, when I went to Accounting, I could actually speak to one of the women about the paperwork in my hand when I arrived.
However, when I was singing with Sunshine on Saturday, I really didn't last long at all. She is a true musician, so we sang harmonies. But our singing was altogether too brief. Sunshine did, however, sing me one song and one hymn whilst I sat back and soaked in the blessed Gospel contained therein the beautiful music falling upon my ears.
Also, I fell today at work because I was in the process of fainting. And sitting on the couch with Sunshine, just talking, I twice fought dizziness enough to make following the conversation rather difficult. And I fainted when I got out of bed this morning. And, while standing and talk with the CEO, I had to suddenly grab the edge of this metal shelf to keep from toppling over.
I am almost at the point where I would ask to remain on the theophylline because my sats are so much better and I am breathing easier. However, it does not seem to be doing all that much for the whole fainting thing.
Other than singing with me, Sunshine did something rather remarkable...at least to me. Before coming over, she emailed me to ask if there was something she could do while she was visiting. Because I have been so bloody exhausted, I actually told her there were two things I had in mind, but we could play it by ear. That magnificent woman scrubbed my tub! Saturday night's shower was taken in complete confidence and an utter lack of fear. Five times in the past three weeks I have fallen in the shower due to the less-than-clean status of the tub. She scoured it so hard that I should at least have a couple of weeks of safety if not three! [Can someone please tell me why it is that soapy water makes for a dirty tub?]
The other task I asked of her was to go with me to the donations place so I could drop off all the stuff my writing student had put into my car. All in all, I have now donated over 300 books. Plus, several items I shall not admit to how many moves have they made with me but never used. My staircase, which had been housing all the books, is now blessedly empty, as is my vehicle.
Very much did I savor my time with Sunshine. If it were not seemingly silly, I would spell her nickname "Sonshine," for she shines the light of Jesus on me. For someone who was born a Lutheran to a Lutheran pastor, she has bits and pieces of her which would pass for a Protestant no matter the denomination. While Sunshine is not interested in the doctrine in the least, I happen to think the emphasis on missions, on bringing the Word to the unreached oft found in the Protestant church, is what is calling her heart for she is interested in the Protestant church. She served as a missionary in Japan for 7 years, learning and growing in the process, but also becoming disenchanted with some of the bureaucracy. Believe me, bureaucracy can destroy even the greatest work.
One of the things she does is sign off her emails with "Rejoice in the Lord Always!" Now, Pastor F always signs his "baptism saves." That is CERTAINLY a reminder I need. Brother Goose signs his "love," which warms the cockles of my heart, and sometimes adds "much" to the "love" part (superlative cockle warming). But, mostly, the other Lutherans I know sign theirs "Pax," "Pax Christi," or "Peace."
Okay, the peace of Christ is very important. Did I not put that bit from Luther about all that is within "grace and peace to you"? So moved was I by that I have oft signed off my emails that way of late. And I have come to understand that peace is not a feeling but a reconciliation, the state of being reconciled with God we have because of Christ. Surely what more could you wish for another Christian if he/she is not someone you would sign off in "love"?
But when Sunshine wrote that, something that was utterly ubiquitous in the Protestant churches I attended, I did not feel the burden of the "law" teaching I had had about rejoicing in the Lord (and often failing, falling short in my rejoicing efforts). Instead, I thought of the things of Christ I now have to rejoice about: the profound meaning of "It is finished." and the wonder of "I am baptized."
That is just how she is. I really am fumbling this, but the part of me that misses some of the fellowship I had in the Protestant church, especially prayer, just soaks up every encounter I have with Sunshine. What mercy, eh?
Yesterday, it was difficult for me to remember such, for I truly believe my heart broke. I simply have not the strength to hope any more for things which really are not for me. I had tears streaming down my face for over two hours...I could not stop weeping, not violent wracking sobs, but hot silent tears. Today was even harder for I felt as if I lost the last place of safety in my life and wept even more. Each day for a while now has gotten harder and harder and harder.
I believe I have mentioned this before, but perhaps not. In any case, I need the reminder. I need to ponder the whys and wherefores contained therein.
A pastor I know has this way of praying in which he prays the Apostles' Creed, the Kryie, and the Lord's Prayer. He prays the Creed. Prays it. I am sure other Lutherans do this. It is probably something they do since birth, but he is the only one I know who does. He also prays the Lord's Prayer more than anyone I know. Someone once immediately offered to pray the "Our Father" with me when I mentioned that I was feeling nervous. At the time, I did and was comforted...but I found it a strange thing to offer.
But there is something to saying, to praying, "I believe...I believe...I believe..." not the I of this, not my faith, but the substance of what it is that I actually believe. At times, it could be an in-your-face to satan. "There! Take that, you louse!" At other times, it is a soothing, gentle, calm, consistent, constant reminder of the Gospel. Of course, Luther's teaching on the Creed troubles my waters. This I have written. This I have spoken. This I have despaired, really. However, I am not thinking about that just now. Instead, I am thinking about the fact that in having someone pray those words for me, in saying, "amen" to what she prayed, my grief that had spilled over and brought me to my knees on the floor of my office was contained once more. Contained in Christ, really, eh?
I know this might sound...well...however...but I spent much of the rest of my day thinking about Job. Everything was stripped away from him. So much, so much I have lost. So much I am losing. So much I fear I am about to lose. What is left? Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.
But I am not as strong as Job, I find myself protesting...
Do not despair, but trust Christ, whatever may be the case. I do know and understand how scary it all must be, how overwhelmingly hard and difficult it must be even to ponder the future right now. The devil will work overtime on your heart and mind, as well as your body and soul, as he surely has been doing for a long time. Remember that he hates you—but the Lord loves you, the one true God, the Holy Trinity; and He has bound Himself to you, and you to Him, in the waters of your Holy Baptism; and He is not only for you, and with you, but in you, and above and beneath you, and on your right hand and your left hand, your fore guard and your rear guard. He is your Mighty Fortress, and He shall shield you from the flaming darts of the devil. Whatever cross He lays upon you, whatever suffering and persecution He may permit you to endure, He will work all of these things for your good, for that which is a gracious and great blessing to you and to others. Who yet knows how He will work it all out? He does, surely. And He raised Jesus from the dead. Cling to that, even when absolutely everything else seems elusive and false.
Elusive. There is no better word for me right now. None.
....remember that all of us are children of fallen man, all of us are the sons and daughters of Adam. We all have inherited this terribly history and legacy of sin and death, from which none of us can set himself or herself free. You know there is such an old Adam in you, and that you could not rid yourself of him. Yet, you also have been taught by the Word and Spirit of God that there is a new and better Adam, who is actually the Firstborn of all creation and the Firstborn from the dead; who is the very Image and Likeness of God—in His very flesh and blood. He has become a man of the dust, bearing your sins and death in His own body to the Cross and grave, and yet God has raised Him from the dust of the earth, and poured out His Spirit upon Him—in His body of flesh and blood—and glorified Him, exalted Him, and seated Him at His right hand in heaven. That new and better Adam has taken you to be His own. By His Word and Spirit, He has resurrected you, and He has recreated you in His own Image and Likeness; and He shares His glory with you, by and with His Gospel—in your body, as also in your heart, mind, soul and spirit. Yes, in your body, abused and scarred, sick and struggling, destined for death and dust; that very body is also anointed by the Spirit of Christ, washed in pure water, fed with Meat and Drink indeed, and shall be raised immortal, imperishable, and glorious, like unto the body of Christ Jesus Himself. Then you shall see Him as He truly is—and you shall see yourself and your life as they truly are in Him—because you will be like Him, forever and ever. Amen.
Myrtle, this is most certainly true, and it is most certainly for you. God says so.
God says so. I still have far too many God-demands/requires-this-of-you-to-have-a-faithful-relationship-with-Him echoing about my mind and heart. God says so is another way, I think, of saying, "This God has promised, for you, Myrtle." I wish...I really wish I could be better schooled in the promises of God. I wish with my whole heart I could cast out all the Gospel-wrongly-turned-into-imperatives that crush me, taunt me in my constant failure to be a "good" Christian, to be a "better" witness of Christ. After all...I could be the only "bible" someone reads...I have to make sure I show them the right sort of Christian so they can see Jesus. If not, I could keep them from becoming a Christian. How is your relationship with God, Myrtle? Are you right with Him? You can measure this by considering witness, Myrtle. How is your witness, Myrtle? Take your spiritual inventory to see how you might be a better witness, Myrtle. Where can you improve so that you might be a better witness? Oh, the pressure of that!
Why, why, Lord Jesus, do I continue to bow beneath the weight of that measuring stick You never intended me to use?
We receive and live each day by the grace of God, and we cherish and care for whatever life He creates and entrusts to our keeping, feeble and flawed though we all are. Do what God gives you to do, whatever it may be, even though in, with and under the Cross, and know that He will raise you from the dead. He will raise you from the dead. He will raise you from the dead. There is nothing so bad that can happen that He can't fix it.
Really..nothing? What about the whole you-screwed-things-up-so-you-have-to-live-with-it philosophy? David's little baby from his colossal mistake with Bathsheba died for his sin. How is that God fixing a thing? Was that God wooing David to him? What of Bathsheba's faith? How did she feel about losing her child? For that matter, how did she feel about David taking her to his bed and a child being the result? Oh, sometimes I really, really wish there were a few more bits to the bible.
Do not let your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. In the world you have tribulation, but Christ has overcome the world. He grants you His peace, not as the world gives or falsely promises, but the perfect peace of His forgiveness and reconciliation with God.
And we are back to peace....
Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief!
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