A new recipe...

Here it is, 3:43 AM, and I am battling my body.  My first thought is that I am being punished for taking a day for myself, but I know that is not true.  This is simply the norm of my life.

Right now, my cheeks are burning hot, so hot that it is difficult to concentrate.  When I am with someone (not that I am just now), I find myself losing track of the conversation.  In part, I feel like a freak with my red face.  Each time the flushing gets this bad, the vessels in my skin are being damaged.  That is why I have dark red streaks in my red patches and why I have red patches in the first place.  In part, the heat in my skin is just so very hot. I sit there thinking how odd it is that my face is on fire.

Right now, it feels as if there is something in my right eye.  Something big and terrible.  For days now, it has felt like I have paper cuts on my eyeballs.  When I blink, it feels as if I am being cut anew.  Now, it is as if, on top of the pain, I have some sort of eyelash or something in there.  I know in my head that I do not.  But my eyeballs are insisting that something needs to be pulled out and pulled out now.

Right now, my head is aching.  It is a funny headache, that is a circle atop my head.  And it is, for however weird this sounds, a sweet pain.  I feel as if my blood sugar is low, but I checked.  It is, for me, high.  I often feel like crap when my blood sugar is high.  I feel my best when it is between 90 and 110.  Below 90 and I get sicker and sicker.  My 70 is other's 50 or 40.  But I like to live in that magical zone where I have no funny circle headache atop my head, no nausea, no weakness, no trembling, no extra agitation.

Right now, I am battling violent waves of nausea.  When they first strike, it is as if I am being tossed by the waves and cannot swim to the surface for air.  It takes a while for me get my bearing, to figure out which direction is up.  When I am overwhelmed, I rarely remember to take the Zofran.  It takes a while for me to find my way to be able to take that breath and begin to escape the nausea.

Right now, I am battling dizziness.  Georgie keeps firing and I have tremendous pressure in my neck, key indicators my blood pressure is low.  I'd check, but the meter is upstairs and I am downstairs.  Downstairs waiting for the Zofran to get me to the point where I can move and at least curl up with Amos in my bed.

Right now, I have blocks of ice for feet.  All this blasted rain has made it a bit cold and my feet think that a bit cold means arctic.  I have them in my best wool socks and resting on a heating pad, with two blankets on top of them.  It is really difficult to move around in nausea agony when you have to keep your feet flat on a heating pad.  I want my bed, where my foot warmer at least allows me to roll over and over as I try to escape the nausea and where I can turn it up to roast.

Right now, I am afraid.  Tomorrow (today), is a doctor appointment in the area of my body for which I have the most shame.  I have had two days where I believe I've had a hormone surge like before I started hormones and I am worried that 1) the new brand of hormones is not working for me and 2) that we won't be able to control my hormones during menopause.

But I am also ... well ... this doctor likes me.  She calls me courageous.  And she listens.  Even when I have just finished screaming and weeping my way through an exam and am caught in the throes of a meltdown ... even when I know I'll be cutting in the car just to get myself home ... I feel ... oh, crap ... I DON'T KNOW WHAT I FEEL.  I just know that it is good.  That I leave simultaneously drowning in shame and glad that I was there.

I am afraid of what is going on with my body.
I am afraid of what might go on with my mind.
I am afraid of what is happening with my eyes.

SIGH.

But I took charge of my life for a few hours today.  Whilst awaiting the refrigerator warranty repairman, I started cooking.  I made sun-dried tomato chicken meatballs and baked oatmeal and lemon cookies.  I also, for the first time since the end of January, tried a new recipe:  Chilorio!

It is pork that you start by cooking in orange juice and water.

And then you cook it in ancho pepper sauce.

You put the pulled pork back in the pot and cook it in the sauce.

You cook it until the sauce is almost all absorbed.  And you have this incredible pot of tastiness!

Then you can roll it up in a fresh, warm tortilla, along with some avocado, seasoned with sea salt, peppercorn medley, and a little bit of lime juice.  You might be better at rolling than I am.  But, even if your tortillas crack, it will still taste amazing.  Like some sort of blend between Mexican food and barbecue.  Mmmmm!

I also made two quarts each of Gatorade, tea, and lemon cucumber water.  It was a busy, busy day.  But it was a good one.  Not just because it was a productive day.  Not just because I was able to DO SOMETHING.  No, it was a good day because I was able to explore a new recipe.

And jammed to John Denver.