Tuesday, May 02, 2017

Mr. Slim Jim...


I was a Nervous Nelly about Amos' annual check-up.  I've been watching him lose weight since last year and the amount has worried me.  His little body has changed so very much.  He's all ribs and spine now.  Not grossly so, mind you, but Amos is a much different puppy dog now.

Now, Amos had become quite a bit of a chunky monkey.  In fact, since the moment I got him until last May, all Amos had done is gain weight.  Two years ago, the vet suggested we drop Amos' food down from 1.5 cups to 1 cup.  That didn't make a difference.  So, at last year's appointment, when Amos topped out at 26.7 pounds, we talked about switching Amos to a weight management food.  I asked about seeing if I dropped the milk to wet his food and switched to water.  I really like the food that he is eating now.

Well, that change and the past five months of walking both could attribute to his weight loss, but not a 21% body change.  But not that much, right?

His vet agreed that Amos needs to not be losing any more weight.  She'd like him to plateau here.  When I called, worried, a month ago, she thought 20 pounds would be okay, so she was not concerned that he had dropped to 21.4 pounds.  When we came today, he was at 21 pounds.  A full pound less than when he got his teeth cleaned two months ago.  Feeling Amos' little body, his vet said he was most definitely lean and lean is good, but any leaner would begin to verge on unhealthy.

So, although Amos doesn't realize this yet, this means Amos gets to up his food a bit.  She wants me to try 1.25 cups.  See if a happy medium can be found.  And I am to weigh him every two weeks.  Any sooner and I might begin to worry too much.  His vet tech will be calling in for monthly updates until we see that he's not losing more.  Mostly, the vet believes this is an over-correction on weight management rather than any ill health.  His blood work two months ago was great.  He's eating and drinking and doing his business all fine.  He's frolicking about and is enjoying his walks.  Nothing in his behavior or habits gives concern ... other than his now svelte figure.

My chunky monkey is now Mr. Slim Jim.

My vet is always late, which is bothersome.  It's bothersome because Amos is a nutcase when I pull into the parking lot.  He doesn't just want to be on my shoulders, he tries to crawl up atop my head!  I always walk in with him perched on my shoulders, quaking with full-body tremors.  The clinic always has a room ready for us with blankets on the ground so I can rest easier.  They are kind, if a bit tardy.  But I forgot the most important part:  they always have a Dr Pepper for me!

Okay, the most important part is that they are especially gentle and compassionate with both Amos and I.  The second most important part is that they always have a Dr Pepper for me.

I was rather tired on the way home.  Whilst there, I tried managing my upsettedness and worry by listening to the soundtrack to "The Martian."  I had it playing on the way home until I found myself ready to nod off.  I need a peppy sort of play list for when I am driving home from draining outings.

I spent the rest of the evening holding Amos and resting and trying not to worry about my second appointment with the new GP.  I really would like to talk about my blood works, about two trends that I spotted that concern me, but I wonder if I should just wait until it is all repeated again in six months.  

The poor kidney results worried me, so I went looking at the other areas Sjogren's affects:  liver and platelets.  The two liver tests and the platelets are still in the "normal" range, but if you graph the results over the past six months, the two liver tests have steadily rising numbers at about a 35% angle and my platelets have been steadily declining at about the same angle on the graph.  I find that a bit concerning since all three test results show quite even numbers over the past several years ... the lab results that I have.

Do I bring it up, bring up my desire to look at my blood work from a wider perspective?  Or do I take the "wait-and-see" approach?  I would like those three test results repeated in six weeks with the kidney blood work.  Is that too much to ask??  SIGH.

Part of not worrying about the appointment was thinking about the responses to a post about prayer I made whilst ill.  


How are you supposed to pray when you are ill? Serious question. Do I pray for the Zofran to work? For Georgie to stop forcing my heart to beat faster just now? Or am I merely supposed to pray for Hod's will? And His glory? Because I know what will I want right now. Mine. No nausea. No pacemaker. No fear. And that I want *my* will stokes my fear about salvation. SIGH.


I was asking about how to pray when ill and the answers really didn't address my question, other than Emily's.  She answered, but specifically, as in praying about Zofran working.  But not the larger question.  This made me think I did not do a good job of asking.  So, I tried again.  


I tried to ask about prayer when I was ill and scared and I think I didn't do a good job of asking. That or only Emily seemed to get what I was asking. Her answer was in part or specific to the situation, but not the larger issue. How does one pray when she is ill?

I mean, I don't pray for myself. Right or wrong, it is not something I can do. I pray for others. I mostly pray the Psalms for others. And I pray the Psalms when I do not have anyone in mind but want to hear them. Basically, I'm in the Psalter several times every day.

Still, when I am in the throes of nausea or pain or plummeting blood pressure or blood sugar, I don't cry out to God. I am usually so overwhelmed in the moment I am ... well ... paralyzed with just trying to endure. I oft post my bodily misery in the hopes that others would pray.

Sometimes, though, in the afterwards of such times, mostly when I am castigating myself for not calling upon God and wondering what it is that I believe because I remain so silent at times, I wonder what I should be praying. I wonder because all the possibilities that come to my mind seem to be not the right things to pray because they all seem to be what I want, not necessarily "Thy will be done."

Pretty much my wants are two-fold: 1) make the medicine work (if I have something to take) and 2) to get through the moment. Neither of those are spiritual in nature or reflect a trust in God.

My evangelical past was filled with prayers that were more of a shopping list or maybe a spiritual Honey Do list for God than what I find in the Psalter. In there, I find the agony of soul and the joy of salvation. I find the wants of the immediate and the desires of the long-term. I find honest, vulnerable humanity living in a fallen world. So there is this cognitive dissonance between what I learned and what I ... am learning hiding out in the Psalter.

When I brought up the failed post with Becky on the phone, she pointed out that in Jesus' dark moment, He first prayed for what was to come to not come as a way of expressing His want and then prayed that God's will be done.

I am not saying that if it is God's will that I suffer that I have a problem with that. At least as far as I am aware, I don't. I have a fairly strong stance that we live in a fallen world. Blame for the ills and trials of this world lie not at the feet of God but at those who brought sin into the world and those who continue that sin. That's the devil, through Adam and Eve, and the devil again, through humankind. I think that folk seem to forget the depth and breadth of the reality of living in a fallen world.

I'm saying that I wonder about what to pray and how to pray in my dark moments where I so inclined. And I wonder why I am not compelled to pray ... what that says about me.


I am not really expecting an answer, but I do sometimes get responses there whereas I do not here.  And I do have FB friends who are Christians.  SIGH.

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