Difficult things...

Another birthday present I got for myself arrived today.  You can see one of the two skirts in the photo that were also a present.

I cannot believe that I lost this CD.  Nor can I believe that I never ripped it to my computer.  Also unfathomable is that I forgot that I discovered the missing CD and only just remembered it again.  You see, I realized I hadn't yet heard John Denver in my haven!!

Tonight, I was able to take him along on my Amos walk.  We did not leave until near dark, because I had a long, long, long day.  There I was, basking in the warmth and gentleness that is John Denver's Greatest Hits, and I discovered the problem with taking John Denver on an Amos walk:  It is impossible for me not to sing along with Mr. Denver.  Singing and walking are both asthma inducing activities for myself.  Sadly, I think that, from now on, John Denver has to stay home.

I cannot wait until Becky gets here.
She'll belt out Denver with me.
In my haven.

I found some large pipe wind chimes for my haven.  They are not quite as large as I wanted, but they have a beautiful tone to them.  Not quite as rich and striking as the ones on my front porch, but soothing.  I can barely hear them from the back porch, but I think that less might be more when it comes to chimes out in my having.  At least I am hoping that is the case.

As I have learned with some of my other wind chimes, placement is everything.  I am not sure I have them hung to their best advantage.  If only the rain would stop and I could see.  It's been raining and raining raining.  We had a tiny break today, but have more storms coming, with more flood advisories.

I am not sure what day it was, but the other day I came home to three Roto-Rooter trucks on my block, one just across the street.  I am so very, very, very thankful that my basement remains dry.  Six years hear and I still struggle with the trauma of having to empty out my basement in Alexandria.  It is just so discouraging to walk down and find several inches of water in your home.  It is not something you easily stop fearing.

It is like my cabinets.  The kitchen cabinets in Alexandria started to come away from the wall after they were hung ... after they were hung and filled.  It was shocking and terrifying to see.  I was certain they would fall upon me if I tried to save all my dishes.  I managed to get everything out and call for help.  I had to pay for the cabinets to be installed a second time, which is rather annoying.  To this day, I regularly check the security of the cabinets whenever I am in a kitchen.  Are they still touching the wall?

Instead of a photo of another cooked sandwich, I thought I would take a pre-cooking one.  Tonight, looking for something to ... distract me ... I decided to up my "melt" game.  This is a chicken bacon avocado melt, with white cheddar cheese and extra sharp cheddar.  I seasoned the avocado mash with sea salt, peppercorn medley, and smoked tomato.  I wish that I had some of Panera's sun-dried tomato basil bread to really elevate this sandwich, but I think that it it was pretty darned good on sourdough bread.

One of the birthday gift ideas I've had is this panini maker I've been looking at for eons.  I actually forgot about it when making my list.  Ever since I started making melts, I have hankered for a panini maker, even though I am not so interested in being a huge sandwich person since I do limit my carbohydrates and focus on protein, but this is a pretty good little one that saves space and yet has some oomph to it.  The reviews are good on several sites.  I haven't showered myself with it yet, but I still have a month to go!

I did order another present.  It is a book by CS Lewis on the Psalter.  An old book.  A forgotten book. I do not know anything about the book, but CS Lewis is a great writer and the Psalter is pretty much the greatest book in the Bible to me, so I don't think I have much to lose on this small purchase.  Being sent via media mail, it is going to be a bit slow in coming.  A time of blissful anticipation??

Today was difficult for me.

I had my second meeting with my new GP.  She took quite a bit of time with me, which was so kind and merciful.  She also was really, really, really specific about what could get me fired, because I am just so worried about that.  Basically, all I have to do is not make her staff cry over mean words.  I think I have that covered.  What I didn't tell her, though, is that was pretty much the very same words my old new GP told me.  I remain afraid.

We talked about some difficult things.

When I arrived, she said she had been thinking about me.  She couldn't remember my real name to look up when I might be coming, but then she finally remembered that Parkview would let her look me up by my nickname.  I thought it was sweet that she was thinking of me.

We talked of some difficult things.
And I spiraled downward from there.

At the checkout desk, which I somehow missed the first time around, the staff has a cup of positive thoughts.  I thought that is a really great idea.  The word "gardener" caught my eye, so I pulled out that quote:

"Spring makes its own statement, so loud and clear that the gardener seems to be only one of the instruments, not the composer." ~Geoffrey B. Charlesworth

We talked of some difficult things.

And I spiraled downward from there.

And everyone I called did not answer the phone.  Again.

I had four reminders to remind me that today and tomorrow were a possible meltdown days.  I think that having that in my mind helped, but it also didn't.  I left and kept thinking about what I said, not so much in shame, but in ... darkness.  I was frustrated because I would have been weeping but I am so low on tears that it takes a whole lot for ones to drip out of my eyes ... and not enough to travel down my cheeks.  

The emotions and thoughts were so overwhelming that I needed to cut.  I tried to call a friend to help distract me, to help get me through the storm, but once again I couldn't reach anyone.  And all I could think is that I simply do not have a support system, not the kind that I need.  And I doubt I ever will.  I thought not being able to reach anyone was crushing two months ago.  It was worse today.

In the midst of my drowning, I posted on Facebook, fairly baldly, because I was hoping someone would reach out to me.  No one did.  Not even later on.  I admit that I am drowning in loneliness.

I finally reached my sister.  She didn't understand why I called earlier or what I wanted.  I couldn't really explain to her, although I tried.  But it didn't matter.  She was having a hellacious day and poured out all this stuff that helped to pause my storm.  Then I cooked. Then my sister called on her way back from where she had to go.  I told her about my sandwich.  When we hung up.  I settled down to clutching Amos.

The other day, we talked about some difficult things.

My sister remembers my father coming to take my uncle out of our bed.  She remembers nothing else.  Was she sleeping?  Why do I want her to remember?  Are not sleeping dogs best left to lie undisturbed?