I came within a hair's breath of fainting in my boss's office today.

You see, when I arrived at work, I discovered that the air conditioner unit in my office was not working. I immediately emailed the operations manager and my boss, hoping it would be repaired right away, but knowing that was unlikely.

As the day wore on, my office grew warmer and I grew more worried. I suppose I should have gone hunting a new office, squatting where a staff member was out for the day. It is just that have so many cognitive aids at my desk and on my computer that I feel vulnerable sitting elsewhere. I was foolish.

In the mid afternoon, I found myself helping a colleague with his business plan. He wanted me to make it "pretty," my code for editing and formatting. I certainly welcome each opportunity to do so for it also affords me the opportunity to standardize our message, our format, our style. However, I was growing too warm, much too warm.

I sat there, beginning to tremble, hesitant to leave in the middle of the task because it wasn't that hot in the office. I would suppose about 75 degrees. What would it look like if I claimed the office was too warm for me? But then, just before I finished, I began to get the chills. The point of no return was upon me without really understanding how I got there.

I quickly finished my task just as my boss buzzed me to let me know that she was ready for my question from earlier in the day. So, I made my way to her office with some work to review. To my relief, she turned on her air conditioner not long after I sat down in her office. But as she began to review my work, it was all I could do to remain conscious.

I moved to the floor, because if I fainted, I did not want to fall out of the chair.

At one point, she told me to go home. I quipped that I couldn't just then, but I didn't really let her know how very close I was to fainting. I stayed, chatting nervously as my symptoms finally began to subside. Unfortunately, in doing so, I kept her from being able to do her work.

It probably would have been better, once I realized what was happening, if I had made my way to an empty office at that point. Sitting on her floor was distracting to her and to those who stopped by her office. But I couldn't have made it. Should I have called my boss and asked her to help me get there?

Unfortunately, heat exacerbates the symptoms of multiple sclerosis. The grace is that once you cool off, the symptoms subside. However, until that happens, the whole experience is quite frightening. I begin to tremble. I grow extremely weak. I become disoriented and confused, as if caught in a mental fog. And I can faint.

I did not communicate with my boss what was happening. I quipped. I brushed aside her questions. I ignored my own condition. I tried to mask the enormity of what was happening to me. And I sat in abject fear of fainting at work.

I do not want to be seen as a liability. I do not want to be a problem that must be solved. I want to be efficient, effective, productive... I thought it was not out of pride, but out of fear for my job. In the days of limiting liability, do I not represent a potential problem when a warm office causes me to spiral down into such danger?

But, wait...as I type this, I realized that though I prayed after realizing the air conditioner was broken and again at lunch, I did not trust God to protect me and trust my boss enough to ask for help more than the email I sent in the morning.

The world says to never expose your weaknesses...to never give them a reason to fire you...I do not live by the world, but by the Word of God. Yet, I did not do so today.

I lived by fear. I lived by my own conjecture and planning. And I didn't even trust someone who has been remarkably generous in her support of my work and of me.

Physically, I am fine. A few hours after the episode, I was able to drive home. But...mentally...I know that I made some very poor choices. And I find myself before God asking for forgiveness.

What have I learned?

For all that I have trusted Him day in and day out for more than half my life, I know little about trust. I pick and choose what I lay before Him. I pick and choose which parts of my life I walk in faith. Job security is not up to me. I believe that Christ has walked before me in providing my job and the opportunity to work with my boss. I believe. If, however, I believe, then I should know, without a doubt, that the days of my job are in His hands, not mine.

He knows I have MS. He knows what I have lost cognitively and how sensitive to heat I have become. He knows my needs. He knows.

Why do I not rest in that knowledge? Marvel in His grace and revel in His peace?

I have much to learn...