long day...

Sometimes my lack of intelligence astounds me. 

I scheduled three days of testing, orginally during vacation days, thinking that it would be the best way to knock out some of the neurological tests that, hopefully, will shed light on how stupid I have gotten over the past couple of years.

By day three, I was exhausted.

I was truly not prepared for the pain.  And I did not rise to the occaision, embrace it as a cross to bear.  Instead, every minute all I could do was hang on just one minute more.

The tech started out by running a comb through my hair to find her reference points.  My hair was somewhat wet since I was instructed to wash it, so the comb pulled and tore out significant chuncks on more than one occaision.  Now, I had electrodes attached to my head on Monday.  Trust me, this was totally different.

She also scrubbed my skin until it was abraded in several places.  On the side of my neck, it was raw and the paste stung so much that tears leaked down my cheeks despite trying to be brave.  I ended up having her move that electrode over enough to avoid the abrasion.

What puzzles me most about the day was that staring at a red dot on a screen actually hurt my right eye to the point it was watering profusely during the second round.

I should have realized, truly, that it was not going to be a good day when I got lost four times walking through the hospital trying to find the lab.

If you ask me, running electrical current through ankles and wrists is not the best way to gather data.  I mean, I was supposed to remain calm, eyes closes, silent, with no other brain waves than the response to the current.  It is very, very difficult to remain that way when in significant amount of pain.  I would also proffer the tech shouldn't have repeatedly told me just how hard it would be and that most of her patients did not complete the test.  She gave me every opportunity to quit, to not even start, instead of encouraging me through the process.

After the first pass on my left wrist, with one more pass to go on that side and double passes on my other three limbs, I asked her to count down the time, to provide periodic updates so that I knew how much longer it would last.  With each update, I prayed the prayer my pastor wrote out for me when he was sharing how he managed to get through hard things:  Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

During my pain breaks, I also listened to that album he recommended, Lighten our Darkness.

I am so tired, so very tired.  My limbs still hurt.  My neck still feels as if it is on fire.  And I am glad that the mercy of Christ carried me through the past three days.

Lord, have mercy.  Christ, have mercy.  Lord, have mercy.

What was the most managable test, you ask?  The one measuring my auditory pathways.  In the ear not being tested, white noise was broadcast.  I concentrated on that sound, instead of the clicking, and was able to remain relaxed, probably getting the best data of the day.

Will this day, this week, bring me closer to an answer?  I do not know.  The neuropsych exam in December should at least fill in a greater part of the picture.  The neurologist just does not know if enough will be painted for him to determine what I need. 

I will admit, the best part of the past three days is that I did not have to mask for a single second.  It was actually important that all my weaknesses, all my confusion, all my disorientation be transparent to the technicians running the tests.

The wicked part of MS is that many times the tests fail to pinpoint the whys and wherefores of symptoms.  I am ready to receive such news.  However, I am hoping that will not be the case.  Oh, how I long for at least some data that will pinpoint the type of cognitive dysfuction so that I might develop better coping strategies, that I might remain independent longer.


I am Yours, Lord.  Save me!