Because I cannot do what I want to do...

This is the laundry room as I purchased the home.  I do not have a better photo, or one showing the whole area.  If you look closely, you will see the washing machine separated from the dryer by a cabinet topped with a sink.  What you cannot see is this gargantuan table, 8 feet by 4 feet, that takes up much of the rest of the space.  What you also cannot see is an open gas line curled up above the table that is not capped.  The shower is broken.  The faucet on the sink is broken.  The drain for the washing machine is broken. The dryer works, though.  I LOVE how it dries in just one cycle after having been constantly disappointed by the new Maytag I had at my old home that took 2 or even 3 cycles to dry clothing.  

Here, you can see that a plumber has been hard at work.  Unfortunately, shortly after purchasing the home, the washing machine broke.  So, in this photo, you see a new one.  The plumber moved the washing machine over adjacent to the dryer.  He also plumbed a drain line and repaired the broken portion that is behind the shower. Since it was too expensive to try and rebuild the sink's faucet (it was on a beveled front), the plumber removed the sink and cabinet and then hung a new laundry sink for me. He also repaired the shower.  Since there was already two water line hook-ups, all the plumber had to do was switch which went to the washing machine and which went to the sink.  I used a cabinet left behind in another part of the basement to serve as another cabinet, happy that it had a Formica top.   You can see the gargantuan table and a box of icky rags the previous owner left behind that I was afraid to touch.

Here is what I did because I cannot do what I want to do.  I could not stop the pit bull. I could not speak up for myself in court. I could not even move once that woman's sister sat down in front of me and taunted me with her t-shirt.  I painted, with left over paint from the solarium.  I got out my saw and reconfigured the gargantuan table into a counter, adding back the siding, relocating the log, and then making another leg.  I also added vinyl floor tiles to make a table top.  I found the rug and the windowpane mirror on Craig's List.  All in all, the transformation cost $43.  Well, $43 and a lot of energy and muscle pain on my part.  Actually, it did not take all that long to paint, nor saw the table apart, nor screw the leg back on, nor add the new leg, nor hang the mirror, nor hang the printers drawers that have been sitting on the table since I moved. It did not take all that long, but it was still very hard for me because I am weaker.

I probably shouldn't have done the work.  Or, maybe, done it over a much longer period.  I suppose I busied myself and wearied myself because it was something I could do instead of being trapped once more by what I cannot do.

I will say that I like the space much, much more now.  I never really used the table because the top seemed dirty no matter how much I tried to clean it.  Plus, I could not reach across it.  You can see, however, that all this beautification has not inspired me to do the ironing that is in the corner basket...that has been in the corner basket since the end of July. 

I wish...I wish so much that I were not who I am, that I were stronger, that I could think more clearly, that I really could be free of the night of July 12th.  Of that night and all the other bad times that fell me so very easily.  I wish I were, but I am not.  I wish I could, but I cannot.

I am Yours, Lord.  Save me.