The thoughts in my head...

First, let me tell you that I thawed out Vietnamese Chicken Curry with Sweet Potatoes for my main meal today and greatly missed Marie.  You see, the kind, merciful Marie will pick out and eat the onions in your bowl of curry for you so that there is no waste about which to be guilty.

And, to know the brilliance of Becky's mind, I will say that I asked her where the bathrooms in my church might be, even though she's never been in them, because I knew that Becky would have an answer.  She did!

But I am writing out of order.

I received something today that greatly distressed me, not long before I was to leave for catechesis.  Friday I had some distressing news and wrote my distressing thought to my pastor.  Last night, he sent back a Gospel reply.  I had a terrible dream and sent out frightened texts and received back Gospel answers.  And then the mail.

Despair and fear.
Gospel.
Despair and shame.

I called everyone I could think of to help me with the overwhelming thoughts and emotions, because, amongst other things, I was thinking and feeling I had no business going to catechesis.  And I was scared that the hormones weren't working.  I finally actually had three different perspectives on the matter, which helped me look past what I was thinking and feeling.  Not that my thoughts or feelings were wrong, but to move past them.  So, I left for catechesis.

In a way, it was like we went round and round and yet at the same time it seems like we took a large step forward.

We talked about the Lord's Supper, looking further at Article VII of the Formula Solid Declaration, at the Gospels, and at the 11th chapter of 1 Corinthians.  From what I understand, while most certainly it is the Word of God that makes the Sacrament, those church bodies who deny the Real Presence of Christ in the Sacrament, do not confess that it is His true body and true blood, are not actually joining the Word of God to the element.  And, therefore, the element remains just that, an element.

I still struggle with what it means to have the Word of God.  And, finally, near the very end, my pastor made a distinction that was very, very, very helpful to me.  He said that to have doubts about the Word of God, to struggle with the dissonance between God's Word and your experiences, is not denying the Word of God.  He said that was why, in fact, he could easily make the offer to take whatever judgement there might be upon himself, not because he was being all noble and brave, but because he was confident that he would not be adding harm to his life.

In briefly touching on doubt, he looked at my fear of James 1, but did not actually have me look at the words in the Word that distress me so.  Not the part about being tossed about on the ocean, but the bit that comes after, the bit that sounds as if you have doubt then you will be punished by the absence of God.  What my pastor said is that those words are not a Word of Promise and that they are specific in nature.  We did not really talk about that, the specificity of them, because the time was late and I really was not up to actually looking at the words.  However, even in my weak mind, I can cling to the idea that James 1:7(8) is not a promise to/for me.

We looked briefly at what the judgement of the Lord's Supper is, at what it might mean to take harm upon yourself.  Next time, I want to look at that more the judgement before we move on to repentance.  As I said, we read in the 11th chapter of 1 Corinthians, which was a bit surprising to me if only because we looked at the larger context.  And we talked about that while it is not crystal clear what harm may come, it is clear that Paul was concerned.  So, in a way, closed communion—and those cases where one is barred from the altar—is more an act of concern and protection than an act of judgement.  Only, with being barred, it is important to understand the difference between an unrepentant person and someone struggling with and against sin.  For every single person who stands/kneels at the altar is standing/kneeling in sin.

Jesus came for struggling sinners.
Jesus gave His body and blood for struggling sinners.
Struggling sinners are the very ones welcome at and worthy to approach the Lord's Supper.

It is hard to explain, for really we were out of time, focusing so deeply on trying to find the right words to help me understand what having the Word of God is.  However, tonight was the first time that I walked into church without being nearly bowled over by shame.  It is not that shame is no longer a burden, but, tonight at least, it was not an obstacle.  A great, big, seemingly insurmountable obstacle.

I am not a denier.
And doubt is okay.
I am still forgiven.

In a way, I think I got sort of a precursor to talking about repentance, because my pastor mentioned how Jesus and John would say (or end teaching with): Repent and believe.  However, those are not meant as commands, as something that we do.  They are what we receive in the Word of God.  Given my thoughts about Article XII of the Apology to the Augsburg Confession, what he said made sense even though I was not quite sure what he was saying.  I know.  Confusing.

Still, I walked in without battling shame for daring to be there.
I am no longer convinced that I am an interloper.
It was okay for me to pass the threshold.

My pastor really threw me for a loop, though, because he was standing in the bit of the church before you go into the church. I think it might be called the narthex.  I am not sure. I don't know the parts of a church, because in the evangelical world, there is the sanctuary and then there is everything else.  As in the sanctuary is the only thing specific.

Anyway, he was standing there to greet folk.  My first thought was that he was there to say there was no service because of a flood or fire or something.  My second thought was: purple!????!!!

If I were picking colors out for church seasons, I would pick red for lent, representing the blood of Christ.  But purple???

Best. Lent. Sermon. Ever.

I confess that I slipped back into my evangelical roots and got out a pen. Yep, I blatantly sat in a Lutheran church and took notes.  Shiver me timbers!  How daring!

You see, as a Christian, I grew up in a world where you always carried your bible to church and where you took notes during the sermon.  Heck, many churches, these days, have handouts where the notes are half-taken, where you just fill in the blanks.  Not. In. Lutheran. Churches.

In Lutheran churches, you don't carry the bible.  You don't take notes.  You bow and cross yourself and kneel and stand and do all manner of things I don't always understand.

I felt wicked.
I felt like I was home.
I was finally me.

I caught the usher staring at me scribbling in all the empty spaces of the bulletin.  I think I felt the church fathers rolling over in their graves.  Still, next time in church, I'm going to bring a notebook.

[If you are trying to actually read my scribbling, that "D" word at the center bottom is "Devil" not "David." I'll spare you photos of the other side ... and the inserts.]

But, let me back up.   So, I was talking with Becky just before I walked into the sanctuary (I'm sure that is improper) and she told me that she came up with a way to describe Lent that was not soul-crushing.  I was all ears:

Advent is preparing for the coming of Christ, reflecting upon all the ways He comes to us even now, as well as how He came to us then.  [I love Advent and am thankful that Lutherans have Advent, which is something Becky knows.]  Lent is similar, in that it is a time of reflecting upon how Jesus died for us so that we were/are not left with our sin, left with eternal death.  So, Lent really is about forgiveness, not about us being better Christians or more appreciative of our salvation.  It's about what Jesus does for us, not about us or what we do for Him.

Now THAT'S a Lent description that does not strike terror in my heart.

And, for the record, I am becoming less ashamed about being terrified of sin because, actually, sin striking terror in the heart is exactly how the Confessions describe contrition.  Sin is supposed to terrify me.  I am not a freak.

Anyway, this is a little out of order, but I was looking forward to singing the sanctus because Mary—God bless her—explained to me the whole Hosanna in the highest thing.  Do you want the translation? It is:  Save us now, You, up there in heaven!  Doesn't that make perfect sense to you know?  It does to me.

Hosanna in the highest!
Save us now, You, up there in heaven!

But, before the Santcus, long before, was the Old Testament reading.  The Old Testament reading that led to a snicker because I was fighting so hard not to let out a great bit guffaw right there in church.  My pastor was not being humorous at all in the reading, but what he read struck me as utterly hilarious.  God asks Adam how he knew he was naked, asks him if he ate the fruit, and Adam's response was to immediately absolve himself of any blame by pointing the finger at Eve. "She made me do it."  How so like the typical response of a child, caught by a parent in a wrongdoing!

It was as if God was telling me that He understood my desire not to be at fault for the sin that terrifies me.  And, honestly, I had this image of God chuckling as He caused those words to be penned by whomever wrote Genesis.

Yes, I actually believe God has a sense of humor and that there is humor in the Bible.
Subtle humor.
But humor nonetheless.

Does not every parent, at some time or another, secretly chuckle as he/she watches a child try to talk his/her way out of a jam?

We are His children.
I am a child of God.
He understands me!!

Oh, and moving backwards again, Mary said that the antiphon was a refrain.  So, I sat there, during the Introit, trying to figure out:  A refrain of what?  I wondered ... wildly ... Could the antiphon be the Lutheran version of a "Life Application"?

Here was tonight's "refrain:"

When he calls to me, I will answer Him; I will be with him in trouble;
I will rescue him and honor him.
With long life I will satisfy him
and show him My salvation.

Call to God when you are in trouble and He will save you.  That's the Gospel answer to the Law of being felled by temptation—temptation being the subject of the Gospel reading—isn't it?

And, it struck me, not just that perhaps the antiphon was what I should reflect upon throughout the week, but that "long life" probably does not mean a long earthly life but an eternal life.  Children who die in the Lord are still satisfied with a long life.  At least, it reads that way to me.

So, the sermon.  Well, how can I really say what I learned?  Expect that I heard more than I have in a long, long, long time since I gave myself the freedom to take notes.  The points I found sweet ... very sweet are:

• The Devil gives us another word to confuse us, to distract us away from the Word of God.
• Jesus was tempted because He was fully man and fully lived the life we face.
• Jesus was tempted so that He is the perfect obedience for us in our temptations.
• Jesus is not only our High Priest, but He is our champion!
• Jesus' answer to temptation is the very same answer as we have:  The Word of God.
• The Word of God is the Sword of the Spirit, is the weapon of defense wielded by our Comforter, our Sanctifier, on our behalf.
• Yes, we will be tempted.  Yes, we will fail in our struggles with temptation.  Even so, we are forgiven, because Jesus did not fail in His temptation on our behalf.  
• When God looks at us, He does not see our failings; He sees His Son.

The thing I circled in the Gospel reading, the bit that reverberated through me like a deafening gong, was the repeated phrase: "If you are..."

If you are...
If you...
If...

I think that, perhaps, the word if is one of the most powerful tools our foe uses, twisting the Word of God and sowing doubt within the minds of those who have no need to listen to the ifs of the devil, for he is already defeated.  The answers to all of his questions have already been given.  And yet we listen.  And we doubt.

If you are a Christian...
If you really love God...
If...

The thing that my pastor said in catechesis about there being a difference between denial and doubt and that it was okay that I struggle with doubt was that he takes great comfort in Mark 9:24.

And when they came back to the disciples, they saw a large crowd around them, and some scribes arguing with them. Immediately, when the entire crowd saw Him, they were amazed and began running up to greet Him. And He asked them, “What are you discussing with them?” 

And one of the crowd answered Him, “Teacher, I brought You my son, possessed with a spirit which makes him mute; and whenever it seizes him, it slams him to the ground and he foams at the mouth, and grinds his teeth and stiffens out. I told Your disciples to cast it out, and they could not do it.” 

And He answered them and said, “O unbelieving generation, how long shall I be with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring him to Me!” 

They brought the boy to Him. When he saw Him, immediately the spirit threw him into a convulsion, and falling to the ground, he began rolling around and foaming at the mouth. And He asked his father, “How long has this been happening to him?” 

And he said, “From childhood. “It has often thrown him both into the fire and into the water to destroy him. But if You can do anything, take pity on us and help us!” 

And Jesus said to him, “‘If You can?’ All things are possible to him who believes.”

Immediately the boy’s father cried out and said, “I do believe; help my unbelief.” 

When Jesus saw that a crowd was rapidly gathering, He rebuked the unclean spirit, saying to it, “You deaf and mute spirit, I command you, come out of him and do not enter him again.” 

After crying out and throwing him into terrible convulsions, it came out; and the boy became so much like a corpse that most of them said, “He is dead!” But Jesus took him by the hand and raised him; and he got up. 

When He came into the house, His disciples began questioning Him privately, “Why could we not drive it out?” And He said to them, “This kind cannot come out by anything but prayer.” (14-29)

Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief!