This brain of mine...

I was talking with Celia whilst she folded laundry when my alarm for church went off.  I asked her, with Ash Wednesday being this week, if it would be a soul-crushing does of Law sermon yet.  Her husband, a pastor, hearing me on speaker phone, said that it shouldn't be.  So, I dared church one more week.

The sermon was not soul-crushing, but I did not understand it.  Both pastors are really good at properly dividing Law and Gospel and giving a fair amount of Jesus.  But I am not sure what the sermon was about tonight.

So, I thought I would note some of the things that flitted through my mind, through the brain I no longer recognize.

• I don't get why the introit is oft a mash-up of psalm verses or is only a part of a psalm.  And I really don't understand the whole antiphon thing.
• I wish there were more time for silent confession before absolution.
• There is a conspiracy amongst the Monday night organists to slip in an extra note in the final amen of the Kyrie in Divine Setting One just to drive me crazy.  There. Are. Only. Six.  Notes.
• This little snip of a girl a few rows up started belting out the Gloria in Excelsis as if she were auditioning for a role on Broadway in a theatre without microphones.  She was so enthusiastic, if a bit off key, and I was jealous that, at her age, she knew the Gloria without even looking the hymnal.
• Speaking of the Gloria, even will all the rests in each of the lines, I cannot sing it.  I cannot mange to finish singing any of the words before the next one is due and I cannot breathe through it at all.
• In the Old Testament reading, I noticed at the end that it said Moses was up on the mountain 40 days and 40 nights.  I was very surprised.  Then I was saddened.  There is so much I do not remember about the Bible anymore.  Details that are important ... at least to me.  I know that Jesus was tempted for 40 days (I think) and that Israel wandered in the wilderness for 40 years.  Are there other 40s that I am missing?
• What in the world is hymn 413 talking about?
• What does it mean that Zion is now?
• How come I never seem to manage to keep on the same word as the folk around me when we are saying the Nicene Creed or the Lord's Supper?  Everyone else is really great at the whole collective voice.  Is it because of Star Trek?
• If Hosanna means "Save us now," why do we sing "save us now in the highest"?  That makes absolutely no sense.  What does "in the highest" mean anyway?
• I've never been to a church that prays the Prayer of Thanksgiving before and I wonder why the others do not.  Tonight, listening to it, I was certain that the pastor meant every word.  Was praying them for me.  And I don't even think he saw me hiding in the back.
• Ushers at the back of the church should not talk during the Words of Institution.
• Why would anyone choose Thank the Lord over the Nunc Dimitis? I miss the Nunc Dimitis deeply.
• How cool is it that the walls of the sanctuary of my church are GREEN?
• There is this ginormous carving thing many stories tall at the front instead of a cross or a crucifix (although there is a cross on the altar).  It has Jesus and two others whom I cannot remember even though I have asked now four times.  Seeing Jesus, front and center, almost looming, but not in a creepy manner, really emphasizes the whole for you thing.

On my way out, I ran into the pastor who is doing my catechesis.  I ended up giving him the hymnal I stole during my first lesson, so nervous as I was leaving that I packed up everything in front of me.  I thought the weight of the church stamp on the front of the hymnal sitting in my car all week was horrible, but it was much, much, much worse actually having to return it in person.  Whilst it helped that he said he'd stolen hymnals before, I still felt bad.

But it did give me a chance to ask about Lent.
And soul-crushing doses of Law.
We are going to be talking about Lent later, since he said we could add it to the list.

I've avoided Lent for a while, because soul-crushing doses of Law make any Gospel, which may or may not accompany said dose, impossible to hear.  My pastor said he had been thinking about my email about Lent and thought the readings for Ash Wednesday might be difficult for me.  However, he said the first sermon, which he actually hasn't written yet, was about Jesus, so he suggested that I come next Monday, just to see. And that he would think about the other readings before we got to those weeks.

I'm thinking a single week of Lent, with me in church, passing without feeling as if all is lost and I'm not worth the next breath would be good.

What I liked is that he understood that I don't want to do anything that might upset this small bit of hope that I have been nursing ... standing in awe, really, when I think about the idea of having hope.  Two things I know about Lent:  1) my evangelical friend gives up chocolate to honor God during Lent and 2) Lent is full of soul-crushing doses of Law sermons.  Truth be told, I am terrified of Lent.

Someday, I'd like not to be.


I am Yours, Lord.  Save me!