Finding ways...

I am ever in search of ways to compensate for both my cheese-hole brain and for the failings of my Dysautonomia-wreaked body.  To that end, I have made some changes in my life of late.

First, I finally learned that you can set alarms on the FitBit Flex.  So, I have set an alarm every two hours from noon to midnight.  The hope is I am actually out of bed at noon.  In any case, the alarm is to remind me that no matter how wretched I am feeling, I should get up and walk around.  To concentrate on the positive, I have sometimes gotten up, picked up Amos, and slow danced with him around the first floor.  I am ever thankful for my fluff-ball and try to let him know that from time to time.

Second (not that there is any order here), I have started starting my day by not dragging myself out of bed immediately, but rather by thanking Amos for letting me sleep.  He is rather accommodating on that score.  I give thanks and he crawls atop me to give me kisses and wag his tail and I laugh at him. This makes for a better start to the day, no matter how much agony I was in during the "night" hours.

Third, for a while now, I have been sending myself a separate email with each task that I need to remember to do.  For example, yesterday I had emails for pruning, registering the NutriBullet, scheduling an appointment for an oil change (neglected since May), updating my account on the new Fort Wayne City Utilities website, and giving Amos his heart worm pill (I forgot to give it on the 1st and then kept forgetting).  Today, it was to update the medications on my emergency medical information app. I leave my task emails marked as unread until I accomplish the task and then I delete them.  I find this is helpful since I see the reminder emails every time I check to see if any friends have remembered that I am most lonely and sent me an email.  I check quite often....

Forth, I have been keeping this paper booklet calendar, marking my symptoms and medications changes.  I thought a visual record that could be scanned (the symptoms are all color coded) might be helpful for doctors.  More importantly, it helps me answer questions doctors pose to me since I cannot retrace my days most of the time, much less the weeks.

Fifth, I created an Action Items binder out of a presentation binder.  The binder has a plastic cover and 12 top-loading sheet protector as its pages.  [The binders also come in 24-pages, as I learned when Googling a link.]  I had two of them back from my work days (I used them for navigating the day on events (ground breaking, grand openings, fundraisers).  In each sleeve are things that need to be addressed sooner rather than later.  Rather than stress myself with the need to get everything done when I think of it, lest I forget it, I created the two-pronged approach of the task emails and the Action Items binder.  I keep the binder, along with the calendar and my Thought Book on the coffee table.  They are neat and visually restful, but out-and-about to catch my eye and remind me I need to use all three tools.

Sixth, the other presentation binder I used to make a Thought Book.  I realized that I have not worked on managing my anxiety the way that I have worked on managing the effects of sexual abuse.  I mean, I read/re-read/study The Courage to Heal, regularly.  But I have slacked off addressing anxiety since the PTSD is ever so much better.  The reason I want to be quit of the Xanax is that it does not help the neurological anxiety that Dysautonomia brings into your life.  However, hard work on thoughts can help you at least endure the anxiety, if not mitigate its effects on your life.  In my thought book are three articles I have found most helpful, a list of ways to navigate my own emotional storms, and a list of "rights" that I received when I first started counseling.  I wanted a representation for the work on anxiety stemming from a history of sexual abuse, but couldn't think of a way to summarize all the wonderful content of The Courage to Heal.

For the Thought Book, I created a cover with Amos, because he's my most special calm-down tool!  And I put a divider of a photo of moss between each item as a reminder to me to stop and breathe, to take time to be still.  For the three articles, I cut and pasted the text into Pages, so I could eliminate the distraction of the ads and images that are on the online source of each article.  I also standardized the font and formatting, so the pages of all three articles look like they belong in a book.   One of the articles has a graphic of different emotions, so I printed the image as large as it would fit on a page, and then colored the wheel so that I could read each category (and ensuing sub-categories) better.

Being a Nervous Nelly, I systematically sent a PDF of my Thought Book to three people to show them what I am trying to do and hesitantly ask them to help me with working on my anxiety by pointing out things from the book if they encounter them in our interactions.  I was most relieved when each of them, in turn, liked the idea and encouraged me in my pursuit.  This was especially true when the friend who is a licensed counselor with her own practice really liked it.

I think that I am a bit driven to find ways to deal with the things in my life because, despite all my doings, I am strugglingly more and more physically.  And, being alone, I need to know that I can still manage myself.  So, when my previous helps begin to fail, I set out to find new ways to take their place.

Just the image to set a hopeful tone for a Thought Book, eh?

My helps have shifted as my strength and capabilities have lessened.

Breathe...

I liked this article not only because I absolutely stink at identify emotions, having disassociated most of my life, but also because it gives me specific help and hope that I can get better at doing so.

This is the emotions wheel that is in the article and that I colored to make reading it easier.  And example of identifying emotions:  When my neighbor hacked on my smoke bush/tree without out first giving me an opportunity to prune it in order to keep to the shape I had been working on ever since I planted it, I was (and am still, albeit to a lesser degree) very upset.  In looking at this week, I realized what I was feeling was "provoked."  I was not just angry at what she did, but I feel as if many of her actions are done to provoke me, such as telling her visitors to park in front of my house and leaving her trash and recycle bins on my property (smashing my grass) instead of hers.  I cannot think how it is that I inspired her choices, but it is difficult for me to keep turning the other cheek, especially when I see her children throw their food wrappers over the fence into my yard while she watches.  SIGH.

Identifying what I was feeling helped me to get to a place where that feeling has abated and no longer foments me to thinking about ways I could make her life more difficult.  For example, I really, really, really wanted to borrow Firewood Man's saw to cut down the post for her side gate that is on my property.  The post and six inches of wood.  She does not have a fence, but has gates that tie into my fence and the fence on the other side of her house.  I wanted to cut down her post and make some sort of retort about doing so since she is so particular about property lines.  That kind of thinking is provoking in nature and would end up hurting me as well.  I am no longer longing for a saw, but I still am bothered by the smoke bush, especially since I ended up pruning the entire thing back heavily so as to restore its balance.

And breathe again...

I liked this article because it sets the premise that dealing with anxiety is not about the big changes, but rather about the small ones.  And, again, it gives me practical help and hope.

And breathe again...

The title of this article bothers me, and I contemplated changing it for my thought book.  However, the writer in me wouldn't let me do that.  What I like best about this article is the specific help in changing thought patterns.  I dislike the title's emphasis on "negative" because of the valuable lessons I have learned from The Courage to Heal.  The authors Ellen and Bass emphasize that any coping mechanism that helped you to survive is a good one in that you survived.  Part of healing, of getting healthy, is to learn to recognize the coping mechanisms that no longer serve you and find new ones.  I would prefer a title that is more like:  Learning to Change Unhelpful Thought Patterns.  The body of the article, however, is rather helpful ... direct, specific, full of the possibility of change.

And breathe...

One of the biggest battles of recovery from any abuse is that you believe the lies that you have been told, often because that is one of your coping mechanisms.  For children, the lies they hear are oft from adults and believing an adult could be wrong is difficult for children.  I like the list, too, because our society has become rather cruel.  Take No. 1, I see very little respect in the online world and in the larger social discourse.  More than anything, I see bullying and verbal abuse.  Yes.  It is abusive to tear down, chew up, and spit out folk on social media.

So, there you go.  Here on my rememberer is my reminder of the work I want to do and the new ways I am trying to get through my days.