No wonder...

I suppose the smaller increment in the step-down dosage delayed the onset of withdrawal symptoms, for just when I was literally celebrating the ease of going from .25 mg to .125 mg, a migraine started.  I tried to ignore it.  It lasted from Monday evening until early this morning.  Maxed out on meds, I was rather desperate.

The terrible shooting pains in my muscles, aching joints, nausea, tremors, a light show behind my eyelids, and that wretched dull, constant headache is the aftermath of the migraine.  That and a new symptom: dysphagia.  [Is it not fitting another "dys" thing in my life?]  I couldn't swallow anything more than saliva most of yesterday.  This morning, I forced myself to eat breakfast and with each swallow, the pain and struggle to do so got better.  Now, I have this mild pain each time I swallow.  I am ever so thankful that bit of misery was relatively short lived.

Right now, I am feeling rather fragile.  So much of me hurts in myriad ways and I am overly exhausted.  Four times in the past two days, my left knee has given out trying to walk up the stairs, which meant I did a face plant on the stairs before sliding down them.  I have a growing collection of bruises.

Early Tuesday morning, I was all for taking the entire bottle of remaining Xanax just to end my misery.  Even knowing doing so would make matters worse.  I still have all the leftover .5 mg pills; they are a temptation, but I am hesitant to just get rid of them.  I know that the surgeon would give me more of the .25 pills, should I need to extend my withdrawal schedule, but I also find a bit of safety in having "extra" pills on hand that require no calling for a refill or fetching.

I cannot fathom how those who are on higher doses of Xanax go through this process.
I am barely surviving it.
I questioned the value of being off Xanax every single moment of the past two days.
I question it still.
I am weak and weary.
Alone.
Afraid.

No wonder people leave rehab early.