Holding my breath...

Today, for the first time in longer than I can remember, the pain in my head is only mildly distressing.  On a scale from 1-10, I have gone from a 10 to about a 3.  I can live with a 3.  But I admit that I am still holding my breath, hoping I have broken the cycle of migraines and headaches that has been unending for quite a while.  Maxed out on migraine meds, it has been difficult making do with tylenol and ibuprofen and ice packs and a heat wrap for my neck and shoulders.  I've spent copious amounts of time talking to myself and sitting in the dark and silence.  I've have colored and listened to music and read and cooked and sat in the fresh (albeit it also sweltering) air on the airing porch.

I have also been watching copious amounts of "Blue Bloods" episodes.  In all the time since I began to stream shows and movies, I believe this is the first show that I would admit has been more of binge watching that regular online viewing.  I do not like that term "binge watching"; I do not like it at all.  I mean, somehow it is bad to watch shows for hours, but it is okay to read for hours??  To me, the majority of shows I watch are, to me, like reading.

Anyway, a while back, I discovered a most delightful BBC show entitled "Starlings."  It is the perfect Myrtle show, being full of brokenness.  That show was a lot about family and choices that you make for family.  It was poignant and humorous and such a treat to watch.

"Blue Bloods" has actually been rather soothing for me to watch.  Strange, for a cop show.  But it is not exactly a cop show.  It is more of a family show that is set in the world of law enforcement and the justice system.  As I mentioned before, it is interesting to me, in part, because of the family dynamics, the purposeful work on maintaining healthy relationships despite personal differences and oft passionate responses to situations.  You really do get to see how to disagree and make up, how to honor and respect others even when you are frustrated with them.  And you see proper relationships between children and adults (translate that to no snarky comments, backtalk, or belittling of authority).

The most important aspect to the show is that I have not had to look up re-caps of the shows to ease my distress.  I do that, often, with what I watch. I start feeling anxious.  There is a lot that I have started watching, but did not finish.  I like that the line between the good guys and the bad guys is clear.  I like that there is closure to the stories and development in the main characters.  I like the folk admit that they are wrong and appreciate learning new things. I like that although there is violence, given that it is a police drama, but that the violence is not the focus, nor are the show creator's out to shock and awe in that department.  Best of all, I like that the bad guys are not the ubiquitous  Machiavellian geniuses that are the main stay of bad guy characters these days.  And I like that faith is a significant part of the show.

In some ways, you could call "Blue Bloods" pedestrian, too much mired in the quotidian existence.  But it is not predictable.  And it is thoughtful.  Those are good things in my book.  In a way, you should say that I do not have to hold my breath whilst watching the show.

I have been trying to glean all the rules about the family dinner on Sundays.  These are the ones I have noted thus far:

• Thanks is given before grace.
• (Usually) family members take turns saying grace.
• Everyone sits down together and gets up together (no coming and going)
• All topics are permissible.
• All viewpoints are welcome.
• Respect is key when disagreeing on a viewpoint.
• No cellphones are allowed at the table.

I admit that I am a bit jealous of the idea of family meals.  For that matter, I am jealous of a family who works so hard at keeping up their relationships with each other and at ... well ... forgiveness.  The latter is primarily lived out rather than said.  And, to me, I actually think that is a good thing.  You get to see folk actively set aside their upsettedness and move on with the relationship.  My limited experience with forgiveness has been a combination of a lack there of or words being spoken but actions not following.

A while ago, was reading quite a bit about positive psychology and tooling around this place and that online when I encountered this idea of having everyone at the table sit in silence for two minutes before the meal began.  The purpose of those two minutes is not necessarily for silent prayer or thankfulness or anything along those lines, but rather for taking the time to be present in the moment. To concentrate on the feel of the chair and table, the smells of the meal, the sounds of bodies of those around you.  To be there instead of elsewhere.  All too often these days, folk are elsewhere.  Being present has pretty much gone the way of common sense ... and morals.

Part of healing from sexual abuse is learning to be present, to remain present, when emotions begin to overwhelm you.  I think that is why I have started my days by spending a few moments thanking Amos for letting me sleep and keeping me company as I toss and turn and fetch fresh ice packs before getting out of bed.  When I am outside with Amos, I try (but still oft fail) to focus on the blessing of the bits of creation around me, such as the blossoms and hummingbirds and GREEN grass instead of solely on waiting for Amos to conquer his fear and tend to business.  I sit in my GREEN chair, rocking gently, and try to take in the solace of the back porch and the back yard.

With the migraines and bounce back headaches and migraines, I have tried to focus on anything else but the pain.  It works, a bit, to help endure it.  For example, when the pain in my head is so overwhelming, I try to push past it to feel the cold of the ice packs.  Ever since I was little, I have marveled at how, if out on a cold day, you can dispel the cold a bit by focusing on the warmth of the sunshine.  That is sort of the same.

Movement makes the pain in my head worse, so instead of despairing over the greater pain, once still again, I focus on my heart rate slowing and relaxing against the pain, telling myself that each moment is one more closer to getting back to the lesser pain, that the flare would be ending.  Having the cold of the ice pack to bring to the fore in my thoughts and physical sensation helps.

When I awake with violent nausea and gobble down Zofran, I have started trying to concentrate on Amos' presence beside me whilst waiting for the medication to start working instead of the nausea and my fear.  I will groan in such a way that Amos will move closer, pressing against my back, as I am curled up in a ball.  Sometimes I will reach out and twine my fingers in his curls.  Focusing on the blessing of my fluff-ball helps push away the overwhelming nausea, to endure it.

It is hard to do that.
It is oft seemingly impossible to do.
To get through a single moment of the pain or illness.

I think I have written this before, but the absence of pain (or drastic decreasing of pain) is a shock in and of itself.  And, after migraines, I feel most particularly fragile.  I am almost scared to breathe.  To move.  To exist.

Should I mention that judicious amounts of Peanut Butter Oatmeal Bars surely has contributed to the reduction in pain?  I seriously think that they top Double Chocolate Dr Pepper Cake as my favorite of all the sweets recipes.  That icing!

The icing helped me to come up with the perfect nickname for Amos.  I had many nicknames for my last dog, Kashi.  Mostly, I called him floral names, such as my little Buttercup or my Petunia.  But after savoring the peanut butter icing once more, thinking about that ambrosia cloud floating atop the bars, I realized that Amos is my little Fluffernutter!  He is as sweet and soft and fluffy as the icing.  He is as wicked as a peanut butter and fluff sandwich on white bread.  And he is most definitely as much as a nutter as am I.

Here's hoping to migraine free week for me and my little Fluffernutter.