Cockles warmed...

I had my first fire tonight!  It warmed my living room up six degrees!  I spent the evening at a heavenly 61 degrees.

I also had the bestest moment at therapy today.  No, I did not have a break through, but Amos did!  When it was time to leave, he put his paw up on my therapist's legs in his "pick me up" stance.  She did not understand what he wanted and didn't even touch him.  She's been very careful not to scare Amos.  I think I should tell her to sit on the sofa with me next time to see if he would come visit her.

Love me; love my dog.

I also want my beloved Fluffernutter to love those who are important to me.  He's been visiting her for 15 months now.  It is sort of a formal environment, so I wouldn't be surprised if he's confused about her.  But it sure did warm the cockles of my heart to see him show trust of her.

Not that it has anything to do with trust, but I decided to let him be an especially fluffy Fluffernutter for a while.  So, I have not sheered my sheep in a while.  He is just starting to poof out a bit.  Soon, I shall give him a bath so his curls all curl back up.  After a while, they sort of straighten out into more of a Shaggy D.A. look.  Not that I mind it.  But I do love me some Fluffernutter curls!

Aside from the cockles warming, the rest of my day, save for a lovely little conversation with my dear friend Becky, was working over my number crunching spreadsheets and my checking and savings register.  Both are projected out to the end of 2019.  When I get a new bill or discover yet another expense that I did not expect, I turn to them to see how I might figure out a way to address the financial problem.

It seems that not a day goes by without being punched in my financial gut.

September and October were both $242 over my budgeted medical expenses ($250).  One was $242.05 and the other was $242.51.  The near identical amount sort of cracked me up in a maniacal I'm-losing-my-mind sort of way because the two months did not have identical expenses.  The math just added up that way.

IF November and December turn out the way that I am projecting, I will be under my budgets medical expenses for both months.  However, I will be nowhere near making up the $484.56 shortfall.  Plus, I was short in August, too.

My blasted body.

I just do not know how to make up the shortfall.  My disability payment has been slivered so much that the metaphorical knife cannot divide it any further.  So, I look at every darn number in my expenses and every number in the register to see if there is anywhere where I could save.  Even a single dollar is important to me.  Heck, the truth is that I count pennies most every day.  I price everything to ensure that I am getting the cheapest price possible on the purchase I have chosen to make.

I spent hours and hours every single day pouring over my numbers, looking for some sort of inspiration.  It amazes me, in truth, that my life has come to this.  Hours of dealing with bodily misery and, when able to turn away from that, hours of dealing with financial misery.

This month, I did get some really good deals that will save me money going forward.  However, it means that I am nearly out of money for the month.  This is a problem because I did not realize that I would need gas again.  I had a few more appointments than I thought I would and did not take into account that gas mileage.  Plus, it was a far trek to do the physical for volunteering.

I have to trek out to the hospital this week and next, which means gas.  My light is on and I hit the empty line when I went to therapy today.  I need gas.

I will charge it and then put the overage this month into next month ... subtracting it from available spending.  But next month is a tight month, because it is a Subscribe-and-Save month.  I save money using that service, but it means spending more money at a time every other month.   So, starting with a deficit will be especially difficult for me.

I have to though, because I cannot just spend more than I have and just let the bills pile up.  I am not made that way.  Pay as you go when needful and never charge more than can be paid off at the end of the month.

Sjögren's has surprised me at just how much it is already ravaging my body.  But it flabbergasts me just how much it has already ravaged my finances.  The dental expenses alone are rather horrifying.

The thing is ... if the fluoride treatments do not work, I will need to look at having my teeth pulled and getting dentures.  I cannot seem to get the dentist to understand that need.  But I simply cannot keep getting fillings if I will need fillings on top of fillings and then crowns and then root canals and then end up needing extractions anyways.  I cannot spend thousands of dollars trying to save teeth that are doomed.  Heck, I cannot spend thousands of dollars saving teeth period.

Right now, if all goes perfectly (and you KNOW that will not happen), in November of 2019,  I will dig myself out of my teeth expenses to date and will have finished paying off the television and the phone.  So, I am not looking to have any additional teeth expenses, especially since it is a pretty penny to have the fluoride paste for the trays, fluoride treatments in the office, and two exams, sets of x-rays, and cleanings in a year.  Oh, plus lots of tooth brush heads and toothpaste and fluoride rinse with the brushing four times a day and rinsing twice a day.  Add the rather pricy cost of the saliva medication that I am taking for my teeth (and mouth) and I really have no room in my meager pocketbook left for any fillings and the like.

I wish we could flit ahead to the end of February 2019, when I will get my next x-rays and learn if I have at least slowed down the decay in my teeth, if not arrested it, with the nightly fluoride treatments.  I just want to know where I stand.  Or rather where I will stand.

Anyway, it is hard to engage with anyone anymore because of where my life has landed.  Misery abounds.  And, being just me, I have to spend nearly all of my time and energy and cognition on dealing with and trying to reduce that misery ... if at all possible.

So, it really was sweet to see Amos turn to my therapist and ask for a pick-up.  Silly puppy dog.  He doesn't understand why most folk don't walk around with dogs on their shoulders.  My therapist is all about safe places, though.  I bet she would let him park himself up there if ever Amos got the courage to do so.

He was happy to turn to me and ask for a pick-up so that he could scramble to his place of safety.  I was happy to oblige.  In truth, I feel, too, feel comforted when Amos is up on his perch.