Three posts...

Three posts from Facebook about my day...

REJOICE WITH ME! The pastor from the church I have been attending visited me today and brought me the Lord's Supper since this past Wednesday was not a divine service and a tiny part of me has now started to worry the radiologist might be right about my croaking in the MRI machine. The Lord's Supper for me!!

Also, the cardiologist nurse practitioner who will be there during the scan is a member of the church. So, when he asked the church to pray for me this morning, she thought to come up to him afterwards and tell him that she will be there with me.

Oh! How the Lord works!!

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I think ... I think that I would like to be able to write "my" pastor instead of "the" pastor. For an ex-evangelical who has long had ... thoughts ... about church membership, I feel this odd longing to be a part of this church.

I learned today that the pastor and his wife both have struggled with chronic illness and the pastor came close to dying some years ago from sepsis, with a long, long journey coming back. So, my struggles and doubts and fears are understandable to him, save for the lack of confidence in salvation.

And my terrified little Fluffernutter climbed right up with the pastor right away and leaned into him for pets and rubs and much affection! Amos has NEVER sought that kind of touch affection from anyone.

Loveliness about the church:

• The pastor preaches much Jesus and sweet gospel.
• My compromised brain can follow his sermons.
• The atmosphere is like a church from the 1980s Bible Belt.
• The folk have been good about greeting this wallflower.
• The elders, told about my PTSD, have looked out for me.
• There is a nighttime service that is liturgical.
• The church is really big on prayer.
• The church is committed to community outreach, including a café, exercise classes, a preschool, a elementary/junior high school (jointly run with a few other churches), a food pantry, and a summertime combo of a farmer's market and food trucks in the parking lot once a week.
• I can park right next to the ramp that leads to the narthex door and be in a pew with little walking.
• There is a water feature at that door.
• The church is only 1.4 miles from my house.

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Tonight, I tore, vomited, and fainted trying to go to the bathroom. It is oft hard to want to live this life. When I told the pastor of that particular struggle he said that that was understandable living with chronic illness and the struggles I mentioned in brief. It was the first time in a decade that I felt like there might be a place for me in a body of Christ. Tonight, I worked on remembering the pastor's acceptance and compassion as I lay on the floor instead of thinking how much I want to die at times.

He also sang my favorite hymn to me, "Lord Jesus, Think on Me." I cannot remember lyrics, but I tried to remember how comforting it was to hear that prayer sung. Were it possible, I'd have those all five verses tattooed on my forearm.

I swear Synesius of Cyrene wrote this for me, even if he didn't know my birth was to come some 1600 years or so later. The Holy Spirit did, right?

Lord Jesus, think on me
And purge away my sin;
From worldly passion set me free
And make me pure within.

Lord Jesus, think on me
By anxious thoughts oppressed;
Let me Your loving servant be
And taste Your promised rest.

Lord Jesus, think on me
Amid the battle's strife;
In all my pain and misery,
O be my health and life!

Lord Jesus, think on me
Nor let me go astray;
Through darkness and perplexity
Point out your chosen way.

Lord Jesus, think on me
That, when this life is past,
I may the eternal brightness see
And share Your joy at last.