Words matter...

I've been trying to write this post for nearly three weeks now.  I just cannot seem to gather the fragmented pieces of my mind enough to concentrate on what I want to say.

October was Dysautonomia awareness month.  I basically failed at engaging in any awareness other than bewailing all the medical drama that I must endure, including all of that MRI agony.  But I did spot this graphic that I thought would help clarify when I talk about the cognitive dysfunction with which I struggle.

For me, the most illuminating on the list was word recall problems.  This is because "what's the word" has become a rather frequent part of my conversation.  When I think about it, it cracks me up.  I am essentially asking the other person to read my mind and tell me what the missing word is.  How insane is that?  But when I am searching for the word that is missing in my mind that is all I can think to ask.

Sometimes, I can think of associative words to try and help the listener figure out what word is missing.  But, more and more, there is just this hole.  I cannot grasp the word I want or the ones that might help define that word.  Me, the one who loves words more than words can say!  It sorrows me this loss.

What I want to write about is the word fallacious.  I came across it a while ago.  I failed to connect it to its root word and so had to look up the definition:  based on a mistaken belief.  When I read that definition, I thought of myself immediately.  It is the why I did so that is so very difficult for me to convey.

In short, I was thinking about how I believe things about myself that a part of me knows is a lie.  A part of me understands that my world view, my core understanding of self, is based upon mistaken beliefs.  However, there is also a part of me that knows those beliefs are true, even when the rest of the world is telling me that they are not.  For I know my life, my experience, my existence.

Anyway, words matter.  I will always believe that even when I can no longer tell you why.