My mother is in the hospital with one of the worst cases of C. diff bacterial infection that the infectious disease specialist has ever seen. [You can read more about the bacteria here.] Her intestines are so infected that her entire abdomen is swollen. She has been dehydrated for many days and has been unable to keep down food. While she has started to consume solid foods again, her intestines are still not processing it and the addition of food in her abdomen makes her short of breath. One of her lungs collapsed today. Since the bacteria is anti-biotic resistant, her doctors are worried she will now get pneumonia, which they would be forced to treat with antibiotics, which would compromise the chances of the targeted antibiotic for the C. diff being effective.

My father and I spent yesterday and today engaged in another movie-thon. My step-mother was out of town all week, so I called my father twice a day to check on him. He did not remember our conversations from morning to evening, from day to day. I knew he was getting bag--I've argued with my step-mother about getting him to a doctor for the past two years--but I usually call every week or two. With such a gap in time, I was not surprised at having to orient him a bit. I was stunned that I had to do so in such a short period of time. I am losing my father, who is only 68. I don't know about my mother...

I battled all week about my benefits at work because the organization has some restructuring gaps that have yet to be resolved. However, I was mere minutes away from having a gap in my coverage, a devastating state that would result in a pre-existing conditions clause to kick into my eventual coverage.

My office is still stinking hot, and the HVAC system will be completely off-line next Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.

I have been hurting day after day after day, at times wishing I could cut off my legs, other times my arms. The two painkillers left over from the surgery last year just didn't help, so I tossed the bottles back into the basket of old medicine and hoped for something else to come along soon. After watching Eli Stone (a most provocative television show this year), I could almost make myself see an acupuncturist. Almost.

I have been feeling weary and embattled and alone all week, not even knowing that my mother was so ill until very late Thursday night. A bad week, to say the least.

My Cousin D called Thursday night after I forwarded the email I received stating Mother's condition. For a while, My Second Cousin D was on speaker phone until they figured out that I was crying. The my Cousin D took over in a rather valiant, male way. I even laughed. But as good as the moment was, it passed and I was struggling once more.

Friday I tried to reach someone to talk with, but my need just didn't seem to fit in with other's timing. I even ended up working until 9:00 because my boss wanted me on a "quick" errand and I wanted to be helpful. I learned nothing more about my mother. Falling asleep was another battle because all I kept thinking about the lessons in patience I have all around me and how weak I am in my faith at times. God does not give us more than we can handle, and yet I could wish for just one day of ease, one day where I did not have to fight...fight against the heat, fight against work procedures for benefits, fight against forming letters, fight against blurred vision, fight against pain, fight against stiffness, fight against fight against fatigue, fight against seemingly everything. I want to feel well. I want to see well. I want to remember. Just one day.

Even though I have struggled mightily this week, I have heard from my Second Cousin D and my friend D and T that I am not alone. In those words.

D floored me Saturday with a voice mail message that was so bold and so loving that even in my weariness I heard her. I shall cherish her words until the day I die. What a precious gift she gave me.

In an instance of incredible timing, some days ago T had sent me a most beautiful card with such a wonderful message and a DVD of a movie that she liked immensely: Dan in the Real Life. Dad and I watched it on Saturday, and we were both moved. The movie definitely is a good one. I am not sure T could have chosen a better gift nor a more perfect time to send it. Both were most certainly a blessing from God.

I had dinner with my step-mother, grandfather when I drove my father back to his house today. I noticed that she was not quite patient with him and he responded in quick anger. Neither were happy with the other in those moments. It made me think about those lessons in patience.

Dad has to orient himself again and again. I am trying to be patient with his needs, repeating information as often as needed, letting him take the lead. For example, today we went back to Wal-Mart to the $5.00 DVD bin (the movies are now $0.50 cheaper) because yesterday we had only purchased one copy of The Jackal. We both liked the movie, and he wanted me to have a copy. Now, I will never turn down a gift, but having the DVD was not as important to me as it was to him. Nothing would do until we managed to get our hands on one. I liked the movie and might have gone back eventually myself, but Dad would not rest, could not rest, until he had closure in that matter.

My step-mother seems to want to try and keep him on her path, rather than the one he is walking. I hate what is happening to him. I fear that even now, though she is leaning toward getting him to a doctor, that it is too late for any effective intervention. I hate what is happening to him. But I want him to feel safe, even if that means more work or more sacrifice on my part. I want that because I want it for myself when I lose my own cognitive battle.

I am glad this week is done. I know more about myself and more about what help I do and do not have. I know more about my faith. I know more about patience. I know more about where I need to understand more.

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NOTE: Since we were out, Dad ran two other errands with me: to the pet store for Fancy's food and Kashi's bones and to the thrift store to donate a few more items I truly do not need. At Wal-Mart, he allowed me to pick up a few other items I needed. Among those items, I purchased plant food and bug killer spray and managed to put both out in small enough time increments that I did so without breaking down in tears. A step forward. I also--after five times in being a store where I could purchase it and failed to remember it was a particular need of mine--finally remembered to purchase Puffs tissues.