I believe that it is fairly well documented that when I am frustrated or upset I organize. However, I also do so as a reward of sorts. After two weeks of writing, editing, and/or submitting 6 grant applications, I decided to take care of one of those niggling items that never seem to get done because I am so tired from working.

I have these binders of house renovation and warranty information. Were I to sell, I can hand over, in one binder, documentation of everything that was done to clean up and repair this fixer-upper after I took ownership. I also had 3 binders of warranty information: computing, electronics, and household. A nice system, eh? Well, shoved next to these binders were a few dozen top-loading sheet protectors of warranty documents that had yet to be put into the binders.

So, I carried them all downstairs and began a review process of what was included. Many of the warranties had expired, resulting in quite a pile of papers for recycling. Others were located in the wrong binder or were scattered from like entries. For example, after a great amount of shuffling, all my warranty information is sorted by type, e.g., plumbing, lighting, cameras, yard, etc. When the review was completed, I also took the opportunity to upgrade 3 of the 4 binders, 2" to 3" and 1" to 2". The whole process was most satisfactory in that I had wanted to do this for months on end and the job was essentially to create order from chaos.

However, the only way to navigate my way through dozens and dozens of documents was to spread them out on the floor and have at them. I would say that the job took about 45 minutes to complete, surely less than an hour because the episode of House I had started watching once everything was spread out had not yet finished. For a while now, I have known that I cannot sit upon the floor/ground without consequence. Tonight, I underestimated the toll that organization reward would take.

My lower back had started hurting after about 15 minutes, but I was determined to ignore it and push through. In some ways, that choice stemmed from the fact that I simply do not believe that my doctor--or friends for that matter--truly understand how much I hurt. I mean, they see me grunt and groan and move slowly, but I do have a rather high tolerance for pain. I want to scream and shout much of the time, however doing so would not make a difference. I feel like I complain all too often, but I know that I mask most of the time--shoving how I am feeling as far away as possible.

Anyway...back to my tale. I went to try and get up from the floor and promptly vomited when the wave of agony wracked my body as I shifted from my position. Shortly thereafter, my pain management breathing technique failed and I fainted, landing unfortunately in my own mess.

I awoke to Fancy screaming and Kashi whimpering as he tried to bury my vomit (he does not get that we were not outside). Of course, being sprawled on the floor did not help my arthritis much.

A few days ago, I wrote in frustration to Pastor D that I hated being an old lady at 41. Then, I shared with B how much the sight of my beautiful new cane (it is chocolate brown with flowers on it, and it has a curving derby handle) mitigated that thought. The pendulum certainly swung back earlier this evening.

Right now, at this very moment, I am struggling to find purpose in this suffering (and wonder for the 1,000th time just how it was that some person at the insurance company came to the conclusion that I do not need my arthritis pain pills) and in the future of a life marked by pain.

In response to my comment, Pastor D wrote:

"...And know that St. Paul wrestled with his own thorns too, and found out that our Saviour's grace is not only sufficient, but greater than whatever afflicts us in this life."

I guess I simply do not equate myself with Paul. He was, is, a brother in Christ and we are all equal in God's eye, but...oh...the life he led. A life he led despite his thorns. Given how I am feeling, I believe that to be magnificent in obedience.

His comment certainly gave me pause. Perhaps I can explain more later...